Monday, January 5, 2009

Insomnia SUCKS

I'm feeling quite insane now. No amount of advil and sleep is aliviating this headache. Adding the insomnia to it, I feel like crying in frustration (which I already have).

I'm looking forward to my appointment tomorrow with my psychiatrist L. Today it felt like one big panic attack. Everything I could think that might be wrong, I imagined it so, and got stuck in those thoughts. It's so hard to dig yourself out of these emotions, yet I want to so bad, so why can't I? I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way. I'm so fucking sick of worrying, being afraid, and always limiting my ability of thinking to try new things. This is insanity.

I can't even focus to read over things I want to, that are a guide to me for work. I'm dragging myself once again to do laundry. I just want to lay my head down. This would be okay if I could lay my head down for the appropriate time! (7 hours straight preferably)

I want to know exactly why I feel this way all the time. Why am I like this? What's wrong with me? I want to figure it out! I can't fake it, yet I don't want to walk around a scrooge. How do I handle having "egh" moods? Why are these "egh" moods so scary and threatening? It seems the more I fight them, the worse I feel.

I think too fucking much. Don't mind this post...

4 comments:

  1. I will mind this post, thankyouverymuch :) I totally understand where you're coming from. I have bouts of insomnia that make me feel like a total nut, and then I go into the obsessive thinking about what's wrong with me, which is, of course, not productive. Try to just breathe. My therapist always tells me, "You WILL catch up on sleep. You know that, right?" I tend to think that if I can't sleep for a week, I won't be able to sleep FOREVER. There's that ol' black and white thinking. Don't I love it. Try to hang in there. I hope your psych appt is helpful!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hang in there sis! The road is rough but its been rough before and you've weathered through. I know you are strong and will figure it out.

    Love ya,
    Brother

    ReplyDelete
  3. That insomnia definitely adds to feeling like the world is much much bigger than it is. Plus all that extra time awake means extra time to think. You aren't losing the plot, it's all perfectly natural, despite being horrible to put up with. Hang in there, easy to say, but sometimes you just need to hear it.

    Lola x

    ReplyDelete
  4. Kim, yeah not sleeping makes me feel nuts as well. Added to that, a headache 24/7 really blows! I had a great pysch appointment, and will be writing about it today=)

    Bro, yeah I know I'm in a completely totally different place than I was. It's only frustrating because of my perfectionism and wanting everything to be "good" all the time, since things have been going good. These shitty things that pop up agrivate me but I have to keep going.

    Lola, it does feel like things can be very out of control, and I know sleepings not controllable but when it comes to it feels so wrong I can't sleep through a whole night. I forgot that riding through bad emotions aren't always going to be just short-term and that I need to learn to cope with long-term issues.

    ReplyDelete