Saturday, November 21, 2009

I'm Not Rich

I'm up and feeling pretty good. The place is clean, went grocery shopping last night, and slept well. Yesterday morning was another story. Since we've moved in our agreement was to pay first last and security by November 1st. We've paid first and security by Oct 1st, and last has been a challenge.

Now I'm slapping myself in the head because I wrote out basically my whole post and while scrolling on my laptop somehow highlighted most all of it and when I hit space it deleted it. Then to my bemusement ctrl y did not do its job in redoing it! SHIT! Anyways...

So long story made short, I cried. I cried a lot. Because we were giving one last extension by our landlord to come up with the remaining amount of last months rent, on top of a regular rent. (That would be $1870!) We only owe $340 now, but that's on top of regular rent of $890. We have till January 1st. It will be done. But man calling him up and feeling like a failure and looking bad sucked balls.

Time to drink my Starbucks coffee and get ready for work...

Friday, October 30, 2009

Lazy Day

I don't feel much like myself lately. Adjusting to these medications could be why but I'm going through the motions. Insurance refused to cover Pristiq, and instead said they would cover Cymbalta, which I'm hearing is basically the same thing. With Wellbutrin alone, my anxiety is too elevated, and when I say anxiety I don't mean irrational worrying, it's more of not being able to sit still, extreme leg shaking and I seem to trip over my words which I never do (It feels like my tongue got stuck to the roof of my mouth) Having the antidepressant added brings these down a considerable amount.

Other than that I have no appetite, which I'm not complaining. I'm nauseous sometimes, and get headaches, until I eat something. It's hard to eat when you don't feel hungry. Thankfully I am not experiencing any insomnia as of yet, which makes me very happy. I've lost weight, and Matthew has noticed. I am too afraid to go on the scale. I just want more than anything to be at my normal (healthy) weight that I was even before my ED started. And I want more than anything to have a healthy regulated appetite that doesn't consist of crazy thoughts of extreme eating or restricting. Hmmmm...at least I'm feeling this way now, but it took me going back on medications, which makes me feel loony. More on this later I suppose...

I feel kind of blah right now. Day off, want to clean the apartment, go to the gym. But this big leather coach, and having wireless Internet finally working on my laptop again (after 4 months of not working!) I feel attached to sitting here and browsing the net for a while.

Sigh.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Life's a Marry-go-round

I'm back again. I suck at writing on a consistent basis, but I desperately want to urge to again. So now at this moment I have the urge, probably because of recent happenings.

I've been a miserable mess, and not that I couldn't see it or was denying it, I was only denying myself help. I would try and pray away my pain and horrible thoughts of wishing to die, but everyday still brought the same feelings. Everyday brought a tougher time trying to get out of bed and find a reason to even shower. I've realized my weight gain over the past months has been because of my depression. I relieved the depression the only way I knew how (well the only thing that would actually work temporarily) by eating. Nothing else worked. Forcing myself to read books, spending time with friends and family, etc). Even when doing things I used to enjoy I could not shake the miserable dread I felt all through my body, and the uncontrollable urge to eat. I was hating myself more and more everyday. My OCD was coming back in attempt to alive the anxiety, which only aggravated it more.

I was so sick of myself and how I felt, but had no desire or will to do anything about it. Writing that sentence makes me wanna cry, the pure frustration from this made me feel so helpless.

My boyfriend become so concerned about me, he went to my Dad and Gail, and shortly I received a call from Gail asking how I was. And of course I broke down. I called the doctor and made an appointment to get me back on medications. If I hadn't gotten that push I don't know where I'd be right now.

Thankfully since I've had a psychiatrist before, I know which mix of meds I need. At the time I can't go back to her since my insurance does not cover her services. I asked to be back on the Wellbutrin XL 150mg, and Pristiq 50mg. I was not ready for what my doctor informed me though.

Wellbutrin is covered on my insurance, but Pristiq isn't. And problem is there is no generic of it, which would be covered for me. Pristiq is $141 A MONTH. I started crying, and my doctor sent in a PA to try and get it covered. They denied. So now I have to wait until my Doctor gets back on the 23rd so she can personally call them, and hopefully they will. The only reason I got it free before is because my psychiatrist had weekly samples of it, and just gave me 4 at a time since she knew I wasn't covered.

Wellbutrin gets in your system fairly quickly, so I'm feeling relief already, and THANK GOD. The big difference is I'm feeling energy and desire to do stuff again. My doctor assured me not to feel bad that I had to come back to medications, and that going off them before might have been just to soon. (Cause soon as you feel happy are fine, you think its time to get off them...which in my case was not a good idea).

I also want to find a therapist. I would go to my old one, but honestly I just feel she was not hitting issues I needed to work on. In better terms I didn't feel she was aggressive enough in questions, and didn't offer exercises, and was not focusing on my ED like I wanted. I mostly talked and half the time I didn't know what to talk about. I guess I'm saying I need more guidance in my recovery. I'm going to contact the hospital I went to, and ask which therapists they know around that will take the insurance I have.

I feel victorious and at the same time a failure, that I'm back to where I was last year before I went to the hospital. This shit sucks.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Busy Month

This month will for sure be a busy one, and I hope and pray to God I can handle it without resorting to mindless eating. If it's not one thing it's another when it comes to my ED. I've experienced/had every ED there is, and currently I'm working on staying out of the over eating spectrum.

I'm obviously not staying in touch with my feelings and emotions when the thought to munch on something yummy pops up when I'm not even hungry. It's painful because it reminds me so much of my childhood, when my mom was not emotionally there for me, and I turned to food to numb whatever was on my mind. And now having gained some weight since Matthew and I have been together makes it that much more uncomfortable and painful. I'm not liking my body and am especially not comfortable having someone show affection and desire towards it. I need to have patience, and focus on activities rather than food, what and when I'm eating. I know when I make my main focus food, my anxiety shoots up, my mind freezes, and I think the only way to ease the stress is to eat.

I need to blog more, and read blogs more. It so helps and I know it. I need to make this important time for me. I am not in therapy anymore. Laying in bed all day on my days off waiting for my anxiety and what I'd blatantly call my pissy-screw-life-I'm-fat mood to just disappear, isn't realistic or productive.

So as of October 1st, me and my love will be in our own place. I'm excited, nervous, anxious, happy, grateful. I need to take things slow and steady, and keep reminding myself it takes time to find and look for places, packing, unpacking, settling in. It will be OK.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Feeling Amess

I need to jump aboard the honesty train, not that I haven't been honest, technically I'm just keeping mum about yucky feelings that nag me during the day. Those one's that bring me down, make me feel weak and useless-so I ignore it to feel strong. Which is only a temporary fix that does more harm them good.

I've gained a substantial amount of weight in comparison to my lowest weight. I'm still in a healthy weight range for my body type and height, but don't like it. All my clothes don't fit right. I subconsciously blame it on the "relationship comfort" but that's not at all fair to Matthew (I'll be using full names now, I'm a-o-k with it). I can continue in a sense, blaming him for why I'm up X amount of pounds, but that doesn't help or fix my issues with my weight. I've gone into this irrational fear I will never loose this weight, and that I'll gain more, and tragically I'll end up back where I was 3 years ago-nearly obese. So I worry, with my mental scare tactics, and panic thinking the solution is to just break up with Matthew and that will make it better. He knows all about this, and made a good point I couldn't see. He isn't my eating disorder. I cannot take it out on him. I will not take it out on him. He notices I use punishment type methods to loose weight, which is what I'm used to. That makes me a pretty miserable type of person if you are around me. No fun and games, no smiling, all seriousness. Matthew sees this as crazy and its frustrating at times cause I want to be hard on myself, and of course he doesn't want me to feel that way. He like anyone else doesn't want to be around a mopey person.

I've got to work hard. Work hard on keeping healthy, working out, being happy, positive, reach out. I need to know this will be the key to loosing my pounds I gained. These are the reasons I lost weight in the first place (before ED reared it's ugly head). Because honestly looking back I put on the pounds because deep down I didn't feel I deserved everything I had, and I used eating to ease boredom, doubt, and confusion. This time ED is going to be in the back corner trying to get me anytime it can, but God, I have put so much time and effort into working with my ED, that I need to trust I can do it again without falling into that end again (Anorexia).

Thank you Erika, for nominating me as one of the blogs you see as brilliant. You know for sure you are in my top of all time. I'm sorry I've been a lazy ass and have not sent you that book, and I'm going to put it in my calender so it will get done!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Update

Hello! First off, my boyfriend M is doing well. He had surgery on his lung so another collapse is going to be nil. We're moving forward, and by October 1st we will be in our first apartment =)

I'm sorry for never updating (that is to those who even read my blog), and I hope no one got too worried. I don't know why I'm slacking with writing, it could be my busy schedule or that I feel I have nothing to talk about. And if I do it seems my energy is directed toward walking to my bed for some zzz's. Anywho, things are OK, not great, in terms of body-image wise. I'm heavier than I want to be, and I know these pounds are from being 'relationship comfortable.' Anyone been in that boat?

As for M, he wants to get in better shape too. More in terms of strength and cardiovascular, as his weight is low, and he could afford to gain at least 20lbs. We've been doing walks together, and I've taken him on my traditional 4 miler I like to do. We're doing our best to keep each other motivated.

Feel free to keep in touch with me via facebook, if you have one. I'm on there a lot!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Praying to God

I don't know what to think or do at the moment.

My boyfriend M hasn't been feeling well the past couple of days, cold like symptoms, then a sore throat yesterday. He felt much better today, and then suddenly he could barely breathe and his chest hurt. Collectively in the past he has collapsed his lungs (both once), and today at work the ambulance came and got him. He thinks one has collapsed again and I'm on the verge of crying and don't know what do to-and right now I can't do anything since I am at work, and running the store by myself. By the grace of God the store is empty for the time being.

I have a million scenarios running through my mind, thinking its nothing, to that he has a condition that will be there forever. Every time he gets a cold, will it spread to his lungs and send him in an ambulance?

Arggggh, I just want to be at the hospital with him!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Quick Update

I've been so all over the place, in a good sense I suppose, to be committing to blogging lately. Camping, outings, added work hours, and not much sleep, I've kind of put of writing and reading, which I've really missed. It just gets to the end of the day, and the choice comes to either blog or pass out, I've opted for sleeping. I can't blame myself.

Eating wise things are great. I'm staying away from trigger foods, and not isolating myself when upset. I read a very interesting article about food addiction last night, and tomorrow I'll post my thoughts as well as a link to it.

I went out to the ocean today and A and her friend (which is her brothers gf), and she convinced me to wear sunscreen. I have not been keeping up my tan, which I am usually quite dark, in almost a year. I really wanted a tan today, and she said the sunscreen would not stop me from tanning it would only protect me from getting burnt. She was right. I'm soo glad I used it!

I hope and pray everyone is well, and will get across to all your blogs soon. Love to you all!

Friday, July 3, 2009

Crappy

Talk about a rough morning! I woke up super early, around 630am, to go out and start my day. I was going to go to the nearest town, pick out my hair dye, come home dye my hair, pack for M's, get ready for the day. My next stop was out to Starbucks, shopping for things I needed & some food, then nails done, and work at 1pm.

I went to check my account, and, no money! My paycheck was not direct deposited like it should be. I was more than livid. I called my boss, and got the number for his boss to see what was up. I guess on Wednesday he waited too late and couldn't get the payroll deposited on time, so checks would be in at work today. Problem is, I'm completely broke, even my credit card is maxed. So the only place I'm making it to next would be the gas station. M is going to try and deposit my check for me, if the bank lets him. I called him and was balling my eyes out, because on top of all that, my neck feels worse than it did when I got in the car accident a couple years back. I was just sleeping on the couch this morning and woke up to excruciating pain.

He calmed me down and said that we'll find a way, and that the day will get better and he loves me. He said even to leave work once our boss leaves and do what I want. I'm just so bummed, but I'm accepting it. My neck is starting to feel better, I took some meds for it. Shit like that, especially neck pain scares me...

Hope everyone enjoys their fourth, and that you won't be rained on!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Celebrity Morph

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celeb

Just did this, and I thought I'd be able to pick a celebrity to morph into, but it does it by face recognition, and either way, I was going to chose Sarah Michelle Gellar! Too funny!

Still Awake

I'm getting into a probably not so good habit-of staying up real late. I've got work tomorrow 11am to 7pm, and then Friday off, as well as Saturday for 4th of July. M and I are going to go to a friends cabin on the lake for a get together and fireworks, and I'm so excited. We both do work at the same company, and share a lot of the same hours, but outside of work we have not had much together time. Lately its just been short visits, usually involving a couch to lounge on, resting our eyes, or me getting a foot rub from him. Work lately is exhausting, and when you add the fact that 21 out of 30 days of June here have been rain, outside activities have been missed. We still want to get out to do strawberry picking, and we've planned a day at the ocean on one of his vacation days. On a side note, I've been wanting to clean and vacuum my car, but all this rains made it not possible. I'm praying for sun!

This Friday I am going to get my nails filled, they've been on for a month now and have held up awesome. I've also been browsing online at L'oreal for a new hair color. I'm aiming for something lighter, more blondish, while still having some copper brown tones it already has. I need to give $100 to M to put into our joint savings account, which will be going for our new apartment, aiming to be in by the end of October. I'm lost for words on how happy I am with M, and we are so excited to be going to start our lives together in our own home.

When you read this M, I just have to say, I LOVE YOU, with all my heart, and cannot image my life without you being part of it. Thank you so much for being there and your willingness to support me in every way I need, without judgement and loving me nonetheless.

"You're my babe."

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Too Tired for a Title

I feel physically too tired to write, but my mind is craving to. I had a long day, starting with a nice walk outside with my little sidekick S, whom I babysat this morning until we met her Mom H at work in town to drive to her eye appointment. She's got school vacation, and her summer rec was closed, so I watched her and spent the day with them. I saw so many freakin sweet frames that I'm dreaming to get someday. I currently have thin all black frame GUESS eyeglasses, and they had a beautiful GUESS light brown (no rims on side & bottom lens) framed pair, that I was drooling over. I had a moment of "I want, I want, I want!" Soon... :)

We went over to the Mall afterwords and browsed around, S got a build-a-bear (dog). I want one! I'd skip all that dressing it up and stuff...I'd just like a stuffed animal.

I composed a list of 'Important Self Care' (that's written out on paper too) so I can actively keep my arse in check with doing what keeps me in Happy Healthy Sarah Land. There is a place.

  • Reading Daily (books, blogs)
  • Writing on my blog
  • Staying in touch with my emotions, not suppressing them
  • Expressing opinions/emotions/thoughts to trusted people i.e. M
  • ME FIRST
  • Keeping my space clean/organized
  • Finishing tasks/activities I start
  • Budgeting my money
  • Getting outside
  • Visiting family & friends
  • Decreasing TV
  • Remember "I deserve to take care of myself"
  • Stay in the present
  • Doing things I enjoy, new hobbies
  • Healthy exercising
  • Reach out more & ask/tell what I need
  • Connect and express

Ignore our friend K there, he was doing that in everyone's photos, and we were too tipsy to notice until the next day...=P
Favorite wine EVER. Made right in a town next to mine.
J and I, on our day out!
S, not 3 anymore, on her two wheeler.
Scenery
Us
Nephew & I, his mouth is full of food!

So I'd say summer is, besides the rain, going great. When the sun decides to come out, I will scream hallelujah and escape for a day to the ocean...in one of the three new bikinis...

Monday, June 29, 2009

Recover Me

"What does the week you were born say about you?" with the result The Cusp of Prophecy – Sagittarius/Capricorn Cusp December 19-25.

You are an unusual individual, you may want to have fun, but are too serious to do so. You have highly developed faculties of intuition and sensation. You have mastered the art of silence and do not need speech to get your point across. You leave little doubt to how you are feeling. You do not expect to be liked by other people although you often are. You are independent and do not need the approval of others and that gives you a power and freedom that others lack. You only let a select few into your circle. You have a deep, passionate nature and highly sexual orientation that bind others to you magnetically. You have a great need to be alone. Strengths: Psychic – Inscrutable – Intense. Weaknesses: Frustrated – Antisocial – Oppressive .

Whether or not I got this off doing a Facebook application (cough) it is extremely accurate, although it is a only a spectrum of information.

This morning I got up extra early so I could drive 30 mins further away from work to get myself a Starbucks. I felt I deserved it, as lately I haven't been doing nice things for myself. I repainted my nails last night. Lit candles. The little things.

I knew in recovery that I am the one to hold myself accountable, and didn't think I could rely on others to hold me accountable as well. That's only true if you don't ask them to. Now my bf M is more than willing to hold me accountable, and I've already come up with what I need him to say/do on a daily basis to keep me on the recovery train (only phrase I could think of, queer I know)

A little while back I received an email from Shannon Cutts, author of Beating ANA, and was sent a copy of her book for reviewing, and will be working with her and many others (bloggers) on sharing information about outreach programs and more recovery tools, as well as her Mentor Connect Program. I've already started her book, and I'm coming across tons of tools, that I'm yet to start (writing/cognitive exercises- I have a habit of just reading through the whole book first, then going back to do the exercises). I'm not so good at pausing while reading :). Her book is much more different than many I have read, where its more than just a personal memoir, or a book written by a psychotherapist about prevention, or a workbook with no metaphoric basis. It exposes the ED in the flesh, the raw emotions as they surface, and gives reflective steps to connect how the ED manifested and spreads in more than one area of your life, and why its continuous cycle needs more attention than you might anticipate. AKA hard work! It's a beautiful book and I highly recommend it. When I have completed the book and it's exercises I will make arrangements to have an interview with Shannon.

Hope it is not raining where you are! Its been 3 straight weeks here of rain all day EVERYDAY.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

I Need an ED Patrol

I'm feeling much better today. It might have to do with the fact I woke upon 1:30 PM. That surprised me. M came over last night after we had a long talk. He knew I was not okay, after I directed him to 'read me blog' after I couldn't speak of what was up, and he called me right after. I sobbed through our phone conversation, feeling so guilty for the torn feelings on what was happening. I couldn't get out enough saying how horrible it (ED) is, how it feeds on isolation and being kept a secret. I still do not think he understands how hard it is for me to reach out for help. My biggest fear is that after reaching out, I will still be consumed to carry out an ED behavior, and then it will show, once and for all, that hope is lost for me. There's no scale which can measure how pissed this makes me. So I instantly surrender. I can describe it only like a demon is inside me telling me to give up and that I deserve this pain I feel I try so hard to avoid. This is when I feel crazy, so reaching out means letting others see this, and I don't want them to.

M offered everything and anything to help me. I cried when he offered to take me out to buy me all my safe (foods I need to be eating, not binge foods) foods until Friday, to go to the gym with me, to call me a million times a day when needed. I don't want to disappoint him, so I feel I have been protecting him by not telling him how much I've been repeatedly harming myself with going back to exactly what brought me to the hospital.

I won't go back, I won't load back up on medications. I won't go see doctors and repeat all this again. Why? Because I KNOW what I need to do. I have it all. M said this to me, he said I know exactly what I need to do, and how to do it. How I have come this far, have so much to be alive for. This shined the light on my own self pity, my hunger to be isolated, to be ignored. I won't do that anymore.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Sick of it All

I've been M.I.A. for some time, part of me knows I'm in denial that I'm not doing well. I convince myself, let me just slip today, and I'll give it my all starting tomorrow. I'll blog tomorrow, I'll dive into recovery, all the exercises that shine the light on what's keeping me in ED's grip. When I'm thin enough then I'll enjoy life and be happy. To know all this will not bring me forward at all, yet believing it will, well I guess I'm insane then.

So I feel a few confessions I need to come out. I've been abusing laxatives again. I sleep and isolate when feeling triggered to binge. I've put bruises on my body, beating the emotion of feeling like a fat stupid bitch in far enough that maybe I'll finally get it and stop eating so much. I'm not happy, and I have no energy to put into healthy activity. If I'm not sleeping all my mind and body can handle is to constantly think of food, what to eat, if to eat, and then if laxatives need to be used. I'M FUCKING SICK OF THIS. How did I let myself fall back so far? This insidious inconsistency in my mind body and spirit is too much to bare. Part of me feels my recovery is slipping uncontrollably away from me, and part believes this behavior is voluntary to punish the ugly person I always will be.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Role Models

I thought I'd write a post about role models, and also more specifically, models. As women we all have woman we idolize, for their personality, talent, intelligence, and their bodies. With eating disorders and body images issues, sometimes the ones we idolize are not a healthy image for us. Its hard since our society is drenched by the media with over the top skinny models. What might be harder is when we do find a healthy person to look up to, then before our eyes we see them disappear.

For me, I really embrace the Victoria Secret models. Their bodies are that of a real woman, and on the runway you can see the fierceness and pride in their eyes of themselves. They're mothers, activists, and real. They work hard to maintain their stature, as they are required to be all natural, a VS model requires a natural C cup. Now I know not every woman looks like this, or that they are the average, but they are beautiful women that I envy in more ways than just their bodies. My most favorite is Adraina Lima, she is gorgeous!
This morning I hopped on the net and ordered what you see below. Each item isn't necessarily that color, but you get the idea. Being 22, I feel I still dress, somewhat, like a teenager still. I'm mistaken for being 16 constantly, which I suppose isn't horrible but when you're getting the stink eye while drinking a martini its a bit old. Victoria Secret offers classy, sophisticated and simple clothes, and at a comparably good price. I'm soo excited for these to come in!





Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Medications

I've progressed quite well in coming off my medications. As of now I'm only on Wellbutrin and Buspar [helps with anxiety, but mainly increases libido :)] for anxiety, and occasionally xanx when I need it. My daily concoction includes:

Wellbutrin; 150mg
Buspar; 10mg 2x daily
Energy Plus; dietary supplement
Vitamin D; 800 IU daily (New Chapter Bone Strength Take Care-Highly recommend!)
Metamucil Fiber;(Heart & Digestive Health)
Ortho-cept; birth control (regulate menses, helps PCOS as well)
Cayenne fruit; supplement 3 daily (metabolism support)

So long to Prozac and Pristiq. I actually ran out of Pristiq, and since my psychiatrist was giving me samples only (my insurance does not cover it, and there is no generic) I just stopped taking it. I will say I feel much better with what I'm on now, less "meds" and more vitamins and supplements. From the very beginning of recovery I was very much against going on medications. During my stint of ultimate natural living, I refused to even take Tylenol when I had a headache (I was this way for over a year). I was fearful I would get on medications and never be able to come off them, but that fear was worth concurring to feel better, to relieve myself of the traumatic stress I put my body and mind through.

I'm so pooped and not much in the mind set to write, and I'm feeling its probably due to the rainy weather. Hopefully mine and J's girls day out Friday will be sunny and warm!

Monday, June 8, 2009

Pampering

I just finished 24oz of coffee...I'm wired. I ordered a couple things online today at Victoria Secret and I'm super excited. I haven't had a new bathing suit in a couple years...
The top one with the twisted back I got in white, and the one right above is the color I got. I've had a pretty good week, ED wise which is great. I went to a new nail place and got a full set done. This is only the second time in my life I've had my nails professionally done, and I love them. Its nice to pamper yourself once in a while, isn't it??
I had a real deep conversation with M the other night, and talked about the upcoming future plans. I'm so happy and blessed by God to have someone so understanding, caring, and on the same page about life and their dreams as me. We're working together today till 7pm, and the stores not been real busy. I'm eager to go outside, to tan, and just be in the sun altogether. We both have Tuesdays off so the beach is our go spot. Tomorrow we are going to bust out and clean/vacuum our cars. Mine needs it so. And a wash. Well, I'm going to grab a xanx to calm down, my leg is uncontrollably shaking and driving me nuts.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Good Times

I had an ah-maa-zering day yesterday (I claim the rights to that word right there). Today was good too, but I was(am) soo tired. Anyway, at work Wednesday I got 5 phone contract activations! 3 renewals, and 2 new. I only had a 4 hour shift, so I averaged roughly over $32 with commissions included (not including accessories sales, which I sold 2). Being in customer services and sales can be hard, but I honestly love doing it. Today I got another 3, two new and one renewal.

My best friend J and her fiance came in Wednesday, and got plans! I was stoked, since I knew they were getting great plans and prices for everything. They were getting robbed with their prepaid phones. She got the phone I would have gotten if not my blackberry, an LG Rhythm. They're kick ass phones.

I had to drive to work today, in one of my Dad's cars. An 84 Crown Victoria. I'm so poor at the moment and had no gas, so he let me use it. My car was fixed Wednesday morning, and oil was added. I was deathly close to blowing my engine, since I'm about at 200,000 miles my car burns oil easily. Plus I was over my 3,000 miles. My car drove so much better after the ball joints were replaced, it doesn't pull all over the place.

I had a little get together with a few friends. Longtime friends, C, her boyfriend, A, his girlfriend, M, and B. I had a couple glasses of wine and two shots and I was good. It was definitely a time trip, and I'm amazed at where I once was (rebelling, doing crazy things as a teen with these kids) and now how I feel so much like an adult, and it makes me proud :) Corniest statement of the night! Becoming an adult is a slow process in itself, and I find the more I proclaim my mind, choices, and style of life, the stronger I feel as a person.

Monday, June 1, 2009

The Small Things


I've always had a great liking for movies mostly aimed toward younger audiences. This past Friday M and I took his niece to see Disney's Up, and I wasn't expecting much from it, but I got more from watching this movie than I could have imagined. A few scenes I couldn't help but tear a bit, and I'm usually a tough one to crack. There was a unmistakable message from the movie, particularly to adults, that I wasn't sure the young ones would have picked up on right away, or understand the depth. But I suppose greater understanding only comes with age ::wink:: I won't give away any details, so get out there and see it :).

I'm more than super excited to see my second favorite man in the world (second to M) hosting the Tonight Show later! I used to wait up all night to see him on Late Night and I'm more than psyched that he is the new host for the show, he deserves it.

I don't know if its me not taking my meds very regularly, and a couple not at all (prozac seems to have fallen off my regimen) and this morning I forgot to take my wellbutrin. I ran out of pristiq like a week ago, so its really only been one med for a while now. I feel good, and am hoping by winter to be off all meds for good (cept birth control, and vit D of course)

Car is getting fixed tomorrow, 2 lower ball joints, and an alignment, maybe an oil change. I want to vacuum it out, armor all the inside, and get some things done in town. M's going to stop by later and we'll probably take a nice long walk if its nice outside.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Untitled

Next Tuesday will be my 'last' session with L. I of course can call and make appointments if I deem necessary. I went in with no plan on how to bring it up, but I knew I had to be direct and let her know it's really what I want. My initiative for the last time is to bring in a gratitude list, a way of reflecting on what I have accomplished, which will be a challenge since anything I accomplish seems to mentally diminish and vanish quickly, and then it's always onto the next "I need to fix/do this" to be good enough mind set.

I'm pretty blank for writing right now, my mind has a song that won't stop, I'm thinking of how thirsty I am, and how I'm going to fall asleep (fell asleep at 6pm and now its 10pm...). I've had an affliction with sleeping all the time, like a love for it. I'd rather be out, go to the gym, do things, but nah, I'll sleep.

The extra weight I gained from the rough past month is coming off slowly, which means I need to be patient. I've addressed many thoughts and struggles with my bf, which, omg, talking helped! It's like pulling teeth sometimes, "No nothing will help, don't wanna talk about it." Once I just start talking, most of the time my thoughts so mixed up I make no sense, I feel those ED urges go away. He's always so great, and since talking about our needs (mine needing space, him needed more affection from me), we've come to compromises and understandings for our personal needs.

More jabbering tomorrow I suppose!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Frustrated

I'm feeling emotionally drained right now. Oddly enough because I'm usually not very emotional at all, as I particularly keep it within.

Something I feel is trying to be forced, and I can't pinpoint it. I am who I am, and when my feelings or actions are challenged by another, I don't like it. Part of me wants to just give in and fake my emotions, and the other part just wants to be insensitive to others and be alone. Both are a lose-lose situation. All I know is, I don't know how I feel at the moment, and it needs to be accepted.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Its Going to Rain for 3 Days :(


I am so not feelin too good today. This may gross you out, cause it grosses me out too...When I burp, it tastes and smells of rotten eggs or sulfur. I'm lightheaded, have a stomachache (chest kind of hurts too) and I'm afraid to drink even water, because in general I'm a constant belcher, anything I eat/drink makes me burp.

M went out and picked up some Tums for me, I took two, they taste of chalk of course. I get to look forward to cleaning, doing dishes and misc chores when I get home from work...sooo looking forward to that.

As you can see, I did my nails earlier before I came into work. It's been almost 2 years since I've painted my them, while I was in Massage Therapy School we could not paint or grow out our nails. Since then I've been so used to them being short, and unpainted I didn't have any interest in growing them out, and felt uncomfortable with them being long. I've enjoyed them being long recentley, and decided to go and paint them with a bright peach color. Maybe it will make the rain stop?

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

New Decision & Some Photos

I've processed within myself, as well as others about my decision to stop therapy. I thought this was going to be a difficult decision, since I usually find choices hard to make. I'm doing this for me.

After being in therapy for over a year now, and have gone through countless sessions distraught, angry, frustrated, crying, problem solving, it's resulted in where I am today. I've made peace with my childhood and being emotionally neglected. I've forgiven my Mom, and that anger with her is gone. I've come to understand and change my eating behaviors, and my poor body image, and accept that I will struggle with it, more or less, possibly for life. I know I'm accountable in my choices, and that I have a voice and will use it.

I might go back eventually, I might not. I'm thinking along the lines of once a month, or on a on call basis to plan a session. I'm nervous and excited to think about all the things I will be able to do, since therapy was twice a week, an hour and 15 minutes away, and has limited me in my work schedule. And summer is almost here!


So far, we had a surprise birthday party for my sister in law:


Kids were all about the presents...

My wonderful nephew & I




And our 8th Annual Memorial Day Party:


Father & Son

Coolest thing to have in your backyard

Before the sun & hot weather decided to come out!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Recovery Treatment Secrets

The book I'm reading, Purge, is awesome. It brings back memories of when I was in treatment, and all the small things that I had forgotten, or put in the back of my mind. It also really shows just how much I tried to be perfect at recovery, how I suppressed some real issues with myself.

I was able to adjust the meal plan to incorporate no gluten/dairy, which was a relief. Lets just say I got sick of peanut butter real fast since I didn't have milk, yogurt or butter as a choice for fat. I ate everything always in a timely manner at meals and snacks. I didn't try to hide uneaten food, play with my food, or spark an attitude. (This doesn't mean I didn't want to, I almost spoke up when I noticed my cranberry juice had high fructose corn syrup in it, and wanted to switch to the OJ since it did not). I gave up caffeine and alcohol completely as advised. The third day there my head hurt so bad from the caffeine withdrawal I couldn't think straight. I didn't weigh myself at home. (Program ran from 7am to 7pm, and I had a 1 1/2 hour drive to get there, then drive 1 1/2 hours home) I didn't eat outside of program, and I wouldn't have wanted to since I secretly was hoping for my weight to go down. Before entering I started binging without purging, hoping the cravings would go away, and then I could 'start eating perfectly again.' Those cravings obvious wouldn't stop, because they were just stuffed feelings. With me not purging them I was a loose cannon ready to explode.

I thought of the best answers I could come up with to dumb metaphoric questions (what would be 'right' for recovery, please the counselors, not necessarily my own answers) I fantasized about being thinner again, paying close detail to girls there I thought had ideal bodies. I wanted to call bluffs on what the therapists said at times, how they paid way too much attention to media being the conveyor of an eating disorder. I felt urges to correct the dietitian (being obsessed with healthy food you know ingredients of almost everything, and knowing how your body feels eating certain foods), I wanted to roll my eyes at some of the stupid 'therapy' activities we had to do. I felt at times like a kid who couldn't be trusted or taken seriously. I didn't realize until now how much real emotion, especially anger and sadness I held back. I had my eye on the prize, focus on doing everything 'right' in recovery, leave and be all better. That doesn't happen.

Don't get me wrong, it changed my life. It helped, opened my eyes, but the real work on my eating disorder development was not addressed or dealt with, and I don't think it all has been yet. I simply now could not even tell you the flow of events, the switchover from being a healthy, vibrate, outgoing, driven 19 year old to one that was afraid of any failure, food, and becoming fat. I am good at holding emotions at bay, and to the unknown eye look content with life and myself. Letting emotions out feels like a lost cause to me almost. I was so emotional as a child, sensitive, talked back at my mom, and this didn't give me exactly what I wanted: love and attention.

Something is holding me back from moving forward mentally, I don't know quite what it is, and I have a hunch I won't want to ever let it go.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Need Therapy Ideas

It's so effing hot today. 91 last that I knew. And I'm at work till 7pm of course. Afterwards M and I are going to Borders to pick up the book I ordered, Purge. I read good reviews so far. Has anyone read it?

I had therapy today and lately its been very bland, our conversations seem lost in themselves. I've taken notice on when I'm feeling well and in a good space. I'm able to reach out for help when I'm upset, I'm eating well and active. But I feel misplaced being there. I've come to associate going to therapy with still being deep in my problems, time to vent, feel hopeless, and leave with some hope or new drive. Now when I go in I feel pressure to dig into my brain, try to think of something wrong, or something that might go wrong, or even worse turn something into a negative. I've conditioned myself this way, and L sees how hard it is for me to come into therapy naturally beaming and talking about dreams and aspirations, which I'm just not that type to boast about wonderful things so freely, especially when I know its 'therapy' and I feel the obligation to come in to 'fix' or figure out something. What if there's nothing to figure out? How about I just come when I hit rock bottom? I said this to her, laughing, but kinda serious at the same time.

I feel as though when asked, "How does that make you feel?" "What do you think about so and so doing/saying that?" "What made you decide that?" It comes across so vague too me, and whilst in my "therapy mode" I try and probe it, pick it apart and see whats 'wrong' with the situation. As like in Jeopardy, she gives the answer but I don't even friggin know the question. My part in this is to let go of the image that still being in therapy means I'm never going to get better, and I've ask of L to be more assertive, have mental/behavioral exercises, and to let me know what she believes I'm still struggling with and jump on it.

Any good advice, or know of a good sites with therapy exercises that have helped in recovery for you? L is looking in on this as well, and I am too. I know talking is not enough for me now, and my problems and issues are not as obvious and so easy to pinpoint, that they need to come out in other ways (like my blogging!) I float around enough with thoughts in my head all day, and I find no use of it for me doing that in therapy.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

This Might Sound Like Rambling

Had a really great day. I went to the gym for a bit, and I already can feel that excitement I get from working out. A sense of power, physical strength. Like I'm some kind of super hero and everything is great. In reality exercising so helps my all around health, not just physical. Its amazing how much your thoughts and moods can completely change your life. It's not that anything "changed." It became more you chose to see and believe things differently. But perception for me has not been nice %90 of the time.

M and I have been together almost 5 months. He is amazing and I feel blessed for him being part of my life and family. He lets me feel okay about just letting go, experiencing, and being accepting of myself. This Evening we went to H's and her daughter's house and grilled up some venison steak, mixed veggies and had corn on the cob. Tried the new Twisted Tea-Citrus Green and it was much lighter tasting and much better in my opinion. I don't like dark drinks/liquor. Wine is my preference. We came back and played some basketball (I won of course), then went on a nice walk.

As we were walking back to the house, we held hands. The sun is setting, cool but comfortable air. I cleared my head, no thoughts at all. I said "Sometimes its just nice to clear your head and not think about anything. It's pretty nice." I felt so in the moment, and it began to feel like I was 5 years old again, holding the hand of my first crush. That feeling of giddiness you never want to go away. Safe.

I'm being majorly distracted by Law and Order, so I might as well watch it!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Focused

I accomplished so much today, it feels great. I'm fighting off those voices, the ones that say, "Well you're still fat so it wasn't good enough." I need to push forward and move on...

To review:
Went to the gym for 2 hours :)
Cleaned, vacuumed, mopped, dusted whole house
Emptied trash
Did a ton of dishes
2 loads of my laundry
Cleaned litter box
Did my nails
Cleaned out my paperwork/mail

I ate well today too. Breakfast consisted of slow cooked oatmeal w/chopped bananas & cinnamon, 2 scrambled eggs, 2 rice cakes with almond butter. Lunch I made stir fry shrimp with peppers and onions, and dinner I cooked venison, steamed broccoli and beans. I've also had 3 oranges today, and 1 apple after dinner.

Tomorrow all I need to get done is transferring all my direct bill pay accounts to my new checking account number. As well as make an appointment for my car to get a front end alignment.

Keeping busy and focused is helping a lot right now.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Swaying Indecisions

As with a lot of things, I'm indecisive,...do laundry today, or tomorrow? Whites first? Hot or cold? Change the cat litter while I'm downstairs or do that last? The simplest tasks can become essay questions to me that put pressure on me like its the final exam and I didn't study.

Tonight, I took Layla out of her cage (I have two pet rats, btw). I thought it would be nice to give her a snack. I thought, well why not cheese itz? I'm sure rats love those.

Wait, no, those aren't good for you. Refined wheat and additives. I wouldn't eat them.

Wait, what? She's a RAT, she doesn't give a damn, it's food. Why should I decide if she can or cannot eat a friggin cheese it?

My ED transferred onto my pet. I've noticed this before, with my cat, checking the ingredients of her cat food. Checking ingredients of what my family eats. Feeling wrong when giving my nephew chips or a treat he asks for. Feeling disgusted as my boyfriend has a hamburger and fries from McDonald's.

Feeling crazy I have this much thought into not just what I eat, but what others put in their mouths too. Aside from this, my swaying thoughts are more about myself and my acts for recovery. I'm reading this great book that addresses food addiction; 1/3 of my ED. It involves the 12 steps as in AA, and makes complete sense. Abstaining from certain foods, which I already do, but the nail in the head was the "substituting" of trigger foods, like with soy ice cream, gluten free cookies, tortilla chips, etc. Just passing my 'healthy enough test.' Convincing myself these are acceptable, even healthy, is a load of crap. If it's good for me, why not eat a lot, just like eating a bunch of broccoli? I'll convince myself its no big deal. Not because they aren't a good alternative, its because they trigger my food addiction, and my brain knows it. Lots of processed foods contain chemicals, aka "drugs" to food addicts, which trigger a binge, or over eating. Even 'healthy' alternatives, gluten/dairy free products, can trigger a binge. This would be bad for me since I have been tempted to purge even acceptable amounts of these foods. The other part of me is so pissed I've gained weight recently, it wants me to starve. Either way I cannot continue to eat these triggering foods. Especially since I am noticing my eating is from emotions or boredom.

Abstinence is huge for me, and so is finding balance so I do not cut out every food group and become fearful of eating altogether again. I think it is so critical I work on this part of my ED as well, because only focusing on the "not starving myself" part leaves me jumping to the other side-gluttony.

One decision is clear, I'm sick of swaying. I want balance and my body is screaming for it.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Turd-day

Gosh, what an interesting Thursday I had yesterday. Ever had a bad day, not just something happening and it being shitty, but shitty things happening all day long? Let's review...

9:30am; wake up late, alarm did not go off. Rush to get ready for therapy, leave at 10:10am, need to be there at 11:00am, takes 1 hour and 15 minutes to get there. Traffic is slow.

11:20; driving around the Old Port (busy city in Maine), and finding no parking spots, or garages that are open. Concert is going on at the Civic Center. Ugh. Call L and let her know situation, schedule again for Tuesday. BTW, I'm driving on empty, gas light has been on a half hour at least.

12:00pm; find a gas station finally, after taking a short cut which wasn't the one I was trying to get at. Gas station shut down, go to next one mile down the road. Pull in, take a left to go around pumps to get to opposite side. I hit (scraped, I found out, phew) a car when taking the turn to get to the other side. She takes my information, I leave.

3:00pm; at work. Check my bank account online to make sure it matches my checking book. WTF? Overdraft fees, so I'm $-105.

7:30pm; driving home from work. Flat front passenger tire out of nowhere. Cop sees me and turns around, and was nice enough to change the tire.

I went home, vented to my Dad, and had a glass of wine and a hot bath. To wrap it up, I have major money worries. I'm in complete debt above my head. I'll be okay though, I know wasting energy on a bad day isn't worth it.

Hope this post cheered you up if you're feeling blue! If not I hope you got a laugh out of it, cause I can at least laugh at myself. I never thought I'd be able to do that.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Changes

Been a rough couple of weeks. I've addressed in therapy how much anger I'm carrying deep inside me, and how badly I want it out but feels like I can't find a way to express it.

I'm sick of the "I can't" I put in my general view of life. Even worse are the "I should", which trigger the ED monster within me. It's bad enough when things become black and white, but when you want to rebel after choosing, you've lost complete hope in your own sanity. It's time to fucking do what I want. Do I want need to do to regain my mental and physical health, loose the added weight put on by stress. Pamper myself. Say no to others when I want. Blog everyday again, make more new connections.

I know the steps I need to take and so here it goes.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Writer's Block

I'm really considering changing my blog web address. I feel a complete writers block knowing a few people in my life that have access to read this blog.

To anyone that has changed their blog, would I only need to change the web address? I really do not want to change the name if at all possible.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Yum

I've got the most killer hiccups-maybe had too much wine. I'm only half way through my second glass. It's delicious, something I haven't tried. It's white Merlot and very light and fruity.

M came over tonight and watch a movie with me, rubbed my feet, and assured me he understood my mentality. (I had a talk with him about how I felt at a time that I should just break up with him, spare him, isolate myself, just to loose the added weight that's been driving me nuts). He supports me in the loosing weight area, since he knows I've been eating just to look normal in front of him, even when I wasn't the least bit hungry-which triggered me hugely. It's complicated with a mix of anorexia, bulimia, orthorexia, and binge eating. Majorly confused doesn't even cover it when I'm in the midst of a meltdown, or slip, or I should say situation when food and my body have turned into the 'issue' when it's really something else.

Honesty is the best policy.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Better off Alone

It's been a real mind battle lately, between recovery (being carefree with food, weight gain, anxiety about going overboard) and not recovering (isolating, food control, weight loss, rituals). This is a loose-loose situation, just because that's a complete black and white approach.

Since being in a relationship, working, being more 'out there', I've loosened my body/food standards, not on purpose or intentionally, more of a sense of trust in situations and myself. Its all too much a up and down ride because soon enough I'm agonizing over letting myself eat some fries, or eatting dinner after 8pm. This leads to immediate self hate, and either wanting to isolate, or say fuck it and eat junk whenever offered. The affects are showing, I've gained 15lbs since January, and please don't take this literally but, I wanna fucking die.

Where's my motivation, my will, my drive? Oh yeah I want to isolate and be alone so I can loose this weight. I lost all my weight before, in a healthy way, as a full time student and worker, and I was confident with myself. It seems since my ED evolved, it seems loosing/maintaining weight requires drastic actions, including me having a negitive image as an individual to drive me.

If I hate this battle so much, why am I always chasing it?

Monday, April 20, 2009

What's up

A month back or so, my entries became less and less, in frequency and content. I suppose I've been neglecting my reasons for not writing, but told myself I could suck it up and do without. Its more than one reason, and I do not want it to inhibit me from this form of therapy-writing-which has changed my recovery into something more life changing.

Knowing that I have many (family) members with access to this, well, can feel exposing. I have nothing to hide, but feel too much out there. Having my bf M have access, makes it even tougher to appear "okay" all the time, both literally and figuratively. I thought this blog was here so I could be real with myself, others in recovery, and not feel alone in my daily 'life altering' situations.

Having too many real-life-relationship readers, I at times, and apparently as of late, feel threatened and want to invert into myself again. What do I do? Hey Ma, Bro, M, don't read my blog anymore, I'm not trying to hide anything, I just feel more of a need to fake I'm okay knowing that you read it?

I miss this blog and others a great deal, so much that I can't fake I'm well enough without all the support and great people I've been lucky enough to acquire friendships with.

This past couple weeks or so, I've been feeling quite low about myself, in each aspect. Add to that a whole butt load of laziness. Too guilty to keep bitching and moaning, because, well "But Sarah you're so pretty, how can you think that?" When I say fat and ugly, it pertains not only to my exterior, but my interior as well. My surroundings are even fat and ugly. I need to take physical action on my problems, and I can't begin to do so without comprising of the real context of them through expressing myself here.

I want to come back. Saying this brings tears to my eyes.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

April Already!

I figured I would update, since I can't sleep, and because its been ages since I've written a post and I want to let everyone know I am okay=)

Life has been really good, as it should be. I've become extremely close with my bf, spending time with family, focusing on work, and doing my best to treat myself well and continue therapy. The biggest change and thing that has helped my anxiety, is voicing my opinion. When I get that little "urge" to say something, whether its personal or not, I do not ignore it. My sensitivity to my triggers are heightened in the sense that I can confront them ahead of time. 

I miss all of you, reading your blogs, and writing. I hope everyone is well, and that anyone who celebrates Easter or doesn't, I wish you a wonderful day=)

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Recovery

I have been at work almost an hour, and its been dead so far. This month of March I've done poorly with commission and I'm convinced it's because this month of the year is always wacky for me. February I kicked ass-beating the other part timer who's been here 8 months.

Read blogs yesterday, threw out a few comments. I don't mind whether I get a comment back when I comment of course, I enjoy the benefit of of speaking my mind to another persons views, whether relating or otherwise which is often helpful for them and myself. I'm behind on responding to those who have commented on my posts as of late, which I don't know if I'll get to, but I'm working on that. Having an ongoing conversation after the fact, gets my mind working more on recovery. Feedback of any kind helps tremendously.

Not too much action otherwise. I was very humbled yesterday and E spoke her truth about where she has been with recovery. With that I need to admit is that, I had been using the scale (decided today it needs to go) browse websites for thin images, and some isolation and attempts to protect my Ed)

So, thank you E. It's a reminder I not only need to be honest to myself, but to everyone as well to move forward in recovery.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Affirmation This

I'm not one for affirmations, but the one I came up with really helps my anxiety and smacks me back into reality.

Worrying about:
Past=Excuses (regret, analyzing, not forgiving self)
Future=Fear (repeating mistakes, failure, uncertainty)

But, there is only is, and will ever be:
The Present, and what I make of it. If I'm content in my present, dealing with anxieties rationally, taking care of myself, doing things to my best ability, then that's enough. Its enough to just be in the present itself, but yet its so easy to flip back and fourth between the past and future thoughts as if they were the only thing that determines who I am.

Forgiving others is easy, myself, not so much. It's extremely vital I do so in that I can remain present and begin to enjoy myself. Thinking of the future only adds anxiety, and sets me up for disappointment if things do not turn out as expected. This "slump" I went through for the past month, I view as my body rebelling my strict routine and expectations. In my mind I hated this, but my body was screaming "LET ME!" Whether I sat on my butt, watched TV, or ate after 7pm, it's still going to be okay.

The question less asked, and even answered is, "What do you want?" Not tending to my needs, immediate or otherwise, automatically my subconscious gets anxious, something is not right. Whether I just need to voice "Hey I don't like that." Or if I accept to do a favor I don't have time for, I need to at least vocalize this. I have a tendency to keep all thoughts internal, and as with anything that builds up, the space it takes leaves less room for other things that are important to me.

Every days a new day, and that's the way it will always be.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Body Fight

I've been so up and down lately. Feeling okay, great, then completely in anguish about everything (aka my body). Why is my body everything to me? Why does it hold such a power over my life? I can mentally work on knowing its not, but the outside world enforces that our bodies are what speaks loudest.

While reading Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters, I'm observing how my adolescence seemed like a huge punishment, body morphing and developing, moods changing, hormones raging, uncontrollable occurrences happening with no say over it. Not only was my body changing and feeling like a reject of God, flawed in every way, I could find no answer to why and how to handle what was occurring.

Numerous doctor visits, screaming matches with my mom, diagnosis of PCOS, I had some inclination of my bodily functions, but still felt no kind of control over them. Puberty should have been enough, but adding PCOS on top of that fueled my self hatred to the max.

I had two appointments yesterday, with my therapist and psychiatrist. Meds are changing again-my level of anxiety sure feels like depression, since I feel I could crawl in bed and not move again. I'm back on Wellbutrin which gave me energy and motivation to do things, just on 150mg instead of 300mg since that amount aggravated my anxiety more. I'm slowly coming off Prozac while I'm adapting to Pristiq. Pills, pills, pills. I'm so not for them but its relevant I am in need of them in recovery.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters

I'm updating even though I don't really know what I want to talk about. This happens to me in therapy, when I arrive I'm at loss for what I feel about things. Last few days have been okay, the only real upset is my body perception-funny how that one thing can dominate every aspect. More frustrating that I can see this and how impossible it feels to ignore.

I have been reading Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters. In all my Ed reading material I've come across and read, I have never found a better book that I can whole heartily feel connected to, think yes! that's exactly it. Not that it simplifies the disorder, but her writing makes the issue more concrete, and palpable no matter the cause of the Ed. I'm so drawn in by how the author depicts the mentality of generations of women, with the opposing forces between our dreams, beliefs, desires, fears, and our need for unreachable perfection. Anyone that denies this epidemic for a quest in perfection is lying. Whether its about weight, career, relationships, education, appearance, I believe woman today are trying to be the best in all of these-at once. I highly recommend this book to everyone.

I'm pretty beat, so I will end this short. It's been pretty shitty my lack of energy, but I think since Spring is coming soon it will soon change.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Eating Disorder in Me

I'm not quite sure why sometimes I try. Try to explain myself in context to others, craving their complete understanding. When it comes down to it, no one quite knows what it's like being who you are. 

The conversation with M was all over the place. I don't think he, nor my Dad for that matter, really see my Ed as something affecting my life twenty-four seven. He knows its something I will deal with all my life, but seems to think it's just easy to control. How, it's just food, and doesn't understand how I can/can't eat when I do. I tell him some of the ways I act, show/don't show emotion, interact is in twined with my Ed. Growing up with an Ed most of my life, it has defined me. And at times it grips onto me so hard and can convince me I am a walking Eating Disorder. When I'm down, you can guess what I'm upset about. It's a big mess of emotions that presentably look like body and food problems, but in itself I can't get down to the real reason I'm down. This is all I can say while I know it is not my body nor food, but somehow these things are accountable in my miserable state. The indifference of my passing emotions does not feel stable and safe, while food and body are concrete in that objective I can control easily.

Any other addict makes sense to him, drugs for example. Food just seems to...boring? How can someone be addicted to that behavior? It might be like me telling him I'm addicted to a necessity, which I am. It's bizarre but that's what it is. 

Why am I at odds with how he sees my Ed? In limbo (recovery) my Ed behaviors may be at bay, but the emotions underneath I still have no idea to deal with (good and bad), and my Ed wants at every opportunity to strike with each one.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Checking In

I'm here! I've been doing well, last night M and I had a big conversation pertaining my Ed. I will get into it later, but I felt very exposed afterwords like I had shown a part of me better off hidden.

We are about to go out to dinner with M and his parents (who I'm meeting for the first time) I will blog either tonight or tomorrow morning.

Love you all, and hope everyone is well!

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Pride

The last few days have really been a turn around for me. I've come to terms with accepting I am in control of what I eat, in a positive non body-mind-soul abusive sort of way. Eating is a minute part of my life, and there is much more to out there for me. It used to look like this:

If I were feeling...
Anxious: Want to eat. Eat things not good for my condition (in terms of PCOS; ice cream, cookies, candy, chips, anything I knew was not healthy)
Angry: Want to eat.
Sad: Want to eat.
Happy: Want to eat, but would start to feel guilty for wanting food.
Guilty: Want to eat secretively, again junk food.

Basically any emotion would trigger my brain into a cycle of trying to think what I need to eat to feel better, stop that emotion. This was very automatic. I broke this cycle after the hospital, but in recent weeks sometimes it starts up again. I have to really take responsibility, pause, and gather my real thoughts. In the past when restricting, my emotions were so gone I just never wanted to eat. It was easier then. I'm learning to feed my emotions with something other than food. The big benefit of being able to feel and think clearly again is the ability to know that eating will not make it better.

Whenever it came to binges, I'd break my rule of my gluten/dairy free food. I'd say fuck it, if I'm going to eat a lot mine as well make it worth it. And of course I'd not only regret it because of the perceived 10lbs I would instantly gain, but because I knew it was not helping my PCOS. I'm really seeing now just how interconnected my Ed and PCOS are, and how fine a line it is with food. The biggest step for me was accepting it's okay that I don't eat like everyone else, to not feel like I have to eat pizza because everyone else is, or because someone asks me to. Honestly most of the time fear of weight was not the first thing in my mind when it comes to eating food. It's the affects from it. I'm allergic to gluten and intolerant to dairy, I've learned that. Once I was off these foods initially I felt so much better in terms of mind and body. More are sensitive to these two things than people may know.

I need to say though, at first I was proud of my new diet, that I had followed for PCOS. I embraced it, told others, spread the knowledge I was gathering about the affects of certain foods, and about PCOS in general. My final presentation in school was about PCOS. Then slowly over time I became embarrassed, ashamed of how I ate. Getting too many comments on how skinny I was, and how my diet was weird. I broke down when an ex of mine, who I was splitting up with said "The way you eat is fucked up. It's not normal." I started to believe it. I was more attentive to what I ate, always feeling shame with whatever I ate. Before when overweight I felt shame, and now that I was at a healthy weight, I still felt shame over eating. I couldn't win. I did not feel normal anymore. I had fear with whatever I ate, justifying it's ingredients and nutrients, and the amount I ate. I stopped telling people how I lost weight, afraid of judgement. I imploded on myself, switching between overeating, purging, restricting, confused on how to eat at all. Then slowly my Ed evolved and took full force.

I am not an Ed. I am not PCOS. I am not a diet. These do not define me. If my Ed voice can speak such evil volumes about myself and my body, I only look forward to how much power my real voice will speak for who I truly am.

I am proud of my weight loss. I am proud I am over coming an eating disorder now. I'm proud I've gone through this. I'm proud of who I am.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Holding Myself Accountable

To "set in stone" I am bringing fourth a proclamation that will 1; make recovery more straightforward, and 2; will leave no room for excuses cause I made the damn statements.

1. Follow my dietary plan to treat/help my PCOS symptoms. No gluten (found out I'm allergic, I get hives, yay...) No dairy, only low GI Index /processed (for blood sugar). Plenty of veggies, fruits, nuts, and lean animal protein. This is do-able, it's been done, and done with out ED behaviors. I need to respect this just as much as I need to respect my need to nourish myself, because food needs to be there to support and heal my body, not my feelings.

2. Make every attempt possible to not eat alone. To not feel out of place, or guilty if my food is not the same as others at meal times.

3. Always grocery shop with someone (M, Dad, G, etc...) Prepare and stick to needed list before going.

4. Express my emotions even when they are not directly pertained to "food" or my "body" or how I "look." These are only the symptoms of what is bothering me.

Based on my last two appointments, new grasp on my anxiety, and the feelings with myself and family, I see committing to the above crucial in embracing my continued recovery/life with as minimal inflicted pain as possible. These are my top priorities in recovery right now.

P.S. Love myself, be an individual and express myself, cause there will never be another me=)

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Communication Heals

The last couple of weeks have gone by in much like a foggy haze-moments I'd rather forget, some I can't remember straight. 

Therapy, which is one part of my support team, is like a validating kick in the face (which I need often) that I'm okay and it's not my body or the food that is the problem. My psychiatrist L asked me today, as I was anxiously shaking my legs, "What do you think has been bringing on all this anxiety?" I reply with smugly with "I really think its the food." She laughed and I did too, knowing that's the easiest way to look at it but it's not what is causing my emotions to go whack. Part of me really thinks it's the food that causes anxiety-which in my case with PCOS and my gluten/dairy free diet it does affect. I started talking about things, my thoughts on how I feel about the relationship with my Dad, my eagerness to leave the house, and the lack of support I feel in recovery at home. Outside of my therapists I solely rely on myself-and of course up until recently my blog and other bloggers, which I believe has kept me in my recovery. Its extremely vital to me to have the support of everyone going through the same emotions, struggles, and revelations and for some unknown reason I've been slacking on this vital support. My mind believes once I'm doing well, I can skip this and that, miss a day of blogging, etc, and that I'll be able handle things just as well. Well, nope I can't.

As weird as this might be to say I need all of you. I need your support. I need your comments. I need you to continue to write on your blogs. Good or bad days please be there, I need to know that I'm not alone in this isolating disease. I need you all to know how much all of you mean to me in my life, my recovery. 

My medictions were adjusted today, I'm slowly going to come down on my Prozac, and have been prescribed to Pristiq, which is targeted towards the neurotransmitters Prozac doesn't affect in lessening my anxiety. Apparently my anxiety is not in control, which I could see that being possible, since I've been very conditioned to being anxious most of the time, and not wanting to admit anything is wrong. Pristiq is a lot like Wellbutrin, but while on Wellbutrin I was more motivated, my anxiety made me feel manic. I've been off that for a while now and do notice a difference.

The bf's rubbing my feet I must go now=)

Reminder to Self

Will be posting tonight-there is a lot I need to share, and just needed to post this so I will get on my behind to do it and not forget=P

Love to each and everyone one of you who read, or whose blog I read as well=)

Friday, February 27, 2009

Finding my Grip

The last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster of uncertain emotions. Slips. Fall backs. 

I know I will never find the "core" to what started my Ed. I'd be digging in history far too much, as I already seem to do subconsciously on occasion. I'm finding my triggers though, but that's not enough. It's the communication of these that is most important. My relationships in life.

Something is different though. I feel a greater power over my cynical side. It's not washing over me as it usually does. I've simply had enough of it, that I can't continue believing I'm that bad of a person for wanting my life. This hostility is coming to an end, because I finally want it to.

Fear is temporary. Communication will kill the disorder.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Did I Really?

Last night was wonderful-went out to dinner with bf, had a Cajun salmon salad, 3 martinis...we then hung out with friends and came back home. K came over and we all did some wii bowling and rock band

I'm laying in bed. Half awake, I start talking. I ask the bf, Did I pretty much fall asleep on the couch? Yes. Was I in the bathroom on the floor? Yup. Did I throw up? Nope. So I was just like chillin in the bathroom by the toilet? Pretty much, and I brought you into bed to sleep.

Woah. I vaguely remember falling in and out of sleep in the living room while we watched TV. Vaguely remember sitting on the floor over the toilet. I had 3 drinks, plus one more when I got home. This really shows how little I ever drink, or at least how little I ever have more than one drink. 

After this conversation, bf said he did not feel well. He had a salad as well, and one beer. That was it. His head hurt so much he had to throw up, a couple times. I had drove to the store to buy him Advil around 5am. I'm not sure if it's just a really bad migraine, or if he's coming down with something. Either way I feel so bad, it's never fun to be in that kind of agony.

Since last weekend, I've been mentally and physically feeling well. I moved many of my kitchen and bathroom items into the bf's last night. I had gone grocery shopping at Whole Foods, then Hannaford. Over the past couple of months I have come to see that being at home triggers me extremely. I slipped back into bulimia staying there one night. When I'm here my anxiety is calmed, I'm relaxed and can think clear. I honestly do not feel safe being at my house unless my Dad or G is there. Even then I still don't want to be there.


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Excellent little snack-awesome texture, taste, and  it's made by Larabar!

I'm going to get on my ass more about blogging-before during and a little after I was not doing anything blog wise. The affect this blog and others has on me in recovery is invaluable, and I need to remember this to keep me on the right track.


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Still Here

This past weekend was a mess, ED wise. Today I feel much better and I'll leave it at that, instead of trying to figure out how and why it all happened.

I really loathe my over analyzing. Most of the time, and some times it can come in quite handy, and I feel more prepared/aware than others in situations. I've tricked myself into believing if I imagine every possible outcome for each moment, that I'll be less anxious and therefore be able to handle what happens. Thing is, I'm so into thinking what could happen (which I could call premature anxiety, haha) I am not even present in what is actually happening right then. In short, my mind goes blank. It's like I'm trying to end every one's sentence but keep getting it wrong. This does not ease my anxiety at all.

So today I'm keeping my mind shut. Trying not to jump the gun on things. Maybe feel present for long moments. Yes, that would be nice.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Relapse *CAUTION*

God, why was I not strong enough???

The high, the rush. Light headedness, spinning. Acid burning my throat. Heavy, bloodyshot eyes. Tight chest. Hot face.

I did what I never imagined I would do again. I don't know how I am going to explain this, to anyone really. My first thought was, "What is everyone going to think of me? I just won't say anything so no one will pay attention. What will my therapist think? Will she think I haven't been trying?" 

I'm tired of wanting, of needing things. My thoughts and feelings become so overwhelming I feel trapped. Alone.

I ate and puked. Puked, so I will not want to ever eat again. I really believe doing so will "straighten me up" so I will barely ever eat. I know my exact thinking pattern; crave food, think craving food is bad. Feel panicked, worried craving will get out of control. Think about food nonstop. Finally binge to get rid of craving. Purge so I won't want to eat again. Binging and purging is my "Go back to start, and try again at eating perfectly" move.

Will this game against myself ever stop?

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Adolescence

I saw my therapist L on Wednesday, and as usual, uncovered more repressed feelings, and they would be directed to my adolescent years. My consciousness of my body in space made me nervous. I was aware of this at a young age (6 or 7 I believe). As I grew older, changes were happening, I developed early. Period at age 10. Birth control at age 12 (periods were extremely abnormal). And many other things were changing with my body. I did not understand why, or how to stop these changes I didn't understand.


During those years, I had no one to turn to-I never trusted my Mom's opinion, in that I truly thought she was always lying to me, and didn't care. I'd ask, do you think I'm fat? No. Can you help me with my homework? Go ask your father. Can you drive me to a friends in town? No I'm busy. Throughout adolescence I gave up asking my Mother for anything, or help with anything. I came to believe she just did not give a shit, and that I was a huge stress to her, and she made that clear many times to me. I was emotionally alone, felt no connection or trust with my Mother, did not feel important to her.


In my teen years, I became depressed, and would inform my Mom I wanted help with it. It took more than a few screaming matches for her to give in, take responsibility of her child and help me feel better. Our home was a war zone for a good 8 years of my life. I was filled with resent, anger and disappointed in that my Mom was not acting in a motherly loving way I wanted and most importantly needed. I saw other friend's mothers, envying their involvement in their child's life. I felt unwanted, that I had too many needs, and that my feelings did not matter to anyone.


As an adult, I know my mom was sick. She stopped drinking when she was pregnant with me, and is now 23 years sober. I had talked to her shortly ago, and learned that she did not know how to interact with me. She explained I was upset one time, crying. She called her sponsor and asked for help, "What do I do?" they responded, "Give her a hug, comfort her." My mom's reaction was, "Well, how do I do that?" I also cannot recall her playing and interacting with me. If we did things together, it was always what she wanted. Things that didn't interest me. What about what I wanted? Our roles were very reversed to say the least.


With her lack of knowing how to be a nurturing, forgiving, loving mother, I often thought she was just plain stupid at times. She did not understand things, and could not process others' thoughts and accept there may be a different view. Now I understand how she, when having me, had just became sober, and had no idea how to care for a baby. Growing up my Mom's mom was very controlling. Work came first, then the kids. My mom was constantly controlled, belittled, and made to feel a failure. Her father was an alcoholic, who could not keep jobs. My grandmother was the breadwinner. My Mother did not feel important to her mother as well, in that her mother never gave her the attention and care she needed.


Without having proper care, growing from infant to adult, can affect people in all different ways. I became quiet, withdrawn, self conscious and had low self-esteem. This isn't any one's fault. Now, I am able to comprehend what has happened, forgive, and learn to excel. Breaking the traits that you grew up with, developed with, observed all are hard wired in the brain. My mother did not know how a child needs to be treated, was in recovery for alcoholism, and had limited emotional support. By third grade my need for my Mom was replaced by food. Food could help any mood, like a mom would. Help me feel better, happy, at least for the time I'm indulging in gorging my feelings.


I now know that the child inside me, is being neglected, by myself. The way I treat, think, and view myself. Continuing a deserved punishment from my past feelings and actions. Starve, restrict, and if you eat 'wrong' foods there are consequences. This fear is so real to me. It is real, in that I've experienced it. The food I used to eat left me unhealthy, and was extremely addicting. Either eat very limited types of food, or eat everything and go mad. My fear of if I eat 'normally' I will gain all the weight I lost, and people will not care for me anymore, think I'm out of control. Sadly, as I see it now, I became more noticeable after loosing all my weight. I liked this at first, then said, wait, why now? Answer: My body. Why: Now it's acceptable and worth others' time. But WHY? It reinforced the thought that my body was bad, wrong, and unwanted all my adolescence, so much my mother didn't care and couldn't handle me. I changed and started to be the center of attention. I grew strongly to hate this, wanting no one to look at me, notice me, think of me.


It is getting late, and I have much more to say, let out, feel, move past. To anyone that reads this, I will tell you that you are not alone with your struggles. They may be different, but they affect our lives. I want these affects, negative or positive, to give me strength to love myself and others. And feel life is worth living.