Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Pulling Through

Okay, lets see if I can wrap my head around the last two days events.

1. I'm feeling a lot better, being able to focus on the good in my life.
2. Slept through the WHOLE night last night, plus a 2 hour nap before work this afternoon
3. Told Z I didn't want the kind of relationship we were having. I'm done pleasing others.
4. Got asked out on a date with M for Saturday =)X100 I'm going to hang out with him tomorrow night as well.
5. In reference to number 2, I saw my psychiatrist and things went well. My anxiety and stress is identical as to what I was feeling before I went on meds, so I was upped to 80mg on Prozac. She also prescribed me Xanax, 0.25, which I took two before bed. I only think I need 1 because I was still sleepy in the morning. I can only really take it at night as it does make me so tired, unless I'm really strung and freaking out.

Other than that I'm doing my best to not get worked up on pointless things. My mind can easily focus on a minute thing and expand it, enlarge it, and it becomes too intense. Its really a habit I need to break, and by this I need to have more options when it comes to choices. I'm usually thinking in black or white (When not recovered, it was either eat everything in sight, or not eat at all.) I seem to give myself only two choices when it comes to everything. I can't see all my possible options. My brain is trained for the immediate-bad or good, yes or no, left or right. No maybes, or perhaps, or if I feel like its. This is something I need to work on to go further with recovery.

I'm going to, hopefully, on Friday, post out all my "anxieties" and list 5 possible choices for each. Not that I will choose one immediately, but to know that they are there and I have TIME to deal with them. The more I force myself to make a quick only-two option choice, that is when it intensifies. I don't want to make the wrong choice. But there is no 'wrong choice.' Its MY CHOICE. I forget a lot that I actually run my life and can decide what to do with it and how to live. My mind and body are very disconnected and I need to work on this.

A huge point I came to in therapy with L yesterday was that when I'm straight out not comfortable in my body, everything becomes a trigger for my anxiety, and in that I use my Ed to fix it, or deal, which in every case makes it worse. (Almost as there is a black and white choice for things, and if I can't make up my mind I choose my Ed.) I feel I need to fix what is wrong on the outside before I can deal with anything else effectively.

I also fear new activities/things, as if I were to do them it would need to be a consistent act in my schedule, and if I were to not do it everyday, then I'm a total mess. (Like my repeating breakfast). This really reeves my OCD which my Ed feeds on hardcore. Then there's me, Sarah in the corner, going "Both of you shut the fuck up and let me live!!!!"

Today was a positive day. I am bummed I do not have time to read blogs lately, but I hope everyone is doing well and staying strong. I care deeply for you all, whether I read your blog or you read mine. Keep on living, cause when you do, you're winning.



  1. Glad to hear things are going better! I'd been thinking about you. Can I say that I'm super giddy about your date for some reason? haha.

  2. Wow, totally identified with your therapy revelation there, hmmm, might take that one on board myself too. The trying new things thing is a big one too, but so important and when it clicks, it really clicks! So glad you are feeling better.

    Lola x

  3. I'm interested in reading about how you plan to deal with your anxieties. I think I should do that exercise myself!

    And btw, I'm on something similar to Xanax, and it has made ALL the difference in my quality of life. Yay for Docs who understand!

  4. Kim, I'm giddy too! I've hung out with him a couple times recently before our date tonight, but I cannot explain how wonderful he is.

    Lola, thanks, its so true once you try new things, then you realize the world didn't end, then it just gives you more umph to do more.

    E, the exercise I did gave me so much reflection on how far I have actually come. Because all of those anxieties are at least 50% less intense. I'm glad that I was able to care enough to finally realize that pills were going to assist me in really being me, and not change me.