I'm currently at work so this post may be cut short. These last couple of days have been extremely tiresome in that I'm having major tug of wars with my Ed. How can one stay sane when consistently bashing themselves, and then having to defend that bashing? It's a really stupid seesaw and I'm tired of bashing my ass at both ends.
Eating has been really hard. I find myself mindlessly eating, when not hungry. It's not a binge, but I sense no fullness no matter what. If I feel I might eat too much of that one item, I will throw it out.
It's so frustrating how one moment I can be eating 'normally,' not freaking out about the food and its contents, then the next I feel like nothing should go near my mouth. Then there's the panic of not knowing when to stop eating. Is this really what the rest of my life is going to be like?
It will if I continue to have one foot on each side-on my Ed and my Recovery. My biggest fear that pushes me to eat healthily, intuitively, is that dark dark side of my Ed I don't want again; binging and purging. And my favorite part of my Ed, the anorexia side, makes binging and purging so more seductive. Add to this my self esteem and body image I'm on a real roller coaster. I know emotionally I still want my Ed, and I know logically I want to live my life fully.
I'm pressing forward, doing my best to know that I am going in the right direction and its OKAY to feel like CRAP. I just know I do not want my Ed to be a part of the equation of whether I feel good or not. Picking myself back up from feeling low and worthless (last two days) is hard, but it's in the past.