Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Oh no You Don't

Wow, what a rocky day thus far. My big fear came half true. I've been worried since recovery that my ed will literally pounce on me. Like I'll be doing fine and dandy, then BAM. I'll drive to the super market, buy the store out (Nature's Place section actually) gorge then purge. Then the cycle will start again. I don't want this. Since I know how out of control I was when my ed was full force, I think it has like this underlying power to just take over me at any given moment for no reason at all.  Scary shit.

So on my drive home, I wanted to stop for a gluten/dairy free chocolate cookie, cause I wanted one. my anorexia said "hell no, you eat one, you'll want one tomorrow, that's too much." Orthorexia says "That's a nice treat, make sure you eat lots of veggies tonight though." and Bulimia says "Hell yes! Buy dairy free ice cream, herbal popcorn and trail mix too!" My God, it's like 3 kids I can't please. I didn't listen to any of them. I held it together, drove straight home. I really wasn't hungry, and didn't really want a cookie. I would have been better off to have called a friend for support, because holding it together usually never works. But it did this time, so I'm proud about that. But I'm scared it's going to happen again. 

At therapy we talked about this fear, and how paralyzed I feel when it comes to food since I have multiple eds, and multiple rules and reasons for each. And the fact I can't sense hunger and satisfaction. We discussed how my 'offending voice' is actually helping me versus trying to 'defend' myself against what the ed wants. If it's dinner time and I'm not hungry at all, I make myself have soup. I petition for the positive reasons I'm doing it:

  • Its been a while since I ate anything
  • Its good for me, nourishing, warm
  • If I don't eat now I might choose to over eat on something later.
  • It's dinner time, Dad and G are having their dinner.

This is focusing on the positives of eating. The main motive for me eating that soup. I realized on the drive home, I really asked myself why I wanted the cookie. It was so I could have an excuse to buy more food than just that one cookie in the store. The bulimia in me jumps right out and holds my hand in stores. So I acknowledge this, thought rationally (not like well just this once, I won't do it again, I won't feel that bad afterwards. Lies lies lies. ACCESS DENIED.

Next post I really want to get into job fears, balancing work & fun, and how you feel about being unemployed (if you are) while in recovery.
I want to add though, if you are into exotic tastes, have a try at these, GT Kombucha, or Synergy. It's fermented tea that has active probiotics, B vitamins, as well as antioxidants and organic acids. This is good in my case, since I do not consume any dairy/dairy products. I've tried them all and I'm found of the Ginger Berry. Right now I'm sipping through Strawberry Serenity. Yum.


  1. You are doing great. That's a whole lot of noise to fight. I'm obsessed about food again at the moment. It's not from eating too little, i'm assuming it's all part of the beginning to eat normally gig, but ho hum, not an easy time of year to fight ED's!

    Lola x

  2. Sarah, good for you for recognizing all the voices and being able to identify what you really felt. I understand the fear, thinking it might happen again and whether you'll be strong enough to overpower it.

    Yeah to the positives of dinner. We do need positive motivations to help us get there. And if soup dose sit for you, then so be it!

    I haven't tried the drinks you mentioned, but I've heard kombucha is good.

  3. it's weird -- we have very similiar inner dialogues, but a lot of us do, i find. these are hard lines -- do we want the cookie. is it okay to just want a cookie, even if we're not hungry? is that cookie craving actually our inner ED planning a festive night of multiple cookies. and ice cream. maybe a little pizza? or is it better to just make some soup, because it's dinner time? or not eat at all because we're trying to learn to eat out of huger? well, now you know (just some) of my inner dialogue. thanks for the thought-provoking!

  4. Melissa, what you added is so true. It's hard in recovery to trust your incentive, because you aren't quite sure if it's yours, or if it is yours, will ed come in to ruin the moment? That's a big thing for me to work at, knowing if when I know for sure its the ed talking, I try to dig deeper to what triggered it.