Monday, December 29, 2008

What it's All About

I miss posting everyday, I always look forward to it. Now a days I'm so wrapped up in doing things, and when I'm not I'm trying to figure out if I need to do something else haha. It's much nicer staying constantly busy, with down time vs. wanting to do nothing and being down all the time. I'm accepting that everything cannot be done in a day, and just starting is better than not starting at all.

Today I had a fear food. This food I used to binge on (plus a lot of other foods) when I worked at a natural food store (thought working there would help me cure my Ed! HA!). I bought a cookie! Yes, it's gluten and diary free, had a buttload of protein in it, but it was scary. My Ed tested me by saying "If you buy one today, you'll have one everyday, and gain weight!" I fought it off and said fuck it. I wanted a chocolate chip cookie. I love that the natural food store in town (not one I worked at) sells them individually. All organic too, so it sits in my mind better. I even ate it before my salad. I'm pretty sure that one cookie is not making my ass look huge;)

On that note I'm doing fairly well on the orthorexia end of it. I used to not consume any meat, but now eat fish and seafood only, plus venison. I was fully vegan for 6 months, which set me deeper into my Ed, fearing all foods not in my "diet" (uhh so anything not a veggie, fruit, or nut). I won't go back to domesticated cow, pig, or chicken. I am yet to try free range, I do know of local farmers who raise their herds ethically. Those videos on PETA really shook me up.

Not everything I eat is organic now. I just try to stay as natural as possible, and I know this is my core principal because it makes me feel well, and I seem to not be as disturbed by food/body thoughts. Yes I still stick to only certain foods, but the list is so much bigger. I am also not denying my cravings (cookie!) but not sabotaging myself by eating 50 of them to punish myself for wanting them. Binging on food will only make you hate that food for a short time. Binging does not stop binging. I thought I could stop b/p by just binging on what I want and not getting rid of it, so the cravings would stop. SOO a bad idea. Shortly after this time is when I went into the hospital. I had no other "tools" to cure myself. I believed I was the only one that could stop my Ed, in theory that is true, but I needed to accept the help, and accept my feelings.

"Full recovery is not just weight and ending purging - it is living peacefully in one's mind again."-Eating With Your Anorexic

Can I get an Amen?

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