Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Yet Again

I get home from work, do things that need to be done, feel relatively tired (I have been up since 3:30am.) I am in my bed by 9pm, read a bit, then go to sleep. I wake at not 3:30, not 3, not 2:30, but 2 freakin am!!! I'm so awake but too exhausted to care that it's constantly happening night after night. I am not feeling depressed, nor anxious. Am I so friggin happy that I want to be up and have a whole long day to bask in? Maybe, but I'd rather sleep! 

I am going to double verify to see exactly what my side effects of my medications are. Weird thing is, I've been on them for about 5 months, and just now experiencing them? Whilst this time of lack of sleep, I am also getting headaches often, which I never had before, and I have a stomach ache in the evening time. Everyday. WTF?

Thankfully I'm still a happy camper, but the 'need to know everything and why' mentality of my personality wants answers, pronto. I don't like not knowing things. I kind of see this as not liking to be vulnerable, actually that is exactly how I feel. I find that triggers a lot of my anxiety, the not knowing.

I had a great great session with K the other day. We were very in depth, and I very much like her therapy style, she opens up new ways of seeing past my behaviors, getting down to the thought process step by step ultimately resulting in how I ultimately show a certain emotion/feeling. I also dropped by Borders, and picked up Wasted that I ordered. I'm not that far in and already I'm hooked. She has a way of writing that is so blunt and honest. Things in my head never said to anyone, sometimes not even my therapist. Not on purpose, just things I have forgotten about how my Ed made me think/act. It's amazing that I accepted some of the traits/actions/behaviors as my own, when really it was what my Ed did to stay alive. Boy I was more fooled than I thought. 

Love to everyone!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Not Cool

I'm pretty flustered. It's been a little over a week and each night I am consistently waking between the hours of 2 and 4am. I wake as though I'm fully rested and in my mind think it has to be 7am. I know I am wrong straight off when outside it is still pitch black. Rawr. Usually I get up, walk around, might use the bathroom, drink some water, then lay down and pass right out. Not today. I have been awake since 3:30am. Considering even if I pass back out, I tire in the day easier and much earlier. So I don't know what to expect today.

I've got therapy at 11:00 with a different therapist, since mine is on vacation. I have seen this therapist, K, and shes great. It will be an hour and a half since it is my only session this week. I've got work at 1:30-7pm. I know I want to leave early this morningto get groceries at Whole Foods, pick up sushi for lunch, and browse at their diary free dark chocolate chips (handful make a great snack when cravings hit).

With this extra time I'll be able to finish my laundry, and not feel so rushed. Well, more like my slowness won't matter lol

Monday, December 29, 2008

Chasing Images

What it's All About

I miss posting everyday, I always look forward to it. Now a days I'm so wrapped up in doing things, and when I'm not I'm trying to figure out if I need to do something else haha. It's much nicer staying constantly busy, with down time vs. wanting to do nothing and being down all the time. I'm accepting that everything cannot be done in a day, and just starting is better than not starting at all.

Today I had a fear food. This food I used to binge on (plus a lot of other foods) when I worked at a natural food store (thought working there would help me cure my Ed! HA!). I bought a cookie! Yes, it's gluten and diary free, had a buttload of protein in it, but it was scary. My Ed tested me by saying "If you buy one today, you'll have one everyday, and gain weight!" I fought it off and said fuck it. I wanted a chocolate chip cookie. I love that the natural food store in town (not one I worked at) sells them individually. All organic too, so it sits in my mind better. I even ate it before my salad. I'm pretty sure that one cookie is not making my ass look huge;)

On that note I'm doing fairly well on the orthorexia end of it. I used to not consume any meat, but now eat fish and seafood only, plus venison. I was fully vegan for 6 months, which set me deeper into my Ed, fearing all foods not in my "diet" (uhh so anything not a veggie, fruit, or nut). I won't go back to domesticated cow, pig, or chicken. I am yet to try free range, I do know of local farmers who raise their herds ethically. Those videos on PETA really shook me up.

Not everything I eat is organic now. I just try to stay as natural as possible, and I know this is my core principal because it makes me feel well, and I seem to not be as disturbed by food/body thoughts. Yes I still stick to only certain foods, but the list is so much bigger. I am also not denying my cravings (cookie!) but not sabotaging myself by eating 50 of them to punish myself for wanting them. Binging on food will only make you hate that food for a short time. Binging does not stop binging. I thought I could stop b/p by just binging on what I want and not getting rid of it, so the cravings would stop. SOO a bad idea. Shortly after this time is when I went into the hospital. I had no other "tools" to cure myself. I believed I was the only one that could stop my Ed, in theory that is true, but I needed to accept the help, and accept my feelings.

"Full recovery is not just weight and ending purging - it is living peacefully in one's mind again."-Eating With Your Anorexic

Can I get an Amen?

Saturday, December 27, 2008

A Day Late

This post comes a day late, as yesterday I fell asleep till 1pm, then cleaned the house, and visited my friend H, and went to Z's house for the night. I'm going to gather my thoughts as best as I can, as I felt I wanted to post about this issue on Thursday, from my latest therapy session.

I've been seeing L since March of 2008, when my anorexia/orthorexia turned into bulimia (vomiting). I came in as thinking it would never stop, but gain the control of it and live a happy life, without letting go of my Ed behaviors. I felt there was no way to 'fix' me and I would always be miserable. At least a couple months worth of sessions were filled with many tears, and barrel loads of tissues. Tears built up from years of not crying. I might even say I felt worse going into therapy, but I stuck it through knowing that I deserved better, even though I was emotionally numb.

I came out of the Hospital (inpatient) in mid August, and continued seeing L twice a week, plus my new psychiatrist which I saw first before going into the hospital. I had followed my meal plan exactly for 2 months, then went on my own to decide (with my T) what and when to eat-as long as I held myself responsible, no purging or restricting allowed. And since being out I haven't. 5 months and going! More importantly to me is not the chance of relapsing (although the fear is terrifying), it is more of being able to apply my new skills, and reach out for help if needed when I become triggered. As long as I can get back up if I fall, it's okay.

Nowadays I come into therapy with really nothing to talk about. There is no one thing that is upsetting or bothering me now. When something comes up in life, I accept it or speak up and change it/change my feelings about it. It is kind of awkward smiling all throughout my sessions. 

I began to talk about how I blog online, and have a network of friends that are a great support (I had told her a couple weeks prior about me blogging). I brought up the issue of me feeling at times, almost too recovered to focus on, well recovery. Still in my mind though there are so many scary thoughts of Ed just coming and taking over, like a demon. It's almost as I'm on a fine line of another place I've never been, only intimidated by the unknown fears on the other side (which is life). Yet I can see the other side as well. That dark, hateful, miserable place I felt trapped in, and the only way out-or to stay in for that matter, I believed was through Ed. That side is most definitely far away, not appealing, and I feel a huge power over being able to see that and choose otherwise. Before I did know the consequences most times with my Ed, but the Ed always won, because there was "no other way" in my mind. There was no other way, because I didn't know of it. I had to be open to the idea of life without body obsession. To recover from my Ed, I had to recognize it was not my physical self I hated, it was the internal self I could not stand to be with. Once I became comfortable in my mind, my body began to follow as well.

My issue here is, I do not want to make it appear as recovery is easy. It's not. I feel even though I've had my Ed (excluding compulsive overeating) for almost 3 years, that I am almost feeling too good too soon? Or that my posts are usually always uplifting and positive. I feel in a way guilty for being happy when others might not be. I do recognize I do this in my life with others.

But happiness is what I want, to feel a complete peace with myself now that I couldn't even remember I had ever felt. I did this. Every step was a choice. Why deny these feelings?

Then I know that I love reading every one's blogs, and especially on the issue of any weight acceptance. I am hugely against the media degrading woman, and now targeting young girls. I have had great feedback from all of you, and how my posts have inspired you or just made you smile. I love that I have such a good support that is always there.

I am in no way going to stop blogging=) I feel like I am in a strange category-not recovered but not in my eating disorder. I'm very observant to see that my eating choices/habits are extremely OCD, and have nothing to do with me wanting to loose weight. I honestly don't want to loose weight, and I've accepted that it's perfectly okay to feel this way! For once in my life I feel no need to change my physical appearance. It's about fucking time I enjoyed it.

Do any of you feel like you're in the same boat?

Friday, December 26, 2008

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas, or whichever holiday you may celebrate. This will be a short post, as I am going to eat breakfast soon. Later this morning I wanted to post about something that has been on my mind for a while, and would really appreciate some feedback on my thoughts. Till then, love you all! 

Monday, December 22, 2008

Reflections

We so got a crap load of snow. I'm going to have a ball shoveling my car a good path to drive out of my driveway. I cannot believe how close it is to Christmas. Or even the fact that this year has gone by so fast. At this time last year G and my Dad had just started seeing each other.By then I was completely drenched in my ed, severely restricting myself and in a complete depression. By February I started binging and purging. I was so emotionally shut down and lost. G was the first person I told about my purging, and the first time she knew about my Ed all together. I love her so much, but yet her entering our lives triggered my anxiety so much. I knew I was scared of having someone new in our lives, our home. From my experience with my mom, I felt any woman that came in would be like her and find me to be problem, and unwanted. Through my Ed, G has never once has not been there for me. I have so much trust in her. So much I see that I can be honest about everything, to anyone, because G has proven to me that I need to take care of myself, and not ignore my emotions or deny my pain. Someone will always be there for me, no matter how bad I feel. It's almost like I was testing a complete stranger, seeing if they really gave a shit about me. I tested my mother all the time (in very rebellious ways though) and she never was concerned about my underlying feelings. I gave up on trust and believing others wanted to care about me. If my mom couldn't, how could anyone else?

I can clearly remember at the hospital, at the end of inpatient, my Dad, G and brother came in for a meeting with me and my hospital therapist. I still think of all that was said by everyone, how loved I felt (yet guilty I could not really process/take it all in at the time). I can see G's face and how she was trying to hold back her tears, and how she told me that she feels blessed being in my family's lives. How I had actually helped her see things in another light, something that gave her more strength to understand her daughters and what they may be going through. I saw how someone new in my life had come to love me so much.

I look back at this past year and see the worst and best year I have ever lived. I feel I've gone through this tremendous transition, in reality not in a long period of time, but has felt like it was never going to end. It is unbelievable how much fear can literally traumatize you, almost into a state of shock, always on high alert. Feeling no way out. My heart breaks when I read/see people's struggles still with binging, purging, restricting. I'm torn in a sense of wanting to cry because I can feel their pain as if it was my own, and at the same time can't believe I ever had felt and done those things. Relating to their struggles I find it sobering to know I have worked my way out of that misery, but can still look back and not deny nor dismiss what I went though. At the same time I just want to hand them over all the right tools to lift them out of that torture and fear. It feels unfair that I have come this far in recovery and that I can't magically give recovery to others. Because I know with Ed's, the person needs to choose recovery. Choosing recovery means choosing uncertainty. And that is just as scary and traumatizing as living with the Ed as well, except in recovery those feelings do pass. They really do.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Happy 22nd Sarah!


Wow, I'm in amazement that I turn 22 today. I know that obviously I am getting older, but it feels like yesterday I was just 17. Guess it's still good I feel young right?? It feels quite odd to say I'm 22...I don't look it or feel it. But I'm celebrating non the less.

Had another good day at work yesterday. Great work atmosphere. I'm the only girl, we have the boss A, who's 25, M who's 27, and I forgot the guys name, but he's gotta be in his late 30's. He is exactly as what M said he would appear-acts exactly as George Costanza, and looks like Newman. No shitting you.

So today we're getting a Christmas tree. We tried a little earlier, but the place we went to down the road said "closed for the season.' Apparently they don't like procrastinators. We're planning on getting one when we're out in Scarborough. We're leaving soon to go to my brunch at Stone Dog Cafe=) Sooo love that place. Around 4 we need to be at my uncles for a Christmas/My Birthday Party. Around 7 I'll leave to my sis E's house, and we're going out clubbing (to the BYOB-Bring your own beer, which you really do.) I'll crash at her place.

The other night, Wednesday, we went out to dinner to a little restaurant. I had HOT WINGS and FRENCH FRIES. Holy shizzle. I didn't die, nor did I feel bad!! I didn't feel I had to go home and punish myself with more amounts of food either. Felt fucking nice I'll tell you what. I've been enjoying myself more than ever. I'm getting less afraid to eat my fear food (I still do no diary/gluten due to my PCOS) and don't eat pork or beef, basically I'm still a health fanatic, but let myself eat things I wouldn't before-corn chips, potatoes, rice, etc. I've expanded beyond my fruits and vegetables!

I hope everyone is doing alright!! I wish everyone a good holiday and pray that we all can make the best of our situation. Love to you all<3

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Overstimulation Can Be Filtered



^I got this sexy beast today^


I'm in this place now in recovery where, there is so much going on, so many new things I'm doing in my life, that *gasp* I can't magically keep automated in depth thought process on. It's mentally impossible. Solution? I answered it, I just don't need to do it. Add to that relaxation so I can process two or three at the time, and one of them might be totally out of my hands ("Are you looking to buy a cell phone plan today?")

Along with this is a bonus, sort of. Being busy and active with so much to do, coming home wanting to be with family, catch up, have me time, and do my needed chores, etc...makes me realize how long it's been since I've been living Yes, really. Bad thing is, I don't pay any attention to food. 

I am going by my senses, and eat when I'm hungry, but it seems I'm just not hungry. BUT I need to eat. If I realize its about time to have lunch, but I'm not hungry, I'll test myself by saying, "Well if you don't eat that for lunch will you feel bad later?" Yup. So I eat. I know the outcome of my actions well enough not to fall down the same hole again (intentionally). I also know physically when I need food when I can't think clearly. I'm in a maintenance mode, and I need to accept that it's okay to be here. I've replaced my Ed voice with a little coach that sticks up for me and cheers. I don't need to "change" physically. Not even to please my cynical mind. Optimism is kicking you out bitch.

I am proud though, that I've been having a pretty hardy breakfast lately. On top of my Banana and Oatmeal w/Blueberries, I also eat 2 over easy eggs, and have coffee with about 4oz of soy milk. That really holds me over well, without feeling stuffed. I do take my time though, at least a half hour to forty five minutes to eat slowly so I don't get that kick in the stomach.

I just need to watch myself at work, and while I'm at home keep myself busy, because those thoughts like to creep in when there are pauses in my activeness. I feel good though about how far I've come. I can say it.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Even Better Than Anticipated!

Yes, I made it through my first day at my new job. And yes, I didn't completely hyperventilate and pass out. It was actually, dare I say, AWESOME. My boss, who's 25 is nice, real, funny, and is super thorough when explaining things. I mean thorough in like step by step-that's how I operate (can we say perfectionism??) He says that's a great quility to have for this job. I told him flat out I'm a perfectionist too, he seemed to be impressed by it. So my being accurate and detail oriented will pay off in a positive way. Asking questions is very important, about anything, he liked how I was assertive in understanding things. On top of that he was impressed with my computer and cell phone knowledge, as well as how I interacted with the customers even though I was only shawdowing him.

And apparently we have telecommunication because at least four different times we said the same thing about whatever we were looking over/talking about. I'll be spending 98% of my time on the computer, with a datebase that is complicated, but its like riding a bike. Once you do it enough you don't really think about it. It feels so good to be around people I have things in common with!

I told on myself tonight, to G that I didn't think I ate enough. I told her what I had all day and she said it definately wasn't enough. So I cooked myself a bit of venison, after I had an orange and a third of my soy protein drink. I'm noticing working there is taking a lot of attention away from me even thinking of eating, I don't know if this is bad? It feels good to not have that urge to obsess over my body and food. Tomorrow is a 10 to 4 shift. I'll make sure I pack lunch and a snack at least. Remembering to eat them will be the real test.

I hope everyone is well. I will get to reading posts tomorrow after work, as it already is 11pm for me. Goodnight!


Monday, December 15, 2008

Categorized Health Status

In 4 hours, you can get a lot of things done. Every thing's done, excluding the decision on my clothes for tomorrow. I wanted to get on the the subject of food and body obsession.

What's to blame for obesity? Lack of knowledge? Availability of cheap ingredients? Social Status? Genetics? Poor Food Choices?



Personally, I believe it's an incredible complex subject, that I would like to look into more. It's a mix of many things, definitely more than I listed. I've seen many posts written about this subject. The biggest thing that sticks out in my mind for obesity and any other body "illness"=MONEY PROFIT. I won't get started on insurance companies. There's no profit from you if you're healthy. It seems obesity is the easiest way to point the finger at what is to blame if you have an illness, or if you don't yet, you will.

If it sounds a bit like a conspiracy theory, than oh well. We overeat for whatever reason, feel guilt, ugly, unwanted. We diet, gain it back, diet, gain it back. A lifelong yo yo. We might take it too far and develope an ED.

We're so quick to make a buck, we'll do whatever to get it. Obesity fuels the diet industry. Yet, there are more obese people than ever (not to mention the huge rise in EDs of all ages). Diets fail, but most still buy into it, believing it's their fault for not living up to an image. I feel there are less and less people that are happy with their bodies as is, and more and more that are unhappy-either for being fat, too this or too that. Go spend money to fix it, even though it won't change how you feel. It's all mentality. My orthorexia eating disorder has a huge hatred for fake, process, cheap nasty packaged foods. I won't eat them. Diet sodas, low fat this, sugar free that. Processed "fake" food are like drugs to me (considering my past and current ED). I can't have it. If you buy these foods, you're buying into the agricultural bullshit. Vote with your dollar people.

It feels like we're put into these categories: Fat, or eating disordered. And we want your money for it.

I'll rant later. If you haven't read In Defense Of Food, by Michael Pollan I highly highly recommend it.

What is your take on obesity, and it being seen as so despicable and taboo? How does your eating disorder feel about the food industry? Does that ever come into your mind?

Decisions

I made a list of things I'd like to complete today, typed it out so I am accountable to do them;)

  • Balance checkbook
  • Set Date to go renew license
  • Put reg. stickers on car
  • Clean/vacuum house
  • Clean Hammy's cage
  • Decide on outfit for tomorrow
  • Clean cat box
  • Laundry

These are in no particular order, and I might add more. My only problem when it comes to tasks, is just starting. Once I start I'm on fire and usually can't stop. I'm going to blame my lack of energy on the couch...

So I have a mini dilemma, and it's what to wear to my first day of work. I didn't realize what the dress code might be there. I'm certain that everyone wears the same shirt, but I have no idea about pants and shoes! If anyone out there has been in a US Cellular, or cellphone provider store, do you remember what they had on?! Haha, I could go into a US Cellular I'm not working at, walk in, check out their getup, and then leave. "How can I help you?" "Oh I just came in to see what you're wearing." THAT wouldn't look weird right?...

If I'm winging it I'll wear some form of tan slacks (I only have sneakers that will go with them! I'm not a heel person) or black dress pants (Which I only have black strap slip on small heels that match) It's freezing and snowy outside as well.  

Or I just might walk in straight up in my jammies.

Just Kidding.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Small Hungover Update

Man, I really can't handle the mornings that come after consuming more than 2 drinks. I feel groggy, nauseous and tired. Well I had more than a good few drinks last night at my sisters. It was an awesome time, karaoke, chinese auction (I got The Dark Knight!), and tons of people. So since this morning I've been feeling extreme queasy, have a headache, making myself eat food, and trying to relax. I rarely drink, so if I do I always feel like crap afterwords. I totally can't function the way I want to the day after I drink.

On another note, I'm excited for my new job. Very nervous as well, because there is a lot to learn. I need to be easy on myself and realize it takes time to learn things, and mistakes are okay because last I knew, I am human. 

I'm feeling pretty sick to my stomach so I'm going to lay down.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

In Sight, In Mind

I always had a plan. A plan that if wrote in one of my journals the list of things I could do if I felt the need to b/p. Problem was, when that feeling came, my mind had no room to even remember that list. Once out of the hospital, I realized this. I needed something more reliable. So, as a in my face type of approach, I posted a sign on the fridge:

*STOP.THINK.CHOOSE*
-Get comfortable, read 30 mins
-Boil water, brew tea
-Cuddle with London (cat)
-Write/type out dialog going on in head
-Take hot bath with candles
-Call family member or friend
-New idea?*

*If I could think of something to do that was a positive stress reliever, that had specific directions, a process.

The other difference between this and my journal list, is it's more direct, giving me specific instructions. My journal list would go more like "read, drink tea, take bath." It wasn't very intriguing. With my sign its bold, outlined and red, and means business. It does make me stop and think about if I were to make that poor choice, how I would feel after, and then one of those things on my list starts to appeal to me. Also, it's on the fridge for all to see, so I'm more accountable of my actions. More reason not to hurt myself.

Nowadays, I don't really have to go to it. I'm naturally doing those things during the day-without a specific trigger, I'm doing them because I feel like it. It took a lot of work to get to this point. At the beginning it was b/p, or lay in bed and not get up. 

Do you have any tools you use that you find helpful?

Friday, December 12, 2008

Mind & Body Conjoin

Slow cooked Oatmeal
1 Banana
5 or so baby carrots (found mold on one, yeah I'm done now)
About 25 pistachios
4 prunes

That's all I ate today? I just thought about it because it's getting close to dinner time and I'm not hungry at all. So I thought about everything I ate today which apparently isn't much. I don't feel that this is bad though, because it was not on purpose what so ever. 

I'm smack in the middle of my "ideal" weight for my frame and height. That's not an excuse. But I know at any weight Eds strike. It's self hatred. Just fix your body and you'll feel better. Oh, okay you got to your goal weight, but now it needs to be lower, you're not quite happy enough. Why can't you do anything right? No one likes me. Just one last binge, then I'm done. I'm okay, nothings wrong with me, don't worry. Nothing I do is ever enough. Tons o'lies.

Ed is a dangerous self trap that is a bitch to climb out of. I could let Ed own what I ate today. "That's great!" or "Tomorrow do it again!" or even "You should be eating less than that, you're FAT!"

But, ed isn't speaking. Nope. I'm bloated. My period is due. I have no hunger for anything, and THAT'S OKAY. My mind is at ease and all I can do is accept that. If I doubt my emotions, I will let Ed sneak in to persue to do harmful things. My body is not being denied anything. I will however, eat some tuna (with onions) in a salad with some fixings. Not hungry, but tuna sounds good now=) Oh and chocolate after...

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Starbucks


Bad ice storm outside. Started early today, and is supposed to last until tomorrow afternoon. Freezing Rain + Snow=not good travel conditions. Don't think it will turn into any kind of 'Ice Storm of 98'. I hope it's not too bad in the morning when I drive home, since I'm at the condo on the ocean versus my house north, in the foothills. I'm imagining we got foothills of freezing snow...
I want my Starbucks...kitty on the side please.

Through the Storm

A few posts back, I commented on how much reading The Christmas Sweater touched me, and gave me quite a few answers I was seeking, or rather a peace of mind. That my life is worth living for. 

"You're on the other side of the storm. This is what awaits you. Not after you die, but once you start to really live."

I feel I'm coming out of the storm, onto the other side. A storm I subconsciously built over time when my ED was full blown (when recovery was far from my mind). I wasn't actually 'in' the storm, the storm I created as my own hell. I had to go through what I created and come out the other side, stronger. That's going through the storm. Recovery. Facing life and living is scary at times, but living in constant anxiety over repetitive constant mind and body abuse, food and body obsession, gives you nothing but. Life offers more. Choices that make you grow, enjoy, and love even. The unknown is a blank page we create and sculpt with our best efforts. And in that recognize your effort, even if you mess up. Mistakes don't make you a bad person, they make you strong. Those mini storms of everyday life teach us something. I see my year and half with my ED as one long step into the storm-recovery. The sun shines better on the other side.

"What most people don't realize is that you don't have to fight the storm, you just have to stop feeding it-stop giving it power over you."

Now, recovery isn't easy, of course. It's unfamiliar, scary, hard to trust. In my case I tended to give any 'new' activity those same thoughts, and therefor it stopped me from growing, experiencing things. My days were on repeat. Predictable, and if not panic would arise. Surrounded by the same dread and agony everyday. I'd rather go through it occasionally, learn from it, and go on, stronger, than constantly sit in a mess I think is making me happy.

"Atonement, it's a chance to fix the unfixable and to start all over again. It begins when you forgive yourself for all you've done wrong and forgive others for all they've done to you. Your mistakes aren't mistakes anymore, they're just things that make you strong. Atonement is the great redeeming and equalizing force that leads to the fulfillment of all things. Everyone you've loved and lost. Atonement, is heaven on earth."

Hard work does pay off. It may feel hard constantly, but eventually it becomes more natural. We all have the ability, all it takes is that first step. Take your power back.I'm finding new power everyday.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Catching Up

I so needed to get on the ball. With my finances. I will say though, I'm not the only person struggling with money these days of course. More in, that I let myself not keep up completely with Checking balances (even though I stopped using my debit card weeks ago...) I apparently didn't record my payment to Progressive car insurance, which sunk my numbers into the negatives. A week and a half went by...figured to look, and oh my! Nice overdraft charges I have. It will be okay though. Just money. It's only money. Thank God I just nailed a job!

My point in this is really seeing just how depressed I was to let myself go in taking care of myself, my personal responsibilities. It's my fault of course, but I had no idea my depression could suck up so much mental energy you forget you're a U.S. citizen that pays bills. 

I finished wrapping gifts for my Dad's Christmas company party. A bottle of Merlot and Starbucks Liquor. Lucky people they will be, unless my Dad wins the high spot in the Chinese auction. I'm impressed I got as much done as I did tonight, because I've been feeling complete vertigo and like I'm going to faint every time I move. I ate a bit for dinner, so it's not food related. I had no appetitite at all, but eating didn't change a thing. All I know is this couch I'm sitting on helps a whole lot=)

Collie Love

The other day I ran across a hilarious post, and showed my Dad. He got a kick out of it.



And this would be our Collie, Nikki. She's the sweetest thing.

She'd never push Timmy down the well.

It's Not That Scary to Hope

I'm spiritual, believe in God, and karma. It is what it is. Since applying to US Cellular and a few other places, I prayed to God that which ever job is right for me at this time, that it will come soon. I left it in God's hands, which is the best I can do in this situation.

So, I was expecting a call from US Cellular by no later than Monday. No call. Okay, I thought, I've been navigating everywhere possible to find employment. I was irritated more than anything. Well last night, phone rang, got a voicemail (Tuesday evening). I checked it, and said they finished interviewing everyone and have decided that they would like me to work for them! SAY WHAT?! I'm more excited than nervous, which -holy shit- has not been a feeling I've felt for too long. I start next Tuesday. *Big Smile*

At Z's last night, we watched Wanted, if you haven't seen it, don't bother. I swear they tried to make the movie suck. It was a bummer. We made it up by watching Family Guy. Until my first day at USC, I've got things fairly planned out. Today I need to grocery shop (I'll go shopping, my ED's can get lost), Tomorrow is Therapy, then over to C's to sit my niece and nephew. I'll stay at the condo that night since it's closer than driving 1hr 15 minutes back home. Friday I believe is open, Saturday my sister is having an ugly Christmas sweater party....it will be a Chinese auction as well, but I guess the person with the ugliest sweater wins something. This should be interesting. 

I'm off to eat the other part of my breakfast, and read up and see how all of you are doing=)

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Oh no You Don't

Wow, what a rocky day thus far. My big fear came half true. I've been worried since recovery that my ed will literally pounce on me. Like I'll be doing fine and dandy, then BAM. I'll drive to the super market, buy the store out (Nature's Place section actually) gorge then purge. Then the cycle will start again. I don't want this. Since I know how out of control I was when my ed was full force, I think it has like this underlying power to just take over me at any given moment for no reason at all.  Scary shit.

So on my drive home, I wanted to stop for a gluten/dairy free chocolate cookie, cause I wanted one. my anorexia said "hell no, you eat one, you'll want one tomorrow, that's too much." Orthorexia says "That's a nice treat, make sure you eat lots of veggies tonight though." and Bulimia says "Hell yes! Buy dairy free ice cream, herbal popcorn and trail mix too!" My God, it's like 3 kids I can't please. I didn't listen to any of them. I held it together, drove straight home. I really wasn't hungry, and didn't really want a cookie. I would have been better off to have called a friend for support, because holding it together usually never works. But it did this time, so I'm proud about that. But I'm scared it's going to happen again. 

At therapy we talked about this fear, and how paralyzed I feel when it comes to food since I have multiple eds, and multiple rules and reasons for each. And the fact I can't sense hunger and satisfaction. We discussed how my 'offending voice' is actually helping me versus trying to 'defend' myself against what the ed wants. If it's dinner time and I'm not hungry at all, I make myself have soup. I petition for the positive reasons I'm doing it:

  • Its been a while since I ate anything
  • Its good for me, nourishing, warm
  • If I don't eat now I might choose to over eat on something later.
  • It's dinner time, Dad and G are having their dinner.

This is focusing on the positives of eating. The main motive for me eating that soup. I realized on the drive home, I really asked myself why I wanted the cookie. It was so I could have an excuse to buy more food than just that one cookie in the store. The bulimia in me jumps right out and holds my hand in stores. So I acknowledge this, thought rationally (not like well just this once, I won't do it again, I won't feel that bad afterwards. Lies lies lies. ACCESS DENIED.


Next post I really want to get into job fears, balancing work & fun, and how you feel about being unemployed (if you are) while in recovery.
I want to add though, if you are into exotic tastes, have a try at these, GT Kombucha, or Synergy. It's fermented tea that has active probiotics, B vitamins, as well as antioxidants and organic acids. This is good in my case, since I do not consume any dairy/dairy products. I've tried them all and I'm found of the Ginger Berry. Right now I'm sipping through Strawberry Serenity. Yum.

Monday, December 8, 2008

OCD

Tis' The Season

I just randomly finished power cleaning the house. It all started with wiping the counter down. Soon I was doing the dishes, vacuuming and organizing. It felt GOOD! I brought some venison steak (deer....yes) from the freezer downstairs and letting it defrost for tonight. I might be going to Z's house and staying the night. The plan for tomorrow is to go to Starbucks and read prior to therapy, eat something, then job hunt more. US Cellular has not gotten back to me yet, but they told me no later than Monday. I'll go and bug them tomorrow if I have to. I also need to make a list of things I want to get(make) friends/family for Christmas this year. I'M BROKE. For real. I've usually always been well supplied in the money department due to a job, or last year when I had won on a scratch ticket ($5000, lasted a little over a year, prob only worked 4 months of that year being employed) 

So this year I need to bring out my creative side, which I lack in. Could make cookies, make jewelery with my limited supply, or make scarfs...but I don't remember how to crochet. 

Do you have any good ideas for home made Holiday gifts? 

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Rules

Like many people that live with Eating Disorders, there are 'rules' or right and wrong, basically black and white thinking. I've decided to write out all my Ed's rules I've ever had, and highlight only the ones that are still active. I won't include other OCD behaviors, because it'd be way too friggin long. (This is personally for me, if this will trigger, please don't read)

  • Weighing myself every morning, always 2 times in a row
  • Having the same breakfast every morning
  • No liquids but water, tea, coffee, and heavily watered down %100 juice. alcohol on occasion
  • Never any foods that include gluten (wheat, rye, barley, etc.), dairy, chicken, beef, or pork, additives, dyes, modified starches, trans fats
  • Mirror checking 20+ times a day (mostly my face)
  • Measuring my hips, waist, and thighs often
  • Food ate has to be low calorie, low fat, low carb and low sugar if not fruit, veggies, fish, seafood, and nuts (raw food mostly) Packaged foods scare me.
  • Gym every other day for 2 hours
  • Constant grabbing/pinching at my areas that I saw as 'fat'
  • Jeans must also be loose feeling to me
  • Writing down everything I ate each day, finding ways to cut it down
  • If I eat something I'm 'not supposed to', I must then go all out, eat even more of it, and more of anything else. After this I must purge. The ultimate punishment.
As I write this list I see how far I have come in my recovery. And half of it isn't relevant to the list-it's how I feel inside now, how I view myself and treat myself. Respecting my body and mind because that's what it deserves and needs to be functioning and happy.

Other than the same breakfast everyday (part OCD), and loose fitting jeans (anxiety inducer or reducer depending), my rules were mostly in what went in my body. In my case of food 'rules', I am now choosing to own them as my decision and not give Ed the benefit of the doubt that he's dictating this decision. It was my initial choice that lead me to my weight loss of 50lbs. (I have PCOS-you can read up on it online. Symptoms include irregular periods, infertility, diabetes, heart disease, fatigue, increased hunger, high weight, high blood pressure, inability to loose weight, etc) These symptoms start around puberty. I'm proud of this accomplishment in that it has made me healthier, as I was on the border line to developing diabetes type 2 at 14 till the age of 18. Living with PCOS is just as bad physically, mentally, and emotionally as the Ed (to me) In that case the way to manage my PCOS is to keep a lean figure to reduce my symptoms (which were extremely emotionally painful at my high weight)**The diet I followed to manage my PCOS was followed by a doctor**

What took it too far was the high I got from loosing weight, and how fast it came off, how much more energy I had, and more over the cravings for 'bad' food were gone. I was addicted to being healthy, and finding new ways to get even healthier, and loose more weight. More weight lost meant more happiness and success. I basically found a reason to not eat almost all food. It's an obsession, and I did not see how deep I was in it until I literally felt no control over my behavior. After restricting more and more I thought more and more about food, all food, and how much I craved it, yet could deny it. My body only put up with this for so long until I fell deeper into more behaviors.

I'm still cautious, fearful of lots of food, abstain from certain food completely (I know from experience they only trigger behavior), read labels, but I eat. I eat when I'm hungry or feel like having some chocolate (it's much easier now to say 'fuck off' to that voice that says no than it was before) Life isn't all about fixing myself anymore with food. I'm perfectly imperfect as I am=)

All is Well

On the ride to and back from Mass yesterday, I was able to finish The Christmas Sweater, by Glenn Beck, which I had just started the night prior. Its 284 pages, but a quick read for the size and text of the novel. I'll just say I cried like a baby at the end, but none the less a happy cry. I definitely found myself relating to the emotions and the inner personal struggle, Eddie, the main character engaged in. This book is based on a true story, but a few names and events were changed, but the core meaning is of the symbolizism of the most important Christmas in his life. Here are a few exerpts that really spoke volumes to me and given me more peace of mind:

"Sometimes the gift we want most is already with us, but we have to get out of our own way to receive it."

"Animals run away from people they don't trust; most times we run away from ourselves."

"You're worth so much more, you just have to take the first step."

"Afraid to go forward...
And unable to go back."

"When you choose the path, you choose the destination."

"It's amazing how bad things can look through the wrong eyes."
"The wrong eyes?"
"Yes, wrong eyes. You're looking at the storm with the same eyes that you created it with."

"Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is believing you're worth the trip."

"You're on the other side of the storm. This is what awaits you. Not after you die, but once you start to really live."

"The real question is, who are you?"
Somehow I understood. Without the storm I couldn't know myself.
"Does everyone have to go through the storm?"
"Yes, sooner or later. But no one has ever been lost to the storm, just lost in it. What most people don't realize is that you don't have to fight the storm, you just have to stop feeding it-stop giving it power over you."

"Atonement, it's a chance to fix the unfixable and to start all over again. It begins when you forgive yourself for all you've done wrong and forgive others for all they've done to you. Your mistakes aren't mistakes anymore, they're just things that make you strong. Atonement is the great redeeming and equalizing force that leads to the fulfillment of all things. Everyone you've loved and lost. Atonement, is heaven on earth."

Glenn Beck shares at the end of the novel, more detail into his personal story, and how he had battled with alcoholism. I'll finish this with the few last words he finished the book with.

*I wonder sometimes how many of us don't face ourselves because we are convinced that we're worthy of only a certain level of happiness. We are limited by our imagination and thoughts of worthiness and joy. We become comfortable in our own misery because it is all we know. Or maybe it's just that we don't look for the "real" us because we're afraid that there isn't any real us to find.

My mom gave me the sweater, but the greatest gift was given to all of us by a loving Father in Heaven. It is the only true gift ever given to all and yet opened or appreciated by so few. It is the gift of redemption and atonement, and it sits on the top shelf, largely untouched, in the closet of our soul.
At Christmas we celebrate the birth of the Christ child, but by doing so, sometimes we miss the real meaning of the season. It is what that infant, boy, and then perfect man did at the end of His ministry that makes the birth so special.
Without His death, the birth is meaningless.
For years, I didn't believe redemption as anything other than a word you hear from a preacher. I didn't think it was real. Even if it was, I didn't think I was worthy. That is a lie.
It is real.
It's not just a word; it is a life-changing force. I am worthy.
You are worthy.
We all are.*

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Date Rolls

This post has nothing to do with with date rolls, except that I'm having a couple right now (covered with organic coconut). I only had breakfast & lunch today, and honestly had no appetite for dinner. I had another Starbucks, after the one I had in the morning. I so am not looking forward to my credit card statement...

I feel bad for having a snack so late (I'll get over it), but I know I need to eat something. I'm walkin around all light headed, but feel no hunger at all. That's one aspect of my friggin eating disorder I can't stand-to not feel hunger and then that 'just right' fullness. Having to do this without thinking about it would be a serious added bonus. Dealing with 3 different eating disorders, there is no other word but confusing to explain it. 

I wanted to post this poem, that was in the hospital on the wall while I was inpatient. A former patient had written it, but did not leave their name.

Body Peace Prayer

Today I pray, to be the best me that I can be.
I won't change the way I look, I'll change the way I see.

Today I'll love my body, no matter what it's state.
I'll choose to practice body love instead of body hate

I will not waste this day today and attempt to fill a hole.
I'll choose instead to see my body as a shell that holds my soul.

There's no more room for self abuse, all of it must cease.
Today I chose to love myself and pray for BODY PEACE.

Waking to the Sunrise

Last night I came down to stay the night with my Dad and G (dad's wonderful girlfriend, my mother figure). We are about to embark on a (about 3 hr) trip to Mass, with 3 of her 5 daughters & family, along with G's mom for a lunch out, and some shopping. I woke up this morning @ the condo, and turned my head to look out beyond the deck at the pink blue sunrise coming through over the ocean. This put a smile on my face for sure.

Yesterday's appointments went really well. Pdoc informed me that my heart rate is not something to get too worried about, but wants me to keep track on a log at times when it's racing while resting, and to count the bpm. She does not think my increased heart rate is due to my meds, which I agree, since I felt this long before being on my meds, but ignored it. I then drove down and stopped at Starbucks for my daily grande soy caffe misto, and read more of She's Come Undone in a nice plush seat. That novel is extremely moving, sad, and comical at the same time. I highly recommend it.

At my psychiatrist appointment we discussed my current mind frame of everything. It put so much more emphasis on my feelings about me Ed. I have more understanding of it not knowing what caused it. What I know is the order in which things occurred, and how my emotions ensued my behavior. Like any addiction though, I believe its a fear of truly living, of taking risk and still believing in yourself. Beating yourself to the punch is easy and predictable, and doesn't let you down. She agreed with me, that in therapy, if spending too much time on trying to find what 'caused' a certain mental illness, it can actually due more harm than good. I believe this because I felt %100 worse when starting therapy, trying to nail what caused this, and why. It brought frustration, confusion and guilt. I know now that the cause was in all aspects me really, as my personality and brain functioning could thrive of the ed behaviors. My mom was a wack job, sure, but she didn't cause it. Her passing her OCD and perfectionism genes probably influenced it. Friends didn't cause it, etc.

Anywho, we're close to leaving so I need to finish getting ready. Have a beautiful day.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Rise & Shine


One thing I've noticed since I've began recovery (and my meds) that recently when I wake up in the morning I don't feel that huge heavy dread about the day ahead, or should I say just getting out of bed. Today, London purred her way around my bed (meaning feed me) and I could only laugh at how cute she was. Jumped in the shower, and here I am.

I just finished the first part of my daily ritual breakfast, a banana, and I'll be cooking my organic steel cut oats, with 1/4 blueberries=) I need to be out the door by 20 after 8 so I can make my first appointment in town to my pdoc

Also this afternoon, I'm expecting a call from US Cellular, to set up an interview for next week. I'm pretty stoked about that. It's only part time, 3 days a week (Fri afternoon, Sat morning, 1 weekday, 21 hours total) which I don't mind because, well frankly, I need a fucking job. That leaves the other days open for me, therapy, and the gym. Eventually full time employment once I become comfortable working again and not having panic attacks. That would be a necessity.

Times a tickin, gotta check the woodstove and make sure my fire building skills took off. 

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Productive Day

Over the past couple of days I've been in a pretty good state of mind. I have finally gotten to my stack of messy papers, consisting of old mail and receipts from my checking book. Cleaned my room fully, and watered my poor Christmas Cactus that has still survived over this year. When I got out of the hospital, I decided to move out of my apartment (which I rented by myself) to come back home where it was more emotionally, mentally, and financially safe while I got back on my feet to feel better and manage my ed symptoms. Thing was, at first, my anti depressants really shook my OCD, which was good and bad. I didn't get so anxious over everything being a certain "way". But, the thoughts of doing them were still going on in my head, yet I would respond with the "I don't really care." This kind of confused me, as I'm only used to functioning and getting through the day with my OCD-type behaviors. So I become lazy. Yeah I didn't like it. So I was added to another drug, to give me that umph I needed to get moving and doing. Now its all working quite nicely, I've still got my neat and organized personality, but don't flip a bitch when something (which in retrospect is quite small & not life threatening) occurs.

I had therapy today, and it went really well. I talked about my views on how my personality type predisposed me to my eating disorder, and how I didn't care to find the reason why it revolves around my body and food. As long as I'm not feeling like crap and crazy, I think I am handling things the best I can. Tomorrow when I see my pdoc, I need to let her now I've been restricting food (really unintentionally at times) and ask what tests I need to do to see that it's not affecting my health at the moment. I am most concerned about my heart. Having low blood pressure and a high resting heart rate don't sit well with me. 

I'm also seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow, and will have to update her on everything as well. She's awesome, and couldn't have gotten a better person than her. This trip also benefits me, in that I can stop in at Starbucks:)

I'm feeling kind of icky tonight, like my head, and kind of my stomach. Its going around, and I've heard its no fun. *crosses fingers*

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Where to begin?

Well I don't even know. I'm a perfectionist, (over)thinker, spiritual, caring, loving, and open person. I also live with Anorexia & Othorexia (with a Bulimic past history), Anxiety, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. All these though, I know do not define my worth. I hate and love the the qualities of me that I see as "negative" or "wrong". Such as my opinions, my knowledge of nutrition (choices/restrictions), my quietness, and quite possible knowing too much for my own brain to handle and sort out for proper use.

I've accepted that I will be living my with ed(s) forever. Yes, forever. My brain is wired this way, just as an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic, cause if something happens that is triggering enough, it will tempt that alcoholic to turn back to their harmful ways. My ed sometimes may be in submission, but it's right their waiting to jump out and be there in situations where I literally feel nothing else will help. 

Overeater and overweight until 18, lost 50lbs, become health obsessed (my ed really took a liking to the time I was in massage therapy school), turned to laxative abuse, then anorexia, and rounded the corner to binging/purging. Right now I am keeping myself sane managing my anorexia and orthorexia. (Being on happy meds might be a factor too) I've been inpatient at a hospital, in therapy since last March when the binging and purging began, and also see a pyschiatrist. 

I'm rational enough to know I've come a long way, and have worked to gained my own real strength to live my life. I have not binged/purged since the hospital last July. Bulimia was no fun trip for me, and my orthorexia sure thought it was horrible (which it is). I do not know what caused my ed to surface, how, when, etc. That is not important to me. It's important that I want to gain skills and healthy control of my own thoughts (making positive actions when I become upset, instead of sinking deeper into how bad I feel something is) 

I've also come to notice just how much of an epidemic weight is in America. I mean underweight, average weight, overweight, obese...If you are any of these you are somehow unhealthy in either a,b,c, or all of the above. With so much promotion for weight loss, it makes achieving underweight critiria acceptable and diserable, when quite frankly it is more of an overall health benefit to be a overweight. Starving brains can't function properly (Backing into my driveway and ending up in the front yard?) The "Obese Epedimic", will ultimately turn younger and younger people to fear fat, and could potientially set off more eating disorders that no diet will ever fix. Why can't the world focus on Love and Happiness?

Sadly, weight and image does matter in this place and time. Why? Because we made it the main attention. I've experienced first hand the mass amount of attention and interest people had in me once I lost almost %40 of my body weight. I don't entirely blame them, because of the extreme influence our culture has on "right" physical standards. They're conditioned. I don't want to be. People now adays probably know more about what celebrities have gained 10lbs than what is going on in Congress. 

I DO NOT in anyway mean for this blog to promote weight loss, change of lifestyle, or to negativly influence anyone. I will talk about these things, because I've expierenced all those and more. If it's triggering, I do not intend it to be. If what I say helps, they YAY:)