Saturday, December 27, 2008

A Day Late

This post comes a day late, as yesterday I fell asleep till 1pm, then cleaned the house, and visited my friend H, and went to Z's house for the night. I'm going to gather my thoughts as best as I can, as I felt I wanted to post about this issue on Thursday, from my latest therapy session.

I've been seeing L since March of 2008, when my anorexia/orthorexia turned into bulimia (vomiting). I came in as thinking it would never stop, but gain the control of it and live a happy life, without letting go of my Ed behaviors. I felt there was no way to 'fix' me and I would always be miserable. At least a couple months worth of sessions were filled with many tears, and barrel loads of tissues. Tears built up from years of not crying. I might even say I felt worse going into therapy, but I stuck it through knowing that I deserved better, even though I was emotionally numb.

I came out of the Hospital (inpatient) in mid August, and continued seeing L twice a week, plus my new psychiatrist which I saw first before going into the hospital. I had followed my meal plan exactly for 2 months, then went on my own to decide (with my T) what and when to eat-as long as I held myself responsible, no purging or restricting allowed. And since being out I haven't. 5 months and going! More importantly to me is not the chance of relapsing (although the fear is terrifying), it is more of being able to apply my new skills, and reach out for help if needed when I become triggered. As long as I can get back up if I fall, it's okay.

Nowadays I come into therapy with really nothing to talk about. There is no one thing that is upsetting or bothering me now. When something comes up in life, I accept it or speak up and change it/change my feelings about it. It is kind of awkward smiling all throughout my sessions. 

I began to talk about how I blog online, and have a network of friends that are a great support (I had told her a couple weeks prior about me blogging). I brought up the issue of me feeling at times, almost too recovered to focus on, well recovery. Still in my mind though there are so many scary thoughts of Ed just coming and taking over, like a demon. It's almost as I'm on a fine line of another place I've never been, only intimidated by the unknown fears on the other side (which is life). Yet I can see the other side as well. That dark, hateful, miserable place I felt trapped in, and the only way out-or to stay in for that matter, I believed was through Ed. That side is most definitely far away, not appealing, and I feel a huge power over being able to see that and choose otherwise. Before I did know the consequences most times with my Ed, but the Ed always won, because there was "no other way" in my mind. There was no other way, because I didn't know of it. I had to be open to the idea of life without body obsession. To recover from my Ed, I had to recognize it was not my physical self I hated, it was the internal self I could not stand to be with. Once I became comfortable in my mind, my body began to follow as well.

My issue here is, I do not want to make it appear as recovery is easy. It's not. I feel even though I've had my Ed (excluding compulsive overeating) for almost 3 years, that I am almost feeling too good too soon? Or that my posts are usually always uplifting and positive. I feel in a way guilty for being happy when others might not be. I do recognize I do this in my life with others.

But happiness is what I want, to feel a complete peace with myself now that I couldn't even remember I had ever felt. I did this. Every step was a choice. Why deny these feelings?

Then I know that I love reading every one's blogs, and especially on the issue of any weight acceptance. I am hugely against the media degrading woman, and now targeting young girls. I have had great feedback from all of you, and how my posts have inspired you or just made you smile. I love that I have such a good support that is always there.

I am in no way going to stop blogging=) I feel like I am in a strange category-not recovered but not in my eating disorder. I'm very observant to see that my eating choices/habits are extremely OCD, and have nothing to do with me wanting to loose weight. I honestly don't want to loose weight, and I've accepted that it's perfectly okay to feel this way! For once in my life I feel no need to change my physical appearance. It's about fucking time I enjoyed it.

Do any of you feel like you're in the same boat?

3 comments:

  1. Sarah, first off, I think it is evident the work you have done in recovery is yes paying off. Everyone's recovery is different. Where you are is where you are, and you shouldn't feel guilty for that. I think the fact that you are not denying your feelings and realizing that you can have happiness is a huge thing to be proud of.

    As for being in the same boat, I know I've had moments of feeling in the middle--between not completely in ED Land nor complete recovery either. It can feel awkward, but there are many many people right here with you.

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  2. Sarah; i hope you know i was just kidding about pushing you to post. i love your blog, so i guess that answers part of your question. wherever you are in your recovery is fine. we all love hearing about it,where you've been and where you are - anything you want to tell us.

    it is nice to help others and role-modeling. i understand preferring an upbeat attitude (i understand it in theory. i'm not so good at it.) as long as you don't feel like you ALWAYS need to show us a positive attitude. we don't expect anything from you.

    i guess i understand being in the midddle, although i know you're further along the way in recovery. i don't binge, purge or starve anymore, but my mind needs a lot more self-confidence. you help with that.

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  3. Tiptoe, thank you for your words. I am proud, and it's such a new feeling to have it feels foreign and I guess I don't know what to make of it. I'm glad to have many other people around going through situations similar to mine.

    Melissa, it's totally okay. I really really wanted to post that morning, everything was fresh in my mind, and I have a horrible memory. I wanted to post Thursday but forgot haha. With having a positive attitude, it's definitely all natural. Whenever I'm upset/down I will come here to blog about it, because I really get a lot out of people's support/ideas. The self confidence is a hard part in recovery-I found it more difficult than dropping the behaviors, because you actually have to face yourself, learn to accept and love, then you will fully live.

    <3 to you both!

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