Friday, December 12, 2008

Mind & Body Conjoin

Slow cooked Oatmeal
1 Banana
5 or so baby carrots (found mold on one, yeah I'm done now)
About 25 pistachios
4 prunes

That's all I ate today? I just thought about it because it's getting close to dinner time and I'm not hungry at all. So I thought about everything I ate today which apparently isn't much. I don't feel that this is bad though, because it was not on purpose what so ever. 

I'm smack in the middle of my "ideal" weight for my frame and height. That's not an excuse. But I know at any weight Eds strike. It's self hatred. Just fix your body and you'll feel better. Oh, okay you got to your goal weight, but now it needs to be lower, you're not quite happy enough. Why can't you do anything right? No one likes me. Just one last binge, then I'm done. I'm okay, nothings wrong with me, don't worry. Nothing I do is ever enough. Tons o'lies.

Ed is a dangerous self trap that is a bitch to climb out of. I could let Ed own what I ate today. "That's great!" or "Tomorrow do it again!" or even "You should be eating less than that, you're FAT!"

But, ed isn't speaking. Nope. I'm bloated. My period is due. I have no hunger for anything, and THAT'S OKAY. My mind is at ease and all I can do is accept that. If I doubt my emotions, I will let Ed sneak in to persue to do harmful things. My body is not being denied anything. I will however, eat some tuna (with onions) in a salad with some fixings. Not hungry, but tuna sounds good now=) Oh and chocolate after...

3 comments:

  1. I think we all have those types of days where eating is blah or less. It's recognizing this, being able to keep yourself on track, and not letting the ED voices win. Acceptance can be a lot of it too.

    I think it also really depends on where you are in recovery. For some in early recovery, just skipping one meal can be a precursor to restriction or bingeing, etc.

    On a side note, I hope you're not too snowed in. I know some places got a snow, and other ice.

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  2. I think it's exactly that-it's where I am in recovery now. The first 3 months out of the hospital I followed my meal plan religiously-I felt I had to follow to a t, it controlled my schedule and dominated my brain, as all I could think about is when I had to eat next. As you can imagine I started feeling sufficated by the meal plan and felt it was more triggering for me to go back to my ED, to rebel. It felt I had limited choices, just as my ED made me feel before recovery. So I slowly came off my meal plan, and focused more on my feelings in therapy, and my body signals for what it needed. I found this worked for me.

    It was all ice! Like a quarter inch of frozeness covered everything. I broke my ice pick while deicing my car haha

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  3. did you ever read overcoming overeating? they talk about eating when you're hungry and stopping when you're full -- getting in touch with your body, when it needs food, what food it wants, and how much. sounds like you're there. you've obviously done some amazing work!

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