Saturday, June 2, 2012

June Already!

Its crazy how time has flown. Given in Maine where I live the weather has been nothing short of inconsistant. We stopped getting snow in February. Had 80 degree weather in March. I had to turn the heat on today because its been down pouring and damp. On top of that I've got some major tanage and have gone blonde. Exciting stuff!

I'm now down to 1 visit/month with the T (therapist). This was not exactly my choice, although I'm totally on board and agree- I have come so far and dare I say- I feel by definition I do not have an eating disorder anymore. BUT by caution, I can't not be aware of my emotions with food, my body, etc, if I do not watch for triggers and properly address them in a healthy way I will slip. I will hide feelings. I will keep secrets. I will self harm with abuse of starvation. I need vocality. I've thrived with it.

Before being in this place in my life I couldn't imagine the things I have, the AMAZING fiance I have, the job I have, my feelings towards life, without my 'eating disorder'. My eating disorder seemed like the key to success, and any other idea was just insane. I've slowly let go of that, ready for it? DECEPTION. Crazy right?!?

It fucking feels amazing.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Long Week

Very glad I have tomorrow off. Although I only work one Saturday a month, I worked today with someone who made the day, well lets say, a drag. She talks a lot to herself, and she is very different looking visually. I don't want to be a nasty person in saying things about people, but she is for sure a different kind of social person. The type that on top of just being weird, talks an awful lot about themselves and not interested in you, which when you meet someone usually they are into asking you about yourself, and a conversation just carries naturally.

I love who I work with regularly, she's funny and just makes light of lots of things, but at times can also be very emotional. But that's life.

Glad I have tomorrow of with my hun

Today I also visited my brother, his fiance and my nephew Hayden. Just hanging out :)

Monday, March 19, 2012

Today is Monday, Need I say More?

What a mtuhoerfckuin (play a game of unscramble) crap day. Really? Really? Anyone Most everyone who works in customer service/sales directly with the public, I think you'll agree that much of the public think that they have a tattoo on their head stating "Entitled". They want to obtain things for free, or get things cheap just because they are 'such and such' (On disability, social security, what ever how minor like 'I'm old' What? Well I'm 25 so give me something I won't be able to afford for nothing.) What's missing here? Gratitude.  Once you begin to practice gratitude troubles don't seem so terrifying. So like now, while I feel irritable about the number of people that came into our office whining about their own circumstances, I realize I'm not practicing thinking about the good things, and I find it a better way to pull yourself into the present.

Still, stressful moments for me trigger me to start controlling things, and lately its been trying to control everything that hasn't happened yet. Yeah. Like the price of buying a house, raising a kid/daycare, our retirement...I just start to worry about future things that haven't happened yet. This must conclude my present is good, right? :P I can say this is where I want to be, and therefor I'm happy!

I think our cats would say the same!

Sunday, March 18, 2012


I've got so much in my head lately its hard to organize it and deliver, ya know? First off I miss my blog/writing, a lot. I'm now taking the time to go through my follow list, cleaning it out, as there are some people that no longer write, or their blog is gonezo.

I also am happy to write again because of my new (old) macbook I bought from my brother. I'm team apple in every department except my phone, that I am team blackberry. Go ahead and laugh it up ;)

So to recap on my disappearance from here, as previous post shows I've gotten engaged :) Matthew bought me a hearts on fire ring, which is exactly the type of diamond ring I wanted. He made my day, he had 9 people (friends & our family) deliver me one rose throughout the day, and then when I left work he had the 10th rose for me out in the parking lot, and then you know the rest.

My step mom Gail also invited me to go to Florida with her at the end of April! We are going with her daughter, her husband, nanny and two kids. We already know Universal is a definite go. However I've never been to Florida (and this will be only my second time on a plane), so I don't care where we go, as long as I get some beach time!

My Dad also purchased a camper that sleeps six, and is going to put it on a seasonal campsite in the town we used to live in, maybe 3 miles from the house I grew up in. It is about 40 mins from where Matt and I live now, so it makes it an easy short trip to stay a night or two. Full bath, kitchen including stove, fridge, microwave, etc. The family that had used the site also built a deck that happens to fit our camper so that makes it even better. Its right next to the lake, so he'll put the boat down there too. If everyone in the family takes advantage in using it, we'll use it next year too.

To wrap this post up, I wanted to talk about my health. Comparably I'm better than I've ever been. I'm up 20lbs from my lowest weight, but somehow I'm much less critical about my body image than I was. I believe being in a relationship with someone who sees you at your worst is a major factor. However I do not feel fit, in shape, etc. I would like to slim down, in a healthy way. My diet isn't horrible in the least bit, I am mainly consuming a paleo diet/unprocessed foods, lots of meat, veggies, some fruit, and nuts. I am failing in the department of h20. I mean like F- kind of fail. I'll drink my coffee in the morning and I'm lucky if I drink anything else all day. I just admitted that. This isn't good for anyone.

My main goal is to be toned, stop cravings (I still fight those, and occasionally eat things that aren't unprocessed ie Amy's gluten free pizza, air popped popcorn, and I do eat gluten free oatmeal when I'm rushed in the AM). Oh, and drink more water! I'm going to be looking into starting the gym again, as soon as I can figure out which gym is worth my $, as they have contracts at the two I'm looking at. My overall goal in summary is balance. I struggled with overeating/obesity until I was 18, and then battled anorexia and bulimia for almost 5 years.

Also! One goal I accomplished that was a long time coming- I've paid off all my debt!!! My school loan, capital one, victoria secret and wal mart credit card are paid off. It may have taken almost my whole tax return but I immediately saw the savings when I got my pay check and didn't have to use it all. On top of that I got a raise at work. Boo-ya.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Quick Update

As of March 5th, I became engaged!

Another post to come soon

Monday, January 2, 2012

Hello Again

Wowsers, practically a year has gone by since I've posted last. With that time a lot has changed and based on my last post it's all good! I've been at my job since July, and January 6th will mark Matt and I's 3rd anniversary. We had an amazing Christmas and New Years and Im grateful for all our blessings. I've teetered with the thought of starting a new blog a handful of times, but it never felt right. It feels like I'd be denying everything I went through that lead me to where I am now.

I'm not making an commitments to writing x, y or z on days a,b, and c but I will drop in once and a while as I do follow a couple blogs (and I really need to clean out who I follow as many are not blogging any more and the ones I read I haven't made links to)

Until next time :)

Monday, April 18, 2011

Internal Struggles

Its been just about a month since I've been laid off, and I have been unable to find a job as of yet. This panics me, and puts a thousand (mostly negative) thoughts racing about my mind. Until yesterday, I've also been sick with the flu for 2 weeks. That did not help how I felt. I have never in my life been that sick for that amount of time.

For the past few days I've been crying daily, for reasons I don't quite understand. My self esteem is at its lowest, which makes it that much harder to be motivated about a job, even though I want one so much. I have all this doubt in myself, my abilities and sadly the way I look and feel within my body matters so much to me and if I'm not feeling thin I feel worthless. My ED thoughts are back and very strong. I broke down crying to Matt and all I could say is "I just want my job back."

I also know how much of a comfort zone I got into at my job, how I was becoming more unsatisfied within my work, how I felt I wasn't making a difference (among others and myself). I want to make a difference in my life, be a positive influence to others, have a voice about something. I barely watch the news, but know our government wastes too much money with the budget, gas is getting high again and society is struggling with paying bills, living and providing for their families, and more than likely are depressed.

I definitely notice how I became so enmeshed in my job that I was drained all the time, had no hobbies, just no energy to think about anything but my job. I had no balance. Now that my job is over, I've been thrown for a loop and need to find my footing again, but it feels like I have no idea where I belong.