Thursday, January 1, 2009

Anxiety

I'm now seeing that a big part of recovery I'm struggling with is the self acceptance, and the ability to give and receive trust from others. Whether intentional or not, I don't completely open up, thus me not being able to accept trust from others. I might not trust my own judgements/feelings about them, so how do I begin to trust them? It's like-I know I'm always honest, believe in karma, and don't ever try to hurt someone or lie. I just can't, it doesn't sit well with me. It feels like I'm paranoid to accept the love and trust from others. If I open up, I'm vulnerable...and when I open up, I tend to cling. I could easily be lied to, and feel stupid, be played a fool, its a fear I have had for a long time. It's hard for me to set boundaries, because I want others to be happy and enjoy being with me. So when there is one upset it puts me in the "They probably always thought this that and the other" or "I bet they were planning that all along." I'll try to fathom up past situations to see where I went wrong by trusting them. I assume the worst. Take it way too personally, and try to blame myself for things, so ultimately it was me that did it. As long as I think it's my fault I don't have to figure out what the real reason might be. Not good.

Now the above mostly pertains to intimate relationships. I do not have a boyfriend, and at times I feel I never ever want one. That would be the most vulnerable state ever for me, what would happen to me? This is a huge fear. Trusting the other sex.

As my second therapist K said, it's easier for me to keep myself down all the time than for me to balance my emotions, the regular ups and downs. If everything is fine and dandy, I feel the need to find something wrong, even the littlest things. This is with life in general. Now these feelings are not so strong , but they are still active in my mind and carried out unintentionally when I'm anxious, and the issue is me being able to recognize it before I put myself in a whirlwind of horrendous ideas. Bad habits die hard. Very contradicting in the fact that I try my hardest to be a perfectionist, yet when things are starting to feel that way I panic, because "it's still not good enough."

Could this explain the insomnia lately? Possibly. I did just start a new job, have been having more happy days than bad, taking one day at a time and being patient with myself. The anxiety is very physical, as I'm shaking my legs more often, feel my heart racing, am dizzy, cannot focus, and for the past three days I've been having tremors in my jaw and shoulders, particularly when I'm trying to fall asleep. I'm used to having my finger twitch at times, but my jaw and shoulders? Ah and the headaches. I will follow Melissa's advice and consult with a doctor.

Ignoring these feelings will do me no good.

4 comments:

  1. Before I made it to your 2nd paragraph, I thought to myself, 'that was me in college!. I wanted to be a psychologist just so I could tell when guys were lying to me. I suspected every, guilty before tried.

    I guess I've gotten a bit better, but it's taken YEARS. And I still don't completely trust anyone. It's not a fun way to live. Is it causing you stress? Does stress cause lack of sleep?

    Absolutely.

    And finding something wrong with everything, oh, I relate to you on that. If everything's ok, then I'd have nothing to think about!

    I hope you do consult with a doctor (who knows what they are talking about...). I won't promte any certain meds, but mine have completely changed my life - from having multiple panic attacks weekly to managed anxiety daily. big diff.

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  2. If I could get hold of my book right now, I'd write out part of it which says, almost word for word, your first paragraph...that people who have little self-acceptance find it difficult to love/trust and accept it, too. Very perceptive - and it definitely pertains to me, I know. The book is "When You And Your Mother Can't Be Friends" by Victoria Secunda. I don't know if this situation is actually relevant to you personally, but it can be applied to so many relationships.

    It also sounds like you are having panic attacks. You certainly do need to see a doctor as soon as possible. They are very unpleasant and it can get to the stage wherein fearing one will bring them on more regularly.

    Look after yourself and take care.

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  3. I totally understand what you're saying. Trust is hard. It's hard to trust others, and it's hard to trust yourself and how you're feeling. Maybe it's making you nervous that you have felt good lately. Maybe that, "is this for real?" thought is creeping in. It can't hurt to see someone. Keep us posted!!

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  4. E, I'll be seeing my psychiatrist Tuesday, and called her today about the insomnia. She believe that it is caused from stress, and possibly excitement since I have not been this busy/active/positive/DIFFERENT lol in quite some time. I hope that I do not need to up any of my meds (currently on two for depression and anxiety/ocd) Need mooooar skills;)

    Annie, I will have to go get that book. Personally most of my emotional struggles growing up were related to my mother. What she demonstrated and preached taught me to be afraid, dependent, self doubting, and the need for perfectionism. I think last night I did have one (pa), I started crying for no reason. Ed thoughts came in, but somehow I mustered right out loud, "No it's okay, let it out." And I did.

    Kim, feelings are definitely difficult to me, in that they often determine my decisions on things. I tend to do what I think might be "right" and not how I believe is right for me. I'm doing my best to ride the waves and forgive myself along the way.

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