Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Where to begin?

Well I don't even know. I'm a perfectionist, (over)thinker, spiritual, caring, loving, and open person. I also live with Anorexia & Othorexia (with a Bulimic past history), Anxiety, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. All these though, I know do not define my worth. I hate and love the the qualities of me that I see as "negative" or "wrong". Such as my opinions, my knowledge of nutrition (choices/restrictions), my quietness, and quite possible knowing too much for my own brain to handle and sort out for proper use.

I've accepted that I will be living my with ed(s) forever. Yes, forever. My brain is wired this way, just as an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic, cause if something happens that is triggering enough, it will tempt that alcoholic to turn back to their harmful ways. My ed sometimes may be in submission, but it's right their waiting to jump out and be there in situations where I literally feel nothing else will help. 

Overeater and overweight until 18, lost 50lbs, become health obsessed (my ed really took a liking to the time I was in massage therapy school), turned to laxative abuse, then anorexia, and rounded the corner to binging/purging. Right now I am keeping myself sane managing my anorexia and orthorexia. (Being on happy meds might be a factor too) I've been inpatient at a hospital, in therapy since last March when the binging and purging began, and also see a pyschiatrist. 

I'm rational enough to know I've come a long way, and have worked to gained my own real strength to live my life. I have not binged/purged since the hospital last July. Bulimia was no fun trip for me, and my orthorexia sure thought it was horrible (which it is). I do not know what caused my ed to surface, how, when, etc. That is not important to me. It's important that I want to gain skills and healthy control of my own thoughts (making positive actions when I become upset, instead of sinking deeper into how bad I feel something is) 

I've also come to notice just how much of an epidemic weight is in America. I mean underweight, average weight, overweight, obese...If you are any of these you are somehow unhealthy in either a,b,c, or all of the above. With so much promotion for weight loss, it makes achieving underweight critiria acceptable and diserable, when quite frankly it is more of an overall health benefit to be a overweight. Starving brains can't function properly (Backing into my driveway and ending up in the front yard?) The "Obese Epedimic", will ultimately turn younger and younger people to fear fat, and could potientially set off more eating disorders that no diet will ever fix. Why can't the world focus on Love and Happiness?

Sadly, weight and image does matter in this place and time. Why? Because we made it the main attention. I've experienced first hand the mass amount of attention and interest people had in me once I lost almost %40 of my body weight. I don't entirely blame them, because of the extreme influence our culture has on "right" physical standards. They're conditioned. I don't want to be. People now adays probably know more about what celebrities have gained 10lbs than what is going on in Congress. 

I DO NOT in anyway mean for this blog to promote weight loss, change of lifestyle, or to negativly influence anyone. I will talk about these things, because I've expierenced all those and more. If it's triggering, I do not intend it to be. If what I say helps, they YAY:) 

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