Saturday, January 3, 2009

Standing in the Middle

I've got to admit I'm in a psychical state I rather can't stand to sit with. My dad made my favorite, hot wings (the only farm animal I will eat that's not free range/organic) It goes way back, in that wings are my dad's specialty and he makes them about twice a year. I had no problem endulging and enjoying, the fact that it's been 4 hours later and I feel that pressure of fullness in my gut still, that I never have after eating. It wasn't even close to a binge. I always due my bes to intuitively eat, so I usually never get uncomfortably full. It's safe. This time I can really feel my stomach is full, not exessive, but enough for me to notice and not like. Enough for my Ed to speak it's deceptable options.

My Ed feels two ways about this;
1. Well just eat more tonight it doesn't matter, you ruined it. Your stomach already feels huge, so while it does, make the most of it. You really should go into the kitchen and dispose of those chocolate chips you like to nibble at time to time. If you don't now, you'll end up gorging the whole bag soon enough. You deserve to feel even worse than you do now. 
2. Suck it up, move on and do something. You are obviously full, so you do not need to eat anything. You have every right to enduldge and enjoy here and there, and it does not have to be in extremes.

So in conclusion to number 1:
I would binge/purge
Feel guilty for days
Later could use it as an excuse to do it again, then cycle starts again.

So I say:
"No I'm not going to do that, I have been able to manage my food/snacks well, for the first time in years. I wanted wings, had them, am obviously satisfied. Why ruin that? I will not create further fears of what those wings could/will/are doing to me. Just because they are not a particularly 'safe' food doesn't mean I need to eat a whole fucking candy shop worth of junk. I see doing would be a way to validate that those wings will make me feel fat and guilty, so why set that feeling in stone, and really go all out? Make sure I really feel bad for enjoying food. It may be control, but it's not. It will set me in a cycle to do it over and over. It's Ed taking over me. Fuck all that."

I choose number 2:
"I'm trying my best to feel good about the fact I ate what I wanted, didn't go overboard, and now, am making that critical choice not to sabatoge my work by going back to my old food habits (EX:I might have ate too much, I'm not sure...better eat more cause I feel shitty already). I'm not hungry or painfully full, and it's okay to be in the middle, to physically feel full. It's only scary because of my past history with eating and food. I'm done giving food power over me. Living a fulfilling life is not about my body's appearance."

I pray that I can rest peacefully, sleep the whole night (woke last night 1am...) Tomorrow I really want to write about my tug of war in my recovery, with more of a fear of my bulimia, and no fear of my anorexia, coming to surface. And the fact of managing my orthorexia, in a rationally healthy way.

5 comments:

  1. Congrats, Sarah; what a difficult situation to be in, and you made the right choice for YOU.

    That's awesome!

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  2. That is a brilliant achievement! Good for you for listening to yourself

    Lola x

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  3. i have been reading your blogs and thinking of you. you mention OCD, which could make you agitated, right? and you mentioned, manic. this is personal, but i'm wondering if that is part of your diagnosis? that can kick in at any time, i believe, even if you are medicated.

    physical and chemical stuff aside, do you think what you're going through now is a minimizing of the "pink cloud" many of us feel in the early days of recovery? when i came off drugs the first time, i was in a la la land of happy joy for a month, then i got anxious and depressed. i was really together the first time i gave up alcohol too. nothing could bring me down. if you were in the "pink cloud" phase (just a guess), it's so normal to have concerns creep back in.

    in the beginning of recovery, we are on such a high. but's it's natural that some old feelings are going to creep in. it is hard to be happy all the time. i'm glad when you are, and you have a magnificent attitude. and it's scarey to feel dark stuff.

    does any of this resonate? i know you'll be talking to your therapist. hope i didn't over-step with personal questions and thoughts.

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  4. Thanks so much E and Lola! <3

    Melissa, I know OCD is definitely part of it, although it has significantly decreased since I've started my meds (in Aug). I definitely wasn't manic before, and I don't know if going on meds can make that happen?

    You didn't overstep on anything Melissa=) I really like any feedback, it helps me sort things. I'm not sure I'm in a pink cloud now, but I know in Sept/Oct I definitely was. It was that high of feeling completely different. Once I was off my meal plan, in Dec, finding a job, etc; then I really had to use my skills and not my Ed, which it wasn't tempting to. That is what baffles me in that everything now is going pretty great, yet Ed thoughts are poking at me more often, being extremely tempting. It could be that set of mind, subconsciously trying to stay down and upset, because I've always felt all my life there is something wrong with me (& that I am unworthy)

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  5. can you believe i have more to say?!!! your posts have really left an impression. i wanted to remind you what someone once said to me after a binge 25 years ago -- calories are cumulative. one batch of wings will be gone very soon. it is not possible to gain a lot of weight from a medium dinner! good job not binging later. i'm glad you're talking about worries about bulimia.very healthy to recognize it and talk about it. this is all normal. you're in the process.

    from you, "Living a fulfilling life is not about my body's appearance." i'm tacking that on my wall! okay, i'm done

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