Sunday, December 7, 2008

Rules

Like many people that live with Eating Disorders, there are 'rules' or right and wrong, basically black and white thinking. I've decided to write out all my Ed's rules I've ever had, and highlight only the ones that are still active. I won't include other OCD behaviors, because it'd be way too friggin long. (This is personally for me, if this will trigger, please don't read)

  • Weighing myself every morning, always 2 times in a row
  • Having the same breakfast every morning
  • No liquids but water, tea, coffee, and heavily watered down %100 juice. alcohol on occasion
  • Never any foods that include gluten (wheat, rye, barley, etc.), dairy, chicken, beef, or pork, additives, dyes, modified starches, trans fats
  • Mirror checking 20+ times a day (mostly my face)
  • Measuring my hips, waist, and thighs often
  • Food ate has to be low calorie, low fat, low carb and low sugar if not fruit, veggies, fish, seafood, and nuts (raw food mostly) Packaged foods scare me.
  • Gym every other day for 2 hours
  • Constant grabbing/pinching at my areas that I saw as 'fat'
  • Jeans must also be loose feeling to me
  • Writing down everything I ate each day, finding ways to cut it down
  • If I eat something I'm 'not supposed to', I must then go all out, eat even more of it, and more of anything else. After this I must purge. The ultimate punishment.
As I write this list I see how far I have come in my recovery. And half of it isn't relevant to the list-it's how I feel inside now, how I view myself and treat myself. Respecting my body and mind because that's what it deserves and needs to be functioning and happy.

Other than the same breakfast everyday (part OCD), and loose fitting jeans (anxiety inducer or reducer depending), my rules were mostly in what went in my body. In my case of food 'rules', I am now choosing to own them as my decision and not give Ed the benefit of the doubt that he's dictating this decision. It was my initial choice that lead me to my weight loss of 50lbs. (I have PCOS-you can read up on it online. Symptoms include irregular periods, infertility, diabetes, heart disease, fatigue, increased hunger, high weight, high blood pressure, inability to loose weight, etc) These symptoms start around puberty. I'm proud of this accomplishment in that it has made me healthier, as I was on the border line to developing diabetes type 2 at 14 till the age of 18. Living with PCOS is just as bad physically, mentally, and emotionally as the Ed (to me) In that case the way to manage my PCOS is to keep a lean figure to reduce my symptoms (which were extremely emotionally painful at my high weight)**The diet I followed to manage my PCOS was followed by a doctor**

What took it too far was the high I got from loosing weight, and how fast it came off, how much more energy I had, and more over the cravings for 'bad' food were gone. I was addicted to being healthy, and finding new ways to get even healthier, and loose more weight. More weight lost meant more happiness and success. I basically found a reason to not eat almost all food. It's an obsession, and I did not see how deep I was in it until I literally felt no control over my behavior. After restricting more and more I thought more and more about food, all food, and how much I craved it, yet could deny it. My body only put up with this for so long until I fell deeper into more behaviors.

I'm still cautious, fearful of lots of food, abstain from certain food completely (I know from experience they only trigger behavior), read labels, but I eat. I eat when I'm hungry or feel like having some chocolate (it's much easier now to say 'fuck off' to that voice that says no than it was before) Life isn't all about fixing myself anymore with food. I'm perfectly imperfect as I am=)

6 comments:

  1. It is quite amazing how many "rules" we give ourselves. I'm glad to hear you've broken free from some of those rules and continue on towards recovery.

    I've had friends who have had PCOS, and it can be a difficult thing to deal with but certainly it can be managed as well. Hopefully, you're doing well in that department now. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes these days my PCOS is managed (no symptoms, possibly abnormal period but I'm on the pill), which adds to the fear of becoming "fat"-I'll get the symptoms back.

    I'm very grateful though, with all I've been through I'm relatively healthy=)

    ReplyDelete
  3. thanks for including me in your blogroll!

    great to see that your list is so much shorter now than it used to be! talk about progress.

    would love to see one of your posts in the carnival of eating disorders that i run every last of the month.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you=) Progress is sometimes hard to see unless you can take a step back, which has taken me a while to do to and give myself credit thus far in my recovery.

    I also added your new site to my blogroll as well=)

    ReplyDelete
  5. how well i know the rules. i'm recovering pretty well, but out of the blue, some rule will pop into my head, and i'll put down the half & half or freak out because i'm eating before noon -- or whatever comes to me from my once VERY long list. progess is hard to see and hard work to attain. keep it up!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Definitely is difficult, and it seemed on top of my old rules, I seemed to add new ones each day, minor (but huge to me), like cutting out peanuts completely one day and the next it's I can't eat after such and such a time. It's very constricting and sufficating.

    Glad you are doing well=)

    ReplyDelete