Friday, January 23, 2009

AHHHHHH

Since I have been busy, and not being on blogger nearly half as much, I realize how crucial it is for me in recovery.

Bad day yesterday. I woke up feeling as I do everyday, neutral. I decided I felt like eggs (I have been having them added to my breakfast for a while, but some days I don't because I get sick of them.) I scrambled 3 eggs, had my banana, a bowl of puffins cereal with soy milk. Half hour later I have two rice cakes with almond butter. Then sure enough not too long after I had 4 more bowls of cereal with soy milk. Then add two more rice cakes with almond butter.

Eating range from 6:30 to 10:30am. Not a binge, I didn't even feel full! I'm glad there was nothing in the house that was a safe food because it would have been gone. Mentally in my head, I know its okay to crave. I wanted a second bowl of cereal, just try to enjoy this bonus. Two more bowls after that, I totally loathed myself while thinking about everything else I just ate. But I had to eat the last two rice cakes to get rid of the almond butter. Before I even ate all this food, options did strike in my head: "Call someone! Throw it out! You don't need to do this, you aren't even hungry." That consciousness was too faded for me to take action to help myself.

The day sucked totally. I did not eat all day. I went to the gym around 8pm, ran a bit, did weights, and obviously felt faint and nauseous the whole time. I tried to hold it together until my bf and I left. I told him what happened, and he listened. We decided to go to Subway, and I'd at least just have a salad, but no dressing.

I don't know what I'm more mad about; the fact I overate in the morning, or the fact I didn't eat all day? Having more than one eating disorder really scrunches everything together and makes choices even that more difficult, plus adding emotions to that, then I just want to scream.

I am having more good days than bad. Ed thoughts are very active, and I am trying my best to not listen. Accepting there are good and bad days is still mind bending for me, trusting in that emotions/negative thoughts do pass; with time, care, and acceptance. It's not that bad. But when it feels bad, and you wanna crawl out of your skin, it's sometimes hard to keep it together.

Today I'm feeling a little better. I still feel this huge urge to isolate myself from everyone. Now that I'm more social with new friends, have my new job, doing fun things, I feel like I can't trust it. Believe that its real, that it's for me, my choices led me here. Yet when I fuck up I'm never late to come and bash myself in any way possible.

I guess in some ways seeing all this and putting the pieces together seems to be helpful. Halfway that is. Because there still isn't an answer to why. And I know there doesn't have to be one, and that's the hardest thing to accept: uncertainty.

I miss all of you so much, and tomorrow and Sunday I am going to make time to visit every one's blogs and see how you are. I not only need to write about my recovery, but I need to read about others to know I'm not alone, and that there is something beyond Ed thats worth fighting for.

5 comments:

  1. Sarah, a day like this is never wasted because it sounds like despite the fact you probably want to remove your brain and give it a good scrub, you learnt a few things.

    I identify so much with what you have said in this post, and I think that learning to have a more flexible relationship with food is what begins to trip us up. I know I am fine if I stick to my meal plan, no changes, no substitutes, no last minute changes of plans, but that feels at this point just as disordered, as binge eating or purging. I want to live my life, and decide what I want to eat in the morning, not check a chart, but keep learning that this just doesn't work for me at the moment. Too much choice and I flounder!!!

    Tomorrow will be a better day.

    Lola x

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  2. I agree with Lola. Sometimes, sticking to "the plan" is just as disordered as all-out restricting or binging. Recovery is kind of an experimentation time. You're stepping out of a very confining box and getting your bearings. Progress is not a direct incline. There are dips. It's ok to have bad days with active ED thoughts. Honestly, it would be odd if you didn't. Tomorrow will be better...

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  3. You are not alone. i try to love and appreciate the good moments, because the bad ones do come. i hate them and get very antsy. but they pass, right? the hardest thing for me is "full" i can figure out hungry, but it's hard to know when to stop. that's where it gets confusing, and i'm not always happy with the results. sounds like you got through the day the best you could, which is all we can. look forward to hearing more from you.

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  4. Rreading through others' words is so cathartic for me. I learn newways to cope, it keeps me occupied, and I develop relationships with people who are of a healthy mindset towards recovery.

    All of which are critical to my own recovery process.

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  5. Lola, I so agree. The reason I stopped my meal plan after a couple months was because it began to feel disordered, living my life around what I ate, except it was now on paper. Initally I needed it, to sync my body back to a more healthy way of eating. My brain is so touchy with food, somedays I'll enjoy fries with my family, then the next I can't bare to touch anything with carbs in it.

    Kim, thank you=) I very often do not give myself credit, and to remember that life comes with ups and downs. I feel as when I'm down I'll never come up, afraid I don't know how. I'm just afraid to trust myself and do what I want in my life, including what I eat. The complexity of it all!

    Melissa, its so important to me to know I'm not alone. Seeing more and more that 'bad' days do pass, does give me hope when that next 'bad' day comes. In the past I would punish myself for 'bad' days, the following day, and then obviously theres a vicious cycle.

    E, I love your points. Developing relationships, staying occupied, new ways to cope, and also knowing we all can understand each other on this level, our eatig disorders are something not understood by most people.

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