Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Yet Again

I get home from work, do things that need to be done, feel relatively tired (I have been up since 3:30am.) I am in my bed by 9pm, read a bit, then go to sleep. I wake at not 3:30, not 3, not 2:30, but 2 freakin am!!! I'm so awake but too exhausted to care that it's constantly happening night after night. I am not feeling depressed, nor anxious. Am I so friggin happy that I want to be up and have a whole long day to bask in? Maybe, but I'd rather sleep! 

I am going to double verify to see exactly what my side effects of my medications are. Weird thing is, I've been on them for about 5 months, and just now experiencing them? Whilst this time of lack of sleep, I am also getting headaches often, which I never had before, and I have a stomach ache in the evening time. Everyday. WTF?

Thankfully I'm still a happy camper, but the 'need to know everything and why' mentality of my personality wants answers, pronto. I don't like not knowing things. I kind of see this as not liking to be vulnerable, actually that is exactly how I feel. I find that triggers a lot of my anxiety, the not knowing.

I had a great great session with K the other day. We were very in depth, and I very much like her therapy style, she opens up new ways of seeing past my behaviors, getting down to the thought process step by step ultimately resulting in how I ultimately show a certain emotion/feeling. I also dropped by Borders, and picked up Wasted that I ordered. I'm not that far in and already I'm hooked. She has a way of writing that is so blunt and honest. Things in my head never said to anyone, sometimes not even my therapist. Not on purpose, just things I have forgotten about how my Ed made me think/act. It's amazing that I accepted some of the traits/actions/behaviors as my own, when really it was what my Ed did to stay alive. Boy I was more fooled than I thought. 

Love to everyone!


  1. Hey there, isn't it GREAT to be up at 2am? Have you read Marine Snow's blog?

    In today's post,"There's a Label in My Soup", she coins a great little phrase: "The day time I am napping, but evenings are spent tapping". How true!

    I read Wasted when I was recovering from bulimia many yrs back. I found it to be quite triggering; I hope it is not so for you. Actually what I have found to be the best book by FAR is "The Anorexia Workbook". Thank God my husband picked it up for me (I had it pre-ordered at B&N); the cashier YELLED across the counter from the other end, "Is yours 'The Anorexia Workbook'?" My dh said everyone within earshot turned around to look and see who was buying it!

    I would have DIED.

    Anyhoo, Happy New Year's!

  2. I'm about 80 pgs in now, and I am not finding it triggering. I am actually discovering how much I can relate to the emotions and situations. Her writing is so powerful.

    I almost bought the Anorexia Workbook, I think there was like two different kinds? Which is the one you have? I would have been motified as well if that had happened to me. I wonder how your husband felt!

    Happy 2009 to you and yours!

  3. Wasted is one of my favourite books. One of the reasons I began treatment. I never considered myself sick until I identified with every page of Marya's book. She could have been writing about my life. It triggered me, but may well have pushed me to begin the biggest journey of my life. Or just to begin My Life.

    Happy New Year to you Sarah, hope 2009 brings you life, health and happiness.

    Lola x

  4. I am finding the same, being able to identify myself with her so much. I believe we (most people with Ed's) share a similiar way of thinking, and ways interpurting things.

    Happy New Year as well Lola, I wish you all the same!


  5. nothing sucks more than not sleeping. do get to the bottom of this. if it's something new and you're getting headaches and nausea (of course, that could be from lack of sleep), it's good to check in to.

    for years, i slept three hours a night. i don't know how i did it. i was starving them, so i'm sure that was a part of it. but i know you're eating and healthy.

    i'm not allowed real sleep meds, so the stuff i take to help sleep can make really lethargic during the day. i've been nauseous and head-achey too. when i see my doctor, i'm going to discuss this.

    isn't it annoying that many helpful drugs have side-effects? i hope your issues clear up, are not drug-related and you can get some sleep again!

  6. Melissa, I will definitely check with my dr about all my symptoms...they are new, it has been about 2 weeks now.

    I am eating, but I might not be drinking enough water. Also, I have a woodstove in my house, which dries the air out. On top of that 2 weeks ago I just got over a sinus infection (just in my nose) and still have a raw bloody nose to this day.

    I really want to avoid sleep meds, and I so hope it isn't my meds now, and that it can get better!

  7. Wasted is one of those books I think it really depends on where you are in your ED/ED recovery. Personally, I like her writing style and did identify with many of the feelings, but at the same time, I don't think of it as a "recovery" oriented book, maybe more insightful I'd say. I also read Madness awhile back which she wrote as well. It's another good book about rapid cycling bipolar disorder.

    I hope your sleeping situation gets worked out, as sleep deprivation just causes a lot of agony in the long run.