Friday, January 2, 2009

Quicksand

Looking back in an objective view I can see how much I can get stuck and sink into negative thinking and thoughts about myself, and my life. To deal, my OCD comes to surface, which actually sinks me in deeper. It's a whole anxiety--->ocd to cope--->fear of mistakes--->anxiety. I'm going in circles, digging and sinking my way deeper in a pit.

Now at times when I'm enjoying myself, I find it hard to believe I got so wrapped up in my emotions about something, how I felt like it was something terminal, horrible, unstoppable. I think this goes back to the vulnerability. My mind goes into overdrive trying to figure out what I did wrong to feel this way. Is my wanting to be happy all the time setting me up for disappointment? I actually don't think so. I believe when it comes down to when I'm not happy about something, I find a way to deal, accept, change it if need be, and move on. Slowly, carefully, and gently walk through the muck and realize I do not need to stand in it, struggle, and sink deeper. This only keeps me there.

Today at work was pretty busy. It felt like a blur when we had the three of us working, and around noon I would say over 7 customers came in at once. Working at a cell phone store, selling plans, phones, managing accounts, customer service. At times you might be with a customer upwards to an hour. I worked an extra 1 1/2 hours, on my decision so the other two wouldn't be so slammed.

And if you are wondering, yes, I woke up in the middle of the night again. 3am, read for a bit, fell back to sleep around 4, then up at 7 to get ready for work. I did call my psychiatrist to let her know what was up, wondering what would be causing this. She believes it would not be my medications, since I have been on them for a while now, and would have already had them. I'm feeling it might be the excitement/anticipation/unpredictability of my life now. Kind of manic, like now I can't slow down or everything will crash. But I keep in mind, I'm okay, it's okay. I can feel emotions, it's not wrong. Though, at these times I feel stuck, and when I'm over the situation, I fear those feelings coming again even more.

I went through old documents, a month or two before I went into the hospital, of exercises I did on my own to "cure" myself of my Ed. Not that it makes them any less significant, because they were. But I was alone, and I could not do it alone. Here is a letter I wrote to my body:

Hey Body,
Its been one big roller coaster with you. I've been stuck with you for 21 years and I’m now realizing how to operate you in the appropriate, self loving, and kind way that I should be. I mess up still sometimes but I’m doing better. I've overfed you, left scars on you, starved you, ignored you, and took way too much damn time obsessing over you, and probably over expose you to the sun at times. I've wanted and tried to give up on you.But you are still here, and never have you given up on me. 

You're there to physically show me what I'm going through, to let me feel my every action I choose to take. I make you not feel good on purpose, and its starting to take a toll on my soul. I’ve not been fair to you, and you deserve better, as we won't be parting from each other for quite some time, its the least you deserve. I’ve begun to heal you, but you are only part of me and fixing this part of me does not change what’s inside. I need to stop abusing you, stop confusing you and stop trying to escape you. I want to love you but some days find it so hard and difficult that I decide to sabotage you and think that it will make it better. I end up weak, shook up, and too tired to move after hurting you. You hate going through it. You know there are better and positive ways to recognize and deal with the pain of the past, present, and future anxieties, then to hurt you just to escape them for a moment. 

You are beautiful and I want you to stay beautiful. Today you are worthy, and from now on you must be. You are strong, faithful, beautiful and alive. I'll carry you with pride and grace and I won't be afraid to look you in the face and say I love you.

1 comment:

  1. "anxiety--->ocd to cope--->fear of mistakes--->anxiety"

    Oh I know that vicious circle like an old "friend". But the fact that you recognise it stands you in good stead time and again.

    Lola x

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