Monday, December 22, 2008

Reflections

We so got a crap load of snow. I'm going to have a ball shoveling my car a good path to drive out of my driveway. I cannot believe how close it is to Christmas. Or even the fact that this year has gone by so fast. At this time last year G and my Dad had just started seeing each other.By then I was completely drenched in my ed, severely restricting myself and in a complete depression. By February I started binging and purging. I was so emotionally shut down and lost. G was the first person I told about my purging, and the first time she knew about my Ed all together. I love her so much, but yet her entering our lives triggered my anxiety so much. I knew I was scared of having someone new in our lives, our home. From my experience with my mom, I felt any woman that came in would be like her and find me to be problem, and unwanted. Through my Ed, G has never once has not been there for me. I have so much trust in her. So much I see that I can be honest about everything, to anyone, because G has proven to me that I need to take care of myself, and not ignore my emotions or deny my pain. Someone will always be there for me, no matter how bad I feel. It's almost like I was testing a complete stranger, seeing if they really gave a shit about me. I tested my mother all the time (in very rebellious ways though) and she never was concerned about my underlying feelings. I gave up on trust and believing others wanted to care about me. If my mom couldn't, how could anyone else?

I can clearly remember at the hospital, at the end of inpatient, my Dad, G and brother came in for a meeting with me and my hospital therapist. I still think of all that was said by everyone, how loved I felt (yet guilty I could not really process/take it all in at the time). I can see G's face and how she was trying to hold back her tears, and how she told me that she feels blessed being in my family's lives. How I had actually helped her see things in another light, something that gave her more strength to understand her daughters and what they may be going through. I saw how someone new in my life had come to love me so much.

I look back at this past year and see the worst and best year I have ever lived. I feel I've gone through this tremendous transition, in reality not in a long period of time, but has felt like it was never going to end. It is unbelievable how much fear can literally traumatize you, almost into a state of shock, always on high alert. Feeling no way out. My heart breaks when I read/see people's struggles still with binging, purging, restricting. I'm torn in a sense of wanting to cry because I can feel their pain as if it was my own, and at the same time can't believe I ever had felt and done those things. Relating to their struggles I find it sobering to know I have worked my way out of that misery, but can still look back and not deny nor dismiss what I went though. At the same time I just want to hand them over all the right tools to lift them out of that torture and fear. It feels unfair that I have come this far in recovery and that I can't magically give recovery to others. Because I know with Ed's, the person needs to choose recovery. Choosing recovery means choosing uncertainty. And that is just as scary and traumatizing as living with the Ed as well, except in recovery those feelings do pass. They really do.

4 comments:

  1. Choosing recovery is truly the key. It is the most difficult thing to put into action, though it shouldn't be. I feel like choosing somedays, and others I don't. I guess that's better than not choosing at all!

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  2. Merry Christmas to you. I have locked my ED in the cupboard under the stairs but he's making a helluva racket just now! Keep fighting the good fight .

    Lola x

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  3. What an open, honest, and powerful post. Thank you for letting us see into the emotion, fear, triumph, and struggle of recovery.
    You may not be able to magically give recovery to others like you'd like to but your words certainly help show the way. KUTGW!

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  4. Thanks to all of you! Your words are so encouraging and I could not ask for anything more.

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