Friday, January 9, 2009

Anxiety, OCD, Goals

Anxieties that bring out my OCD

Being Looked at
Anxiety: In public mostly, just in general any eyes that meet mine my brain freezes and thinks "are they judging what I look like?" I have come to see that I think this, because I look at every body I see and compare it to mine. I somehow think entire population does this.
OCD:Where's a mirror? Is there one in the store I can check, am I walking funny? Is my hair messed up? Its like I need that mirror to reassure I'm actually there. I need a mirror! Quick gotta find one. I need to check, make sure my face hasn't combusted. And that I look presentable. Go figure. Brings a whole knew meaning to thinking only the self absorbed stare at themselves in mirrors.
Goal: Smile. Then I know there's at least a reason why they are looking. JK! I need to let go of thinking that eyes are not always prying on me and judging.

Accomplishments
Anxiety: Feeling that I'm never doing enough, and its never good enough. Whether what I accomplish academically, personally, mentally, socially, emotionally, spiritually, um...cleaning? It never feels good enough. It is difficult for me to reflect on my past and see how much I have really accomplished. I often compare others' accomplishments to mine, in that I think I did squat and am a failure. I think I'm Invisible Super Woman thus far.
OCD: Mind will race, I bash myself, feel ashamed, think about my failures and rub them in my face.Ed joins in too. Cause, ya know, loosing weight is the next PhD...
Goal: Unconsciously living my day. Not putting a lot of thought into such basic activities that I somehow can find a way to get anxious over. Being able to look back and be content with my day and how I spent it.

Social Life

Anxiety: People. Okay this is vague and complex. Its mostly how they perceive me. Part of me doesn't give a damn, and the other just wants to friggin know all your thoughts so I can live up to your expectations. I sway between these often being blunt or not expressing how I really feel.
OCD: So many, depending on my mood. I twirl my hair (left handed, have since I was 2), I've started a bad one of picking at my head. I'll also tweeze my eyebrows, trying to get every minuscule hair (always starting with my left eyebrow). I wash my hands before and after using the bathroom, even at home. I brush my teeth, always spitting twice. I shower in specific order.Depending on my anxiety many things could arise. These behaviors can sometimes annoy me and I feel in this invisible box with no other ways, (cause to me there are no other options)and my anxiety heightens even more.
Goal: Work on giving myself more choices. Thinking outside the box (Ha ha no pun intended).Knowing that my choices influence my life, but as long as I'm doing what's best for me, it's never going to be "wrong."

Choices

Anxiety: The future. Ah, yes. I have actually worked quite hard on this issue. I will be straight out and say if I were not on medication it would have not been possible. I need constant stability, scheduling, and predictability. Being unsure over things is not comfortable, unless I know ahead of time it's something good (presents are nice.)
OCD: There's not much of one now. I dive head first into things. My Ed was the King of all choices, inside and outside of body, rules, regulations, restrictions. I can handle unpredictability now. I see it as a huge opening into possibilities that I can CHOOSE when the TIME is right for ME. I can ask for help, I can say jeez I hate asking for help, but I ask. Not knowing when I'll have my own house, husband, if I go back to school etc. does not phase me now (It's all in God's hands). I still dream and care, but accept things will turn out as time goes. Planning all the time takes away living. Literally. Because as if I get where I want to 'be' I'll already be way ahead thinking of where I want to be instead. Acceptance! In limiting my imagination to my future I see everything in black and white. Either this way or that way. Only. That's how I felt it was going to be. I felt less anxiety in the since that it felt predictable, but miserable because, well, its frankly depressing.
Goal: Do, choose, try, learn, love, & make mistakes. I can see mistakes as a guiding point into the direction I ultimately want; to feel at peace internally (and externally.) This needs to always be in constant motion. Its all in perception baby.

I am not Invisible Anti-Social Can't Make Mistakes Super Woman anymore.

I Plan to Not Plan.

6 comments:

  1. Great post :) I have several more articulare thoughts, but my brain is fried on a Friday.

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  2. Sarah - I recently stumbled upon your blog from one of the others that I frequently read.

    I definitely relate to this post...a little too much I think. You sounud like you are doing a great job of trying to pull yourself out to the hole that we have all built around us. Congrats! It is a continuous battle, so keep going!

    ...as I stumble around trying to find my footing in my hole and deciding if I can/and or want to get out.

    Thanks for the inspiring posts!

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  3. Kim, I know the feeling. My brain instead is fried on a saturday. Thats the blessed gift of being such intuitive thinkers! Saw a funny pin the other day "I know everything. I just can't remember it all at once." LOL

    Amanda, I'm happy for you that you could find a form of comfort in this post, and remember you'll always have support here, in whatever stage you might be at! Keep exploring=)

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  4. hey sarah: how's it going? haven't seen you "around" in a while. i think of you a lot, as all my issues have their ups and downs.

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  5. I'm doing great =) I've been really busy with work and spending a lot of time with my boyfriend. I think of you as well, and hope you have having more ups than downs! I will be writing an entry shortly=)

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  6. Amazing post. And the OCD shower thing, well, I feel you there. My 'routine' is so exhausting I have begun to detest taking a shower. Because everything has to be done in a certain order, and there are so many things to do.

    But bravo to you for writing all of this out. I think when we put things out there, i.e. on paper or on a blog, it loses some of its' appeal. At least for me. When I re-read what I've written, I want to be better, I want to overcome, I want to be stronger.

    I wish that for you :)

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