Since I have been busy, and not being on blogger nearly half as much, I realize how crucial it is for me in recovery.
Bad day yesterday. I woke up feeling as I do everyday, neutral. I decided I felt like eggs (I have been having them added to my breakfast for a while, but some days I don't because I get sick of them.) I scrambled 3 eggs, had my banana, a bowl of puffins cereal with soy milk. Half hour later I have two rice cakes with almond butter. Then sure enough not too long after I had 4 more bowls of cereal with soy milk. Then add two more rice cakes with almond butter.
Eating range from 6:30 to 10:30am. Not a binge, I didn't even feel full! I'm glad there was nothing in the house that was a safe food because it would have been gone. Mentally in my head, I know its okay to crave. I wanted a second bowl of cereal, just try to enjoy this bonus. Two more bowls after that, I totally loathed myself while thinking about everything else I just ate. But I had to eat the last two rice cakes to get rid of the almond butter. Before I even ate all this food, options did strike in my head: "Call someone! Throw it out! You don't need to do this, you aren't even hungry." That consciousness was too faded for me to take action to help myself.
The day sucked totally. I did not eat all day. I went to the gym around 8pm, ran a bit, did weights, and obviously felt faint and nauseous the whole time. I tried to hold it together until my bf and I left. I told him what happened, and he listened. We decided to go to Subway, and I'd at least just have a salad, but no dressing.
I don't know what I'm more mad about; the fact I overate in the morning, or the fact I didn't eat all day? Having more than one eating disorder really scrunches everything together and makes choices even that more difficult, plus adding emotions to that, then I just want to scream.
I am having more good days than bad. Ed thoughts are very active, and I am trying my best to not listen. Accepting there are good and bad days is still mind bending for me, trusting in that emotions/negative thoughts do pass; with time, care, and acceptance. It's not that bad. But when it feels bad, and you wanna crawl out of your skin, it's sometimes hard to keep it together.
Today I'm feeling a little better. I still feel this huge urge to isolate myself from everyone. Now that I'm more social with new friends, have my new job, doing fun things, I feel like I can't trust it. Believe that its real, that it's for me, my choices led me here. Yet when I fuck up I'm never late to come and bash myself in any way possible.
I guess in some ways seeing all this and putting the pieces together seems to be helpful. Halfway that is. Because there still isn't an answer to why. And I know there doesn't have to be one, and that's the hardest thing to accept: uncertainty.
I miss all of you so much, and tomorrow and Sunday I am going to make time to visit every one's blogs and see how you are. I not only need to write about my recovery, but I need to read about others to know I'm not alone, and that there is something beyond Ed thats worth fighting for.