Friday, January 30, 2009


Quick post-

I wanted to send out my support and prayers to E, who I hope we all will hear from soon. We all love you, and are thinking of you.

On that I hope everyone is in a good place today-whether it be mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, etc...take some time today to treat yourself to something enjoyable, we deserve this and more everyday but I find that concept often slips our minds on a daily basis.

Give yourself some self love!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Will This Numbness go Away?

Didn't have to go into work today, kinda bummed. Not as bummed as I am about the 18" inches of snow we're getting! Is it Spring yet?

Went to therapy, decided I would risk the drive. Honestly I'm glad I chose to. I had a couple of really intense dreams last night, and we discussed them. I was able to correlate the events with the feelings I'm experiencing (or trying to experience, or avoid). Considering I hadn't had a dream in over 3 weeks, I urgently wrote everything about it down when I woke up. 

I've noticed in my efforts towards acceptance with things (aka the experience of life) is missing a crucial step. Surrendering. You can't accept and still run around doing, thinking, avoiding the same things, expecting different results (insanity anyone?) I need to stop. Smell the roses. Instead, I get near the rose, bend over about to take a whiff, then book it before enjoying that aroma of nature. Sometimes even if I were to smell the rose, I wouldn't believe I'm really smelling it, or I would totally avoid smelling the rose all together. 

Ed doesn't want to surrender. It wants to avoid, avoid, avoid. Not feel. It wants things the same, which means everything else, opportunities, feelings, my life are being held hostage. Deep inside I want to thrive and grow. Ed convinces me I'm better off without those things, because I would fail anyway at trying for that. Failing is not allowed, so do what I am best at-having my Ed.

I WANT to fail. I WANT to feel emotions. I WANT to need. I WANT to learn. I WANT to experience.

Surrender. Accept. Live. Trust. 

That's what I want, and I want to FEEL it, and be okay with life as it is, knowing I can handle it, make decisions and mold my life into how I WANT IT. 

God please.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

My Life Feels Like an Amusement Park

I'm currently at work so this post may be cut short. These last couple of days have been extremely tiresome in that I'm having major tug of wars with my Ed. How can one stay sane when consistently bashing themselves, and then having to defend that bashing? It's a really stupid seesaw and I'm tired of bashing my ass at both ends.

Eating has been really hard. I find myself mindlessly eating, when not hungry. It's not a binge, but I sense no fullness no matter what. If I feel I might eat too much of that one item, I will throw it out.

It's so frustrating how one moment I can be eating 'normally,' not freaking out about the food and its contents, then the next I feel like nothing should go near my mouth. Then there's the panic of not knowing when to stop eating. Is this really what the rest of my life is going to be like?

It will if I continue to have one foot on each side-on my Ed and my Recovery. My biggest fear that pushes me to eat healthily, intuitively, is that dark dark side of my Ed I don't want again; binging and purging. And my favorite part of my Ed, the anorexia side, makes binging and purging so more seductive. Add to this my self esteem and body image I'm on a real roller coaster. I know emotionally I still want my Ed, and I know logically I want to live my life fully.

I'm pressing forward, doing my best to know that I am going in the right direction and its OKAY to feel like CRAP. I just know I do not want my Ed to be a part of the equation of whether I feel good or not. Picking myself back up from feeling low and worthless (last two days) is hard, but it's in the past.

Friday, January 23, 2009


Since I have been busy, and not being on blogger nearly half as much, I realize how crucial it is for me in recovery.

Bad day yesterday. I woke up feeling as I do everyday, neutral. I decided I felt like eggs (I have been having them added to my breakfast for a while, but some days I don't because I get sick of them.) I scrambled 3 eggs, had my banana, a bowl of puffins cereal with soy milk. Half hour later I have two rice cakes with almond butter. Then sure enough not too long after I had 4 more bowls of cereal with soy milk. Then add two more rice cakes with almond butter.

Eating range from 6:30 to 10:30am. Not a binge, I didn't even feel full! I'm glad there was nothing in the house that was a safe food because it would have been gone. Mentally in my head, I know its okay to crave. I wanted a second bowl of cereal, just try to enjoy this bonus. Two more bowls after that, I totally loathed myself while thinking about everything else I just ate. But I had to eat the last two rice cakes to get rid of the almond butter. Before I even ate all this food, options did strike in my head: "Call someone! Throw it out! You don't need to do this, you aren't even hungry." That consciousness was too faded for me to take action to help myself.

The day sucked totally. I did not eat all day. I went to the gym around 8pm, ran a bit, did weights, and obviously felt faint and nauseous the whole time. I tried to hold it together until my bf and I left. I told him what happened, and he listened. We decided to go to Subway, and I'd at least just have a salad, but no dressing.

I don't know what I'm more mad about; the fact I overate in the morning, or the fact I didn't eat all day? Having more than one eating disorder really scrunches everything together and makes choices even that more difficult, plus adding emotions to that, then I just want to scream.

I am having more good days than bad. Ed thoughts are very active, and I am trying my best to not listen. Accepting there are good and bad days is still mind bending for me, trusting in that emotions/negative thoughts do pass; with time, care, and acceptance. It's not that bad. But when it feels bad, and you wanna crawl out of your skin, it's sometimes hard to keep it together.

Today I'm feeling a little better. I still feel this huge urge to isolate myself from everyone. Now that I'm more social with new friends, have my new job, doing fun things, I feel like I can't trust it. Believe that its real, that it's for me, my choices led me here. Yet when I fuck up I'm never late to come and bash myself in any way possible.

I guess in some ways seeing all this and putting the pieces together seems to be helpful. Halfway that is. Because there still isn't an answer to why. And I know there doesn't have to be one, and that's the hardest thing to accept: uncertainty.

I miss all of you so much, and tomorrow and Sunday I am going to make time to visit every one's blogs and see how you are. I not only need to write about my recovery, but I need to read about others to know I'm not alone, and that there is something beyond Ed thats worth fighting for.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009


I'm only working part time, and I already feel I am super busy. Well, I am, considering before recovery. If I was busy then I probably wouldn't have paid much attention to it. I am enjoying work a lot, have a great manager and coworkers. I am doing my best to not be hard on myself for any kind of mistake that happens, because I know that's a way to learn. Is that why I tend to remember my mistakes more than my achievements???? I sure as hell learned a lot from them. I just never claimed my achievements, but now I am.

I am falling in love. Yes, and its amazing. Sharing emotions with each other with genuine care and openness, not in that they will always understand, but in that they take you as you are. Seeing past the superficial thoughts, emotions, fears, and connecting with another soul. Communication, trust, and respect make love flourish. I believe this is true when it comes to loving oneself as well.

Below are some quotes I feel connection with. Each quote can mean something different for everyone. Connecting through words I see have the most impact on our relationships, and our place in this world.

"Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you."
"Don’t keep thinking of what happened yesterday and what is going to happen tomorrow. Live in the moment and every situation will seem like the time of your life."
"Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without."

"People are not lazy. They simply have goals that do not inspire them. Remember to follow you heart. What inspires you?"

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

"The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: decide what you want."

"Happiness for a reason is a form of misery because the reason can be taken away from you at any time. To be happy for no reason is the happiness you want to experience."

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us."
"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."
"The greater danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it."
"The beautiful thing about learning is that nobody can take that away from you."
"It is our choices…that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
"If we don’t take charge of life’s direction, our life will be controlled by the outside to serve the purpose of some other agency."

"I can’t give you a surefire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time."
"Remember that life develops what it demands - the toughest path creates the strongest warrior. Pray not for a lighter load, but for stronger shoulders."

"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one."
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."

"Since everything is a reflection of our minds, everything can be changed by our minds."
"One of the best gifts we can give ourselves is to recognize that we are not our stories, and to becoming aware of when our mind chatter starts telling these stories."

^^I find this last quote extremely powerful. That 'mind chatter' of Eating Disorders IS NOT ME AND IT IS NOT YOU.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Staying True to Oneself

I feel entirely drained, mentally. This isn't a bad thing, except it comes with a headache. I've been progressing in therapy and really getting into the nitty gritty of all my perceptions, wants, needs, dreams, and how I now feel I am going in the direction I want. Not that I wasn't before, it's more like I did not have a clear vision or the guts to do what I want, instead of pleasing others. Its like, oh I can make decisions? Wow I have a lot of options in life. I can make mistakes, and learn from them, grow into a stronger more experienced being? I can take pride in the things I have done, in that I am loving myself, so that I can also love others, to trust myself so I can trust them? That I don't need to change to be accepted?

I see now that I was living so far out of my body with my ED, a mirror showing such an angry worthless person. Pleasing others and not taking care of myself. So lost in life, I felt a loss of all control, and my ED gave me that feeling of control. Not only that, it was a way for me to not appear to people, be looked over so I would be left alone and not disappoint others. Hoping they would not notice me anymore. It was a brick wall between me and the world. And the only way out was to stay with my ED, the predictable, harmful, repetitive rituals day in and day out. Yes, I believed the smaller I was, that it would be better for everyone. I wanted to be forgotten, because I felt there was nothing about me that was worth remembering.

I am worth remembering, worth being loved. whether at times I will have to dig down deep and know I'm worth a beautiful life, one I can enjoy. Love myself, my imperfections. I would not love someone unless they are true to themselves, so I find it important to be true to myself. Take me as I am. Because I have to also take myself as I am. I wouldn't want someone to change themselves for me, and I'm learning that I do not need to change for others. Whether it be physical, moral, spiritual, emotional, I can't deny my true self for people. Doing this does not protect me from squat. It only denies my full potential of happiness, and limits my ability to make choices for myself.

That's why I love blogging, and reading others blogs. Its real, its people being real. Real with others and most importantly, with themselves. I have taken so much from this experience thus far, in that I can incorporate my feeling and thoughts with confidence out in this world. Life is too short to keep wanting something else. Acceptance of yourself is important, and if others accept you for who you are, then you will be okay. Really. The one's that don't accept you probably do not accept themselves. Once you accept yourself, anything is possible.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

What else is Holding me Back?

Well, jeez its been a long time. Since I've last posted a lot has happened, probably more than I could cover. I am okay. I'm actually really great. I am now in a serious relationship with M, and it's amazing. Everything about us syncs together. We aren't exactly alike, but its this kind of bliss that is so real, I wouldn't even doubt it. He deserves a girl like me, and I deserve a guy like him. Okay I'm done with the mushy stuff (for now).

In therapy with L, I'm getting into what feels like a huge stepping point in recovery. It was one I didn't see. My separation from my Dad as an adult, the pull between me wanting to leave, and him wanting me to stay. Helping me hugely when I am really down or stuck. Yet when I am doing well (like now, things are great), and when I ask for any kind of support, he seems resistant in doing so. I am working on a way to separate myself to be my own human being. It got to the point where I felt I couldn't make any kind of decision without asking my Dad. I really need to know his perspective, so we are figuring out a time when he can be in session with me.

Another realization, is that how much anger drove me to do things in the past. And especially with my ED. The more angry I was the more 'control' I felt. It was my wall to the world. Before my ED, anger drove me to work a lot, go to school full time, do my thing. Around 17, 18, 19 I basically fed off my anger towards my parents to do things, to possible prove myself that I was worthy of attention and love. We were all hostile towards each other. I felt the need to be out of the house. Now at home with Dad and G, its a completely different environment and a house filled with love, and I'm enjoying it. I went through a lot of shit the last two years, but I have learned and grown from it, found myself, and better yet I am loving me for me and standing behind my beliefs and values. I do want to eventually transition out, and I don't want anger to be my motivator.

M is playing me a song on the guitar, so I'm going to watch him=)

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Still Alive

Quick post. I'm currently at work, and just wanted to say I miss everyone!!

I've been super busy with work, financial stuff (yay...), spending time with M, and if I'm lucky, I'm catching up on sleep. I miss reading every ones' blogs, and writing on my own as well. I'm starting to get used to my new schedule of things and will make a time for blogging. This blog, and all of you are very important to me. This support is unlike anything else, and I couldn't explain just how much it means to me.

Love you all! (posting tonight hopefully, details included)

Update: I'm so frickin tired I don't think I could write straight, plus I have sooo much to say. Tomorrow I'm out at 1pm thankfully! Changed my two weekly therapy sessions to Monday and Wednesday, which will balance my week out better=)

Stay strong!

Friday, January 9, 2009

Anxiety, OCD, Goals

Anxieties that bring out my OCD

Being Looked at
Anxiety: In public mostly, just in general any eyes that meet mine my brain freezes and thinks "are they judging what I look like?" I have come to see that I think this, because I look at every body I see and compare it to mine. I somehow think entire population does this.
OCD:Where's a mirror? Is there one in the store I can check, am I walking funny? Is my hair messed up? Its like I need that mirror to reassure I'm actually there. I need a mirror! Quick gotta find one. I need to check, make sure my face hasn't combusted. And that I look presentable. Go figure. Brings a whole knew meaning to thinking only the self absorbed stare at themselves in mirrors.
Goal: Smile. Then I know there's at least a reason why they are looking. JK! I need to let go of thinking that eyes are not always prying on me and judging.

Anxiety: Feeling that I'm never doing enough, and its never good enough. Whether what I accomplish academically, personally, mentally, socially, emotionally, spiritually, It never feels good enough. It is difficult for me to reflect on my past and see how much I have really accomplished. I often compare others' accomplishments to mine, in that I think I did squat and am a failure. I think I'm Invisible Super Woman thus far.
OCD: Mind will race, I bash myself, feel ashamed, think about my failures and rub them in my face.Ed joins in too. Cause, ya know, loosing weight is the next PhD...
Goal: Unconsciously living my day. Not putting a lot of thought into such basic activities that I somehow can find a way to get anxious over. Being able to look back and be content with my day and how I spent it.

Social Life

Anxiety: People. Okay this is vague and complex. Its mostly how they perceive me. Part of me doesn't give a damn, and the other just wants to friggin know all your thoughts so I can live up to your expectations. I sway between these often being blunt or not expressing how I really feel.
OCD: So many, depending on my mood. I twirl my hair (left handed, have since I was 2), I've started a bad one of picking at my head. I'll also tweeze my eyebrows, trying to get every minuscule hair (always starting with my left eyebrow). I wash my hands before and after using the bathroom, even at home. I brush my teeth, always spitting twice. I shower in specific order.Depending on my anxiety many things could arise. These behaviors can sometimes annoy me and I feel in this invisible box with no other ways, (cause to me there are no other options)and my anxiety heightens even more.
Goal: Work on giving myself more choices. Thinking outside the box (Ha ha no pun intended).Knowing that my choices influence my life, but as long as I'm doing what's best for me, it's never going to be "wrong."


Anxiety: The future. Ah, yes. I have actually worked quite hard on this issue. I will be straight out and say if I were not on medication it would have not been possible. I need constant stability, scheduling, and predictability. Being unsure over things is not comfortable, unless I know ahead of time it's something good (presents are nice.)
OCD: There's not much of one now. I dive head first into things. My Ed was the King of all choices, inside and outside of body, rules, regulations, restrictions. I can handle unpredictability now. I see it as a huge opening into possibilities that I can CHOOSE when the TIME is right for ME. I can ask for help, I can say jeez I hate asking for help, but I ask. Not knowing when I'll have my own house, husband, if I go back to school etc. does not phase me now (It's all in God's hands). I still dream and care, but accept things will turn out as time goes. Planning all the time takes away living. Literally. Because as if I get where I want to 'be' I'll already be way ahead thinking of where I want to be instead. Acceptance! In limiting my imagination to my future I see everything in black and white. Either this way or that way. Only. That's how I felt it was going to be. I felt less anxiety in the since that it felt predictable, but miserable because, well, its frankly depressing.
Goal: Do, choose, try, learn, love, & make mistakes. I can see mistakes as a guiding point into the direction I ultimately want; to feel at peace internally (and externally.) This needs to always be in constant motion. Its all in perception baby.

I am not Invisible Anti-Social Can't Make Mistakes Super Woman anymore.

I Plan to Not Plan.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Pulling Through

Okay, lets see if I can wrap my head around the last two days events.

1. I'm feeling a lot better, being able to focus on the good in my life.
2. Slept through the WHOLE night last night, plus a 2 hour nap before work this afternoon
3. Told Z I didn't want the kind of relationship we were having. I'm done pleasing others.
4. Got asked out on a date with M for Saturday =)X100 I'm going to hang out with him tomorrow night as well.
5. In reference to number 2, I saw my psychiatrist and things went well. My anxiety and stress is identical as to what I was feeling before I went on meds, so I was upped to 80mg on Prozac. She also prescribed me Xanax, 0.25, which I took two before bed. I only think I need 1 because I was still sleepy in the morning. I can only really take it at night as it does make me so tired, unless I'm really strung and freaking out.

Other than that I'm doing my best to not get worked up on pointless things. My mind can easily focus on a minute thing and expand it, enlarge it, and it becomes too intense. Its really a habit I need to break, and by this I need to have more options when it comes to choices. I'm usually thinking in black or white (When not recovered, it was either eat everything in sight, or not eat at all.) I seem to give myself only two choices when it comes to everything. I can't see all my possible options. My brain is trained for the immediate-bad or good, yes or no, left or right. No maybes, or perhaps, or if I feel like its. This is something I need to work on to go further with recovery.

I'm going to, hopefully, on Friday, post out all my "anxieties" and list 5 possible choices for each. Not that I will choose one immediately, but to know that they are there and I have TIME to deal with them. The more I force myself to make a quick only-two option choice, that is when it intensifies. I don't want to make the wrong choice. But there is no 'wrong choice.' Its MY CHOICE. I forget a lot that I actually run my life and can decide what to do with it and how to live. My mind and body are very disconnected and I need to work on this.

A huge point I came to in therapy with L yesterday was that when I'm straight out not comfortable in my body, everything becomes a trigger for my anxiety, and in that I use my Ed to fix it, or deal, which in every case makes it worse. (Almost as there is a black and white choice for things, and if I can't make up my mind I choose my Ed.) I feel I need to fix what is wrong on the outside before I can deal with anything else effectively.

I also fear new activities/things, as if I were to do them it would need to be a consistent act in my schedule, and if I were to not do it everyday, then I'm a total mess. (Like my repeating breakfast). This really reeves my OCD which my Ed feeds on hardcore. Then there's me, Sarah in the corner, going "Both of you shut the fuck up and let me live!!!!"

Today was a positive day. I am bummed I do not have time to read blogs lately, but I hope everyone is doing well and staying strong. I care deeply for you all, whether I read your blog or you read mine. Keep on living, cause when you do, you're winning.


Monday, January 5, 2009

Insomnia SUCKS

I'm feeling quite insane now. No amount of advil and sleep is aliviating this headache. Adding the insomnia to it, I feel like crying in frustration (which I already have).

I'm looking forward to my appointment tomorrow with my psychiatrist L. Today it felt like one big panic attack. Everything I could think that might be wrong, I imagined it so, and got stuck in those thoughts. It's so hard to dig yourself out of these emotions, yet I want to so bad, so why can't I? I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way. I'm so fucking sick of worrying, being afraid, and always limiting my ability of thinking to try new things. This is insanity.

I can't even focus to read over things I want to, that are a guide to me for work. I'm dragging myself once again to do laundry. I just want to lay my head down. This would be okay if I could lay my head down for the appropriate time! (7 hours straight preferably)

I want to know exactly why I feel this way all the time. Why am I like this? What's wrong with me? I want to figure it out! I can't fake it, yet I don't want to walk around a scrooge. How do I handle having "egh" moods? Why are these "egh" moods so scary and threatening? It seems the more I fight them, the worse I feel.

I think too fucking much. Don't mind this post...

Sunday, January 4, 2009


**This post could be very triggering in that it's very raw and emotional**

I've been wanting to post about this for a while, and really feel like I need to get it out. I have not told a soul about these feelings, I think, because I'm trying to deny them because it feels so awful.

Last post I talked about my fear of my bulimia. When I started throwing up, it was only after binging (reward for being at my lowest weight), other than that I ate very little. But I, like a lot of people do, gained weight from this over time, not lost. I was to say the least pissed, in that I discovered this new addiction I liked and despised at the same time, but it made me maintain/gain weight. It made that option to binge even more tempting, my body craved it. I had been severely restricting before purging so my body was wanting to gorge on mass amounts, even when I wasn't the least bit hungry. I was 'filling' something inside of me that I didn't know how to, which scared the ever living shit out of me. I felt insane. 

When restricting, I was to say extremely bitter, numb and angry. But food was in my 'control.' The first time I binged, I had not planned to purge, as all my life I've had a phobia of throwing up. I ate so much, but could not finish all I had bought. This pissed me off. I got so full it hurt to breath, my heart was racing uncontrollably and I started to panic. I was crying, and I knew laxatives wouldn't get it all out soon enough. So desperate, I tried so hard to gag and throw up, it worked. I had an extreme rush, an "
Omg I just did that." with a sick satisfaction. Two minutes later I was bawling again and then thought "Omg I did THAT! SHIT! I'm out of control." I immediately thought okay, I won't do it again. I felt so ashamed. I knew how bad bulimia is, in that I had a friend in High School who fell into it, loosing 40lbs, and now is around 95lbs today. She though, can vomit with just bending over and letting it fall out (she initially purged everything she ate.) I'm actually very blessed it did not come that easy to me. God I really am. So strange in that while in school, I was her only friend, felt extremely bad for her, and thought how sad it was, and how sickly she appeared. Bruises up and down her legs, chest bone out further than her boobs. I wanted to save her. I developed my Ed 3 years later. She knows about it. She wants to end but is addicted, and I'm sure scared as hell to be without it.

Time went on and I was binging and purging more often. I would cancel massage clients to leave and binge. After purging I would need to sleep for at least 8 hours. My head was a fuzz. Always the same thoughts, "That is the last time, I swear." So every time after that I felt even more a failure in going back to it, because I could not keep that promise to myself. I felt more than terrible, weak, and despicable. I felt I was wearing a sign that said 'I throw up my food.'

My huge shame is that, once my Ed paralyzed me so much, that I was in bed crying at my apartment, calling my dad, telling him that I did not know what to do anymore, didn't know how to live. He came over and I told him I needed to go to the hospital, I think. Am I really that bad? I need to suck it up. No I'm going to kill myself if I don't do this. I am so embarrassed to say, if the bulimia had been making me loose weight, I really don't think I would have broke down and sent myself to the hospital...the bulimia made me feel out of control and hopeless. Anorexia felt powerful, yet I was lonely, miserable and angry. But I was 'skinny.' Felt skinny, wanted to get more skinny. Bulimia went against this, and I knew going into in patient would stabilize my weight. How sad is that? Going to the hospital so you don't GAIN any more weight?!!?

The hospital was the best thing for me, in that it did regulate my eating. Let me focus on my emotional state, got me closer to my family, gave me hope. I got my life back.

I know what set my mind to binging the other day. I couple days back I was curious to weigh myself, and did not expect such a low number to appear. It felt good. Thing is, prior to recovery if I weighed myself and was at an 'okay' number, it was like permission for me to binge/purge. Almost like "Well don't get too skinny! You can afford it this one time, it will be fun." That's how messed Eds are. Anything to get that feeling, even knowing the outcome is horrendous. I really tried my damn hardest to stop the bulimia only once I realized I wasn't loosing weight. Seeing that low number clicked something off in my head. Possibilities. From that, I'm doing my best to carry on, eat, stay away from the scale. That day, unintentionally, I gave the power to the scale to tell me how I felt. It told me, damn nice, better keep eating the way you are, minus some, than you can get even smaller! How exciting is that! You felt great all around before you knew that number, why not loose some more? It couldn't do any harm.

For all to know, I am okay. No restricting/binging/purging. Just these very active thoughts and my shameful (to me) confession. I hadn't felt more selfish in my Ed when I decided to put myself in the hospital. Shameful that if I had stayed skinny and gotten more thin I would have continued on. That I'm entertaining the thought of how great anorexia would feel again.

Woody Interview

If you are looking for a good laugh, watch video above!

I will edit this post later when the second half is loaded.

**This is my uncle, he and my cousin made this a while back. She uncovered it during the Christmas Party and we all lost it laughing. My brother formatted it so now it is on YouTube. Yes my uncle knows its online now! HAHA.**

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Standing in the Middle

I've got to admit I'm in a psychical state I rather can't stand to sit with. My dad made my favorite, hot wings (the only farm animal I will eat that's not free range/organic) It goes way back, in that wings are my dad's specialty and he makes them about twice a year. I had no problem endulging and enjoying, the fact that it's been 4 hours later and I feel that pressure of fullness in my gut still, that I never have after eating. It wasn't even close to a binge. I always due my bes to intuitively eat, so I usually never get uncomfortably full. It's safe. This time I can really feel my stomach is full, not exessive, but enough for me to notice and not like. Enough for my Ed to speak it's deceptable options.

My Ed feels two ways about this;
1. Well just eat more tonight it doesn't matter, you ruined it. Your stomach already feels huge, so while it does, make the most of it. You really should go into the kitchen and dispose of those chocolate chips you like to nibble at time to time. If you don't now, you'll end up gorging the whole bag soon enough. You deserve to feel even worse than you do now. 
2. Suck it up, move on and do something. You are obviously full, so you do not need to eat anything. You have every right to enduldge and enjoy here and there, and it does not have to be in extremes.

So in conclusion to number 1:
I would binge/purge
Feel guilty for days
Later could use it as an excuse to do it again, then cycle starts again.

So I say:
"No I'm not going to do that, I have been able to manage my food/snacks well, for the first time in years. I wanted wings, had them, am obviously satisfied. Why ruin that? I will not create further fears of what those wings could/will/are doing to me. Just because they are not a particularly 'safe' food doesn't mean I need to eat a whole fucking candy shop worth of junk. I see doing would be a way to validate that those wings will make me feel fat and guilty, so why set that feeling in stone, and really go all out? Make sure I really feel bad for enjoying food. It may be control, but it's not. It will set me in a cycle to do it over and over. It's Ed taking over me. Fuck all that."

I choose number 2:
"I'm trying my best to feel good about the fact I ate what I wanted, didn't go overboard, and now, am making that critical choice not to sabatoge my work by going back to my old food habits (EX:I might have ate too much, I'm not sure...better eat more cause I feel shitty already). I'm not hungry or painfully full, and it's okay to be in the middle, to physically feel full. It's only scary because of my past history with eating and food. I'm done giving food power over me. Living a fulfilling life is not about my body's appearance."

I pray that I can rest peacefully, sleep the whole night (woke last night 1am...) Tomorrow I really want to write about my tug of war in my recovery, with more of a fear of my bulimia, and no fear of my anorexia, coming to surface. And the fact of managing my orthorexia, in a rationally healthy way.

Friday, January 2, 2009


Looking back in an objective view I can see how much I can get stuck and sink into negative thinking and thoughts about myself, and my life. To deal, my OCD comes to surface, which actually sinks me in deeper. It's a whole anxiety--->ocd to cope--->fear of mistakes--->anxiety. I'm going in circles, digging and sinking my way deeper in a pit.

Now at times when I'm enjoying myself, I find it hard to believe I got so wrapped up in my emotions about something, how I felt like it was something terminal, horrible, unstoppable. I think this goes back to the vulnerability. My mind goes into overdrive trying to figure out what I did wrong to feel this way. Is my wanting to be happy all the time setting me up for disappointment? I actually don't think so. I believe when it comes down to when I'm not happy about something, I find a way to deal, accept, change it if need be, and move on. Slowly, carefully, and gently walk through the muck and realize I do not need to stand in it, struggle, and sink deeper. This only keeps me there.

Today at work was pretty busy. It felt like a blur when we had the three of us working, and around noon I would say over 7 customers came in at once. Working at a cell phone store, selling plans, phones, managing accounts, customer service. At times you might be with a customer upwards to an hour. I worked an extra 1 1/2 hours, on my decision so the other two wouldn't be so slammed.

And if you are wondering, yes, I woke up in the middle of the night again. 3am, read for a bit, fell back to sleep around 4, then up at 7 to get ready for work. I did call my psychiatrist to let her know what was up, wondering what would be causing this. She believes it would not be my medications, since I have been on them for a while now, and would have already had them. I'm feeling it might be the excitement/anticipation/unpredictability of my life now. Kind of manic, like now I can't slow down or everything will crash. But I keep in mind, I'm okay, it's okay. I can feel emotions, it's not wrong. Though, at these times I feel stuck, and when I'm over the situation, I fear those feelings coming again even more.

I went through old documents, a month or two before I went into the hospital, of exercises I did on my own to "cure" myself of my Ed. Not that it makes them any less significant, because they were. But I was alone, and I could not do it alone. Here is a letter I wrote to my body:

Hey Body,
Its been one big roller coaster with you. I've been stuck with you for 21 years and I’m now realizing how to operate you in the appropriate, self loving, and kind way that I should be. I mess up still sometimes but I’m doing better. I've overfed you, left scars on you, starved you, ignored you, and took way too much damn time obsessing over you, and probably over expose you to the sun at times. I've wanted and tried to give up on you.But you are still here, and never have you given up on me. 

You're there to physically show me what I'm going through, to let me feel my every action I choose to take. I make you not feel good on purpose, and its starting to take a toll on my soul. I’ve not been fair to you, and you deserve better, as we won't be parting from each other for quite some time, its the least you deserve. I’ve begun to heal you, but you are only part of me and fixing this part of me does not change what’s inside. I need to stop abusing you, stop confusing you and stop trying to escape you. I want to love you but some days find it so hard and difficult that I decide to sabotage you and think that it will make it better. I end up weak, shook up, and too tired to move after hurting you. You hate going through it. You know there are better and positive ways to recognize and deal with the pain of the past, present, and future anxieties, then to hurt you just to escape them for a moment. 

You are beautiful and I want you to stay beautiful. Today you are worthy, and from now on you must be. You are strong, faithful, beautiful and alive. I'll carry you with pride and grace and I won't be afraid to look you in the face and say I love you.

Thursday, January 1, 2009


I'm now seeing that a big part of recovery I'm struggling with is the self acceptance, and the ability to give and receive trust from others. Whether intentional or not, I don't completely open up, thus me not being able to accept trust from others. I might not trust my own judgements/feelings about them, so how do I begin to trust them? It's like-I know I'm always honest, believe in karma, and don't ever try to hurt someone or lie. I just can't, it doesn't sit well with me. It feels like I'm paranoid to accept the love and trust from others. If I open up, I'm vulnerable...and when I open up, I tend to cling. I could easily be lied to, and feel stupid, be played a fool, its a fear I have had for a long time. It's hard for me to set boundaries, because I want others to be happy and enjoy being with me. So when there is one upset it puts me in the "They probably always thought this that and the other" or "I bet they were planning that all along." I'll try to fathom up past situations to see where I went wrong by trusting them. I assume the worst. Take it way too personally, and try to blame myself for things, so ultimately it was me that did it. As long as I think it's my fault I don't have to figure out what the real reason might be. Not good.

Now the above mostly pertains to intimate relationships. I do not have a boyfriend, and at times I feel I never ever want one. That would be the most vulnerable state ever for me, what would happen to me? This is a huge fear. Trusting the other sex.

As my second therapist K said, it's easier for me to keep myself down all the time than for me to balance my emotions, the regular ups and downs. If everything is fine and dandy, I feel the need to find something wrong, even the littlest things. This is with life in general. Now these feelings are not so strong , but they are still active in my mind and carried out unintentionally when I'm anxious, and the issue is me being able to recognize it before I put myself in a whirlwind of horrendous ideas. Bad habits die hard. Very contradicting in the fact that I try my hardest to be a perfectionist, yet when things are starting to feel that way I panic, because "it's still not good enough."

Could this explain the insomnia lately? Possibly. I did just start a new job, have been having more happy days than bad, taking one day at a time and being patient with myself. The anxiety is very physical, as I'm shaking my legs more often, feel my heart racing, am dizzy, cannot focus, and for the past three days I've been having tremors in my jaw and shoulders, particularly when I'm trying to fall asleep. I'm used to having my finger twitch at times, but my jaw and shoulders? Ah and the headaches. I will follow Melissa's advice and consult with a doctor.

Ignoring these feelings will do me no good.

New Year!

I'm having a crazy ass headache right now. I'm dizzy, and tired. I spent last night at my brother's and sister in law's house. I went to sleep around 10:30pm, and woke up on my own at 12am! Fell back asleep at 2:30am after reading, woke again at 4am, then 7am. Initially in the morning I will not feel the affects, until later in the day I just want to pass out.

I hope everyone had a wonderful New Year! I am looking forward to this year, with no resolutions, only to have patients and understanding with myself. The only time is now. I need to push away the thought of "when I do this I will be fine." Cause even if I did accomplish that goal, I'd add more and more to the list, and it would never stop, therefore I would never be satisfied. This is definitely an old behavior with my Ed ("Once I loose weight I'll be happy"), which I'm sure we all can relate to. Resolutions are not horrible, but I believe it needs to be more of an internal process, and not a focus on change in appearance, which is non stop talked about for the New Year. Also I believe in mini resolutions, ones that may occur everyday unplanned. Why wait till next year to do something for yourself??

There is no time line to accomplishing things in life.