Saturday, December 6, 2008

Waking to the Sunrise

Last night I came down to stay the night with my Dad and G (dad's wonderful girlfriend, my mother figure). We are about to embark on a (about 3 hr) trip to Mass, with 3 of her 5 daughters & family, along with G's mom for a lunch out, and some shopping. I woke up this morning @ the condo, and turned my head to look out beyond the deck at the pink blue sunrise coming through over the ocean. This put a smile on my face for sure.

Yesterday's appointments went really well. Pdoc informed me that my heart rate is not something to get too worried about, but wants me to keep track on a log at times when it's racing while resting, and to count the bpm. She does not think my increased heart rate is due to my meds, which I agree, since I felt this long before being on my meds, but ignored it. I then drove down and stopped at Starbucks for my daily grande soy caffe misto, and read more of She's Come Undone in a nice plush seat. That novel is extremely moving, sad, and comical at the same time. I highly recommend it.

At my psychiatrist appointment we discussed my current mind frame of everything. It put so much more emphasis on my feelings about me Ed. I have more understanding of it not knowing what caused it. What I know is the order in which things occurred, and how my emotions ensued my behavior. Like any addiction though, I believe its a fear of truly living, of taking risk and still believing in yourself. Beating yourself to the punch is easy and predictable, and doesn't let you down. She agreed with me, that in therapy, if spending too much time on trying to find what 'caused' a certain mental illness, it can actually due more harm than good. I believe this because I felt %100 worse when starting therapy, trying to nail what caused this, and why. It brought frustration, confusion and guilt. I know now that the cause was in all aspects me really, as my personality and brain functioning could thrive of the ed behaviors. My mom was a wack job, sure, but she didn't cause it. Her passing her OCD and perfectionism genes probably influenced it. Friends didn't cause it, etc.

Anywho, we're close to leaving so I need to finish getting ready. Have a beautiful day.

3 comments:

  1. Hey thanks for the link, I've added you to my blogroll too.

    "spending too much time on trying to find what 'caused' a certain mental illness, it can actually due more harm than good

    I totally agree as well. Way too many people dwell on this so much, pondering for hours on what caused them to have an ED. Thing is if there is even a definite reason, then what caused them to to have an ED in the first place -- say when they were 15 years old --may not be relevant to them now when they are older. So, from the point of view of overcoming an eating problem, the issue is what is keeping the persons eating disorder going now, rather than why did they started many years ago.

    Hang in there

    Lola x

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  2. Glad to hear your appts. went well and you got something out of them.

    "Like any addiction though, I believe its a fear of truly living, of taking risk and still believing in yourself."

    I think this is certainly true. Fear can be very debilitating, and when you don't believe in yourself, it's fueled even more.

    Keep up the good work in trying to get past the ED versus figuring out all the Whys.

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  3. Lola & Tiptoe-I'm so happy for your positive comments, I appreciate both your statements. As you could image, at the beginning of recovery I already felt failed because I wasn't 'finding' the reason for my ed. As a perfectionist, I believe I needed to find it, and 'fix' it. (Change myself, funny in that I was using the ed itself to 'fix' me...) I've learned it doesn't happen that way. I've got each day I wake up ahead of me, to create my day and see my life for what it really is, a gift. Each and everyone one of us is=)I also believe I needed to hit that rock bottom, which happened during therapy, which led me to inpatient.

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