Tuesday, January 27, 2009

My Life Feels Like an Amusement Park

I'm currently at work so this post may be cut short. These last couple of days have been extremely tiresome in that I'm having major tug of wars with my Ed. How can one stay sane when consistently bashing themselves, and then having to defend that bashing? It's a really stupid seesaw and I'm tired of bashing my ass at both ends.

Eating has been really hard. I find myself mindlessly eating, when not hungry. It's not a binge, but I sense no fullness no matter what. If I feel I might eat too much of that one item, I will throw it out.

It's so frustrating how one moment I can be eating 'normally,' not freaking out about the food and its contents, then the next I feel like nothing should go near my mouth. Then there's the panic of not knowing when to stop eating. Is this really what the rest of my life is going to be like?

It will if I continue to have one foot on each side-on my Ed and my Recovery. My biggest fear that pushes me to eat healthily, intuitively, is that dark dark side of my Ed I don't want again; binging and purging. And my favorite part of my Ed, the anorexia side, makes binging and purging so more seductive. Add to this my self esteem and body image I'm on a real roller coaster. I know emotionally I still want my Ed, and I know logically I want to live my life fully.

I'm pressing forward, doing my best to know that I am going in the right direction and its OKAY to feel like CRAP. I just know I do not want my Ed to be a part of the equation of whether I feel good or not. Picking myself back up from feeling low and worthless (last two days) is hard, but it's in the past.


  1. I am so in the same place at the moment.

    Lots of grazing going on, anxiety about eating too much/too little/too often/not often enough/gaining weight/not losing weight/getting well/not getting well fast enough/wanting to b&P/wanting to want to B&P/not purging/wanting to fast/wanting to want to fast/not exercising/wanting to exercise like a hamster on a treadmill.

    Slip one way to AN, right myself, slip another way to BN, right myself. Bored of it, tired of it!!!! Arhghghghgh! This will pass though, recovered people cannot surely have this amount of conflict for the rest of their days.....

    Lola x

  2. I can relate to this-ive been struggling to deafen Ed the last day or two but he is a loud man. its easy to cave in-its a fight, but it sure as hell is worth it. on this earth, we have a short time here. we are blessed to have any time at all.

    How do YOU want to spend it?

  3. Lola, yes exactly. It's hard because I'm always anxious about that stuff. Then lets say, I get anxious from a different thing entirely, I immediately associate that my anxiety must be about food/my body. I'm so bored of it too, I wish more than anything it would stop.

    Philabundanceoflife, I feel the same way, then when the Ed comes in nothing else applies, even if I try at times, nothing can stop the thoughts. I've come a long way through recovery, and honestly I'm not sure how I want to spend my time here on earth, all I know is I want to be able to love myself unconditionally, and I believe that will open the doors to me fully living.

  4. i think it all suppresses feelings. who has to time to feel while restricting, binging or purging?

    my therapist thinks i hardcore deafen my anger and passion. it's hard for me to even accept this -- it's all been pushed so far down inside of me.

    this was a great post. you said it all and so well, and i agree 100% with what others commented.

    just a thought about the prevalence of self-bashing. when i write, i type fast and have so much to say, that i make a lot of mistakes. i beat myself up for these mistakes -- i'm dumb, lazy, careless, brain-dead. how awful. is it possible i'm smart and my brain works faster than the computer? i don't accept this thought at all, but it feels nicer. thanks, sarah, for making me think.