So on my drive home, I wanted to stop for a gluten/dairy free chocolate cookie, cause I wanted one. my anorexia said "hell no, you eat one, you'll want one tomorrow, that's too much." Orthorexia says "That's a nice treat, make sure you eat lots of veggies tonight though." and Bulimia says "Hell yes! Buy dairy free ice cream, herbal popcorn and trail mix too!" My God, it's like 3 kids I can't please. I didn't listen to any of them. I held it together, drove straight home. I really wasn't hungry, and didn't really want a cookie. I would have been better off to have called a friend for support, because holding it together usually never works. But it did this time, so I'm proud about that. But I'm scared it's going to happen again.
At therapy we talked about this fear, and how paralyzed I feel when it comes to food since I have multiple eds, and multiple rules and reasons for each. And the fact I can't sense hunger and satisfaction. We discussed how my 'offending voice' is actually helping me versus trying to 'defend' myself against what the ed wants. If it's dinner time and I'm not hungry at all, I make myself have soup. I petition for the positive reasons I'm doing it:
- Its been a while since I ate anything
- Its good for me, nourishing, warm
- If I don't eat now I might choose to over eat on something later.
- It's dinner time, Dad and G are having their dinner.
This is focusing on the positives of eating. The main motive for me eating that soup. I realized on the drive home, I really asked myself why I wanted the cookie. It was so I could have an excuse to buy more food than just that one cookie in the store. The bulimia in me jumps right out and holds my hand in stores. So I acknowledge this, thought rationally (not like well just this once, I won't do it again, I won't feel that bad afterwards. Lies lies lies. ACCESS DENIED.
Next post I really want to get into job fears, balancing work & fun, and how you feel about being unemployed (if you are) while in recovery.
I want to add though, if you are into exotic tastes, have a try at these, GT Kombucha, or Synergy. It's fermented tea that has active probiotics, B vitamins, as well as antioxidants and organic acids. This is good in my case, since I do not consume any dairy/dairy products. I've tried them all and I'm found of the Ginger Berry. Right now I'm sipping through Strawberry Serenity. Yum.