Monday, January 19, 2009

Staying True to Oneself

I feel entirely drained, mentally. This isn't a bad thing, except it comes with a headache. I've been progressing in therapy and really getting into the nitty gritty of all my perceptions, wants, needs, dreams, and how I now feel I am going in the direction I want. Not that I wasn't before, it's more like I did not have a clear vision or the guts to do what I want, instead of pleasing others. Its like, oh I can make decisions? Wow I have a lot of options in life. I can make mistakes, and learn from them, grow into a stronger more experienced being? I can take pride in the things I have done, in that I am loving myself, so that I can also love others, to trust myself so I can trust them? That I don't need to change to be accepted?

I see now that I was living so far out of my body with my ED, a mirror showing such an angry worthless person. Pleasing others and not taking care of myself. So lost in life, I felt a loss of all control, and my ED gave me that feeling of control. Not only that, it was a way for me to not appear to people, be looked over so I would be left alone and not disappoint others. Hoping they would not notice me anymore. It was a brick wall between me and the world. And the only way out was to stay with my ED, the predictable, harmful, repetitive rituals day in and day out. Yes, I believed the smaller I was, that it would be better for everyone. I wanted to be forgotten, because I felt there was nothing about me that was worth remembering.

I am worth remembering, worth being loved. whether at times I will have to dig down deep and know I'm worth a beautiful life, one I can enjoy. Love myself, my imperfections. I would not love someone unless they are true to themselves, so I find it important to be true to myself. Take me as I am. Because I have to also take myself as I am. I wouldn't want someone to change themselves for me, and I'm learning that I do not need to change for others. Whether it be physical, moral, spiritual, emotional, I can't deny my true self for people. Doing this does not protect me from squat. It only denies my full potential of happiness, and limits my ability to make choices for myself.

That's why I love blogging, and reading others blogs. Its real, its people being real. Real with others and most importantly, with themselves. I have taken so much from this experience thus far, in that I can incorporate my feeling and thoughts with confidence out in this world. Life is too short to keep wanting something else. Acceptance of yourself is important, and if others accept you for who you are, then you will be okay. Really. The one's that don't accept you probably do not accept themselves. Once you accept yourself, anything is possible.

4 comments:

  1. Yep, I think you hit the nail on the head -- it's all about acceptance :)

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  2. What a beautiful post, Sarah. What an honest assessment of yourself, a healthy perspective of those around you, and a genuine understanding of the impolications involved in doing so.

    I loved this; I loved your words and how you chose to assemble them together.

    "The one's that don't accept you probably do not accept themselves. Once you accept yourself, anything is possible."

    That's not only beautiful, but it's raw, and it's honest.

    Keep fighting. You have the world in front of you!

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  3. Sarah.

    I was brought to tears by your first paragraph. Are you inside my head?

    Cut to third paragraph.

    You are SOOOOO amazing. So beautiful on the inside and out. Incredible writer. Emotional and compassionate human.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and life.

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  4. Kim, it definetly is. It takes time to learn that its okay to be as your are, and that you can have your own voice and shape your own life.

    E, I love you girl, and I'm happy to see that my post connected with you. I have to also add I very much admire the way of assembling your thoughts. Everyone has their way of expression, and its almost as I can see each personality without really knowing the person outside the web, through their words. Each personality I have come across has touched me, made me cry, or laugh, or set me straight with things.

    ReplyDelete