Hello Again

Wowsers, practically a year has gone by since I've posted last. With that time a lot has changed and based on my last post it's all good! I've been at my job since July, and January 6th will mark Matt and I's 3rd anniversary. We had an amazing Christmas and New Years and Im grateful for all our blessings. I've teetered with the thought of starting a new blog a handful of times, but it never felt right. It feels like I'd be denying everything I went through that lead me to where I am now.

I'm not making an commitments to writing x, y or z on days a,b, and c but I will drop in once and a while as I do follow a couple blogs (and I really need to clean out who I follow as many are not blogging any more and the ones I read I haven't made links to)

Until next time :)

Internal Struggles

Its been just about a month since I've been laid off, and I have been unable to find a job as of yet. This panics me, and puts a thousand (mostly negative) thoughts racing about my mind. Until yesterday, I've also been sick with the flu for 2 weeks. That did not help how I felt. I have never in my life been that sick for that amount of time.

For the past few days I've been crying daily, for reasons I don't quite understand. My self esteem is at its lowest, which makes it that much harder to be motivated about a job, even though I want one so much. I have all this doubt in myself, my abilities and sadly the way I look and feel within my body matters so much to me and if I'm not feeling thin I feel worthless. My ED thoughts are back and very strong. I broke down crying to Matt and all I could say is "I just want my job back."

I also know how much of a comfort zone I got into at my job, how I was becoming more unsatisfied within my work, how I felt I wasn't making a difference (among others and myself). I want to make a difference in my life, be a positive influence to others, have a voice about something. I barely watch the news, but know our government wastes too much money with the budget, gas is getting high again and society is struggling with paying bills, living and providing for their families, and more than likely are depressed.

I definitely notice how I became so enmeshed in my job that I was drained all the time, had no hobbies, just no energy to think about anything but my job. I had no balance. Now that my job is over, I've been thrown for a loop and need to find my footing again, but it feels like I have no idea where I belong.

Where I'm At

Since my last post almost a month ago, this same story line has continued at work. Stressed, under appreciated but hanging in there. I think the only reason I 'hung in there.' was because 1) I didn't think I could find a better job at that pay 2) I thought it would get better. Well #1 is going to have to happen, because #2 did not happen.

They first changed our schedules, so the only associate thats in my store and myself began working reduced hours, and the store hours were dramatically changed. Being open 11am to 4pm for a Cellular Retailer is NOT normal. This put myself and the associate alone at busy times. The Friday that I worked 4pm to 7pm by myself after associate was scheduled to leave, left the store overfilled and me loosing 4 phone sales. I called one of the owners and asked if he realized this was going on. He did not (which through my higher powers knew he did. I asked just who made these schedules and found  out it was the other owner and another associate who was promoted to replace our Operations Manager, as to train myself more with Managing (ordering phones/accessories). Shortly before this they closed one of our Store locations (we have three).

He told me he's sorry that happened, and informed me he will be in the location tomorrow to bring some stuff (supplies, etc) and I felt a little relieved I expressed my feelings, as I felt this topped it off. I expressed that if I'm the Manager, and all these changes are happening, and I hear them through the grapevine, follow suite, and that I'm not being initially addressed in person/meeting from them, it leaves me scratching my head in the corning wondering what I'm really doing and why.

So he shows the next day, at the end of our long work day Saturday ::cough:: and says there are some changes going on. He let us know he had to let go an associate in one location, and our Operations Manager. He then continued, I have to let go of both of you (associate and I) I almost let out a laugh, but he didn't say 'just kidding!' so I half coughed. I felt confused. I don't even think thats the appropriate word. I knew the company was struggling, but to lay off HALF the company, leaving the two owners and two associates that had been there the longest to run two locations, appeared like a suicide mission to me. It made and makes no sense. I felt hurt, betrayed and pissed right the fuck off. I worked my ass off, for more than 2 years to just have them say thanks, bye. Oh and its affective immediately. Saturday was my last day. Thisfuckingsucks.

I'm still not done grieving. I've already been struggling with my self esteem, eating disorder leftovers, and now its completely on the surface again. I realize over two years I've accomplished a lot, learned a ton, but it can't heal how horribly down I feel. This is a huge blow to how I view my career life and I'm struggling to get back up.

So Lost!

I'm overly stressed right now (more than typically) in relation to my job. Ever since becoming Manager in July Ive been working my butt of to be the best at my job as possible. In short story I was given this position and since not been trained on the previous manager's duties. I handle everything he did from observation, except ordering of phones and accessories (not by choice), which impacts everything as I have come to learn (I manage a large retail wireless carrier store). I have to relate all phone/accessory needs to our 'Operations Manager' (I quote this because thats his so called title-when all he does is help with installs, as we also sell Satellite TV). I can honestly write a book of this whole shit fest, but it would be so complicated and hard to explain, but all in all they are not letting me grow as a Manager. I'M DRAINED. I feel overall worthless, dumb, and taken advantage of.

So here I am, sipping on margaritas and watching You're Cut Off.

Gonna watch Shameless next....

Ugh.

Recovery Reflections

Recovering to live my life fully, without self judgement. To be able to accept my feelings, not always analyzing why or why not I should feel a certain way. This eating disorder will not substitute my feelings.

I've come back to my Blog now, after almost a year since my last entry, to find that my profile introduction is exactly as I need it to be for me in my life today, just as it was 2 years ago when I started writing.

My Hiatus in writing was nothing short of me living my life. Adding to that my laptop broke due to HP's faulty model laptops (bad motherboard) and then finally finding a 'loophole' through the state that covered my PC for 4 years (mine was just over 2 years old), and here I am, a fixed laptop for free. 

I've been back in therapy for the last couple of months, with my same T, due to anxiety and stress since I've moved into Management position at my job. Eating wise things are well, again, its more of the self judgement (hating myself/feeling bad/internally bashing myself) when I don't see myself as doing 'good enough'. Since I'm not using food (starving/binging/purging) to deal, its harder to face the feelings, and Ive become very good at just burying them and being silent. These negative feelings are of course in their own way eating at me, and I do burst out and take it out on Matt at times, which I'm working on. (Bad day at work, I come home, Matt does something by accident, I overreact to that situation to let underlying feelings out) But this is wrong, as it doesn't help me feel any better about work, and it hurts Matt.

I so shall start checking in to see who's still writing, and see if this writing thing might do me some good with this stress stuff!

Torn

I havent been writing lately. Reason #1 Laptop is dead. Long story short, HP made a faulty product and failed to inform their customers, and created an unfair extended warrantee, which mine falls two months shy of 'qualifying' EVEN though the executive case manager confirmed the computers, like mine, were being made and shipped months before, that to date don't fit in their 'warrantee span.' Two days of calling this man, argueing, and talking to others I will be calling the Maine Attorney General, specifically to the Consumer Protection department to get this remedied. I did not spend $900 to have the motherboard DIE because they fucked up, 2 years and 2 months later...yes for real this is the 'short story.'

Reason #2 I've been not in a good space. Mentally and physically. Why is it that I feel I should sit in this misery? I really don't want this kind of life, the loathing of my body and wanting to scream. I've been in an extremely aggitated mood and feel everyone is against me. I want my eating disorder back, but only parts of it. I'm reading Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters, which is a must read, and I feel torn about who I am. I know what I feel in my heart, what kind of life I wanna live, but all around me others contradict the authentic kind of life. Its about looks, being perfect and making it appear effortless. Its hard not to believe this because its so embedded in everyones head including mine.

I feel Im always against myself in order to get control of myself. Sigh....

Kinda Excited! ;)

I just finished my taxes via Tax Slayer. Matt has done it this way for years now, and instead of asking my friend Heather who works for a payroll company (she does it for free), and waiting weeks to get the money, Tax Slayer is super quick, and my money will be deposited within 15 days. Only drawback is there is a $14.90 charge for processing, etc no matter if you choose direct deposit or have a check mailed out. Nothing is ever free folks. I totally plugged Tax Slayer...whoops.

So, being employed part time, I will be receiving $654 back (federal & state), and in 5 minutes already planned what I'm doing with it. So I must share cause I'm like that, and I'm excited.

$200 will be going to my credit card. That's going to be nice.

$185(est) I will be buying an iPod Touch! Yessa. Did you know the iTouch and the iPhone are exactly the same and the only difference is you cannot make calls, and it does not have a camera. I work for US Cellular and could never switch to AT&T because A) they suck B) they suck C) bad customer service, NO cell service in most all of Maine, and overpriced plans. My master mind plan is to purchase the iTouch, that has wi-fi, so the net and facebook, etc is available to me plus my music, and apps galore. This means I will cancel my Blackberry Service, which runs me $24.95/month, and cancel the $5.95 insurance. I am going to save $31 a month on my cell bill! I'll be buying a Motorola VE20 (basic phone) and simply use it as a phone. (BTW, my plan's a National 1000, free incoming calls from anyone, nights and weekends @7pm, and free mobile to mobile (US Cellular customers--->US Cellular customers.), for $49.99/month!

The remaining $269, either I will need to put $100 or so down for my laptop to be repaired which I'm expecting. Anything left over from that is going to our (Matt and I) first kitchen table.

Finally no more sitting at our coffee table for dinner...