I see now that I was living so far out of my body with my ED, a mirror showing such an angry worthless person. Pleasing others and not taking care of myself. So lost in life, I felt a loss of all control, and my ED gave me that feeling of control. Not only that, it was a way for me to not appear to people, be looked over so I would be left alone and not disappoint others. Hoping they would not notice me anymore. It was a brick wall between me and the world. And the only way out was to stay with my ED, the predictable, harmful, repetitive rituals day in and day out. Yes, I believed the smaller I was, that it would be better for everyone. I wanted to be forgotten, because I felt there was nothing about me that was worth remembering.
I am worth remembering, worth being loved. whether at times I will have to dig down deep and know I'm worth a beautiful life, one I can enjoy. Love myself, my imperfections. I would not love someone unless they are true to themselves, so I find it important to be true to myself. Take me as I am. Because I have to also take myself as I am. I wouldn't want someone to change themselves for me, and I'm learning that I do not need to change for others. Whether it be physical, moral, spiritual, emotional, I can't deny my true self for people. Doing this does not protect me from squat. It only denies my full potential of happiness, and limits my ability to make choices for myself.
That's why I love blogging, and reading others blogs. Its real, its people being real. Real with others and most importantly, with themselves. I have taken so much from this experience thus far, in that I can incorporate my feeling and thoughts with confidence out in this world. Life is too short to keep wanting something else. Acceptance of yourself is important, and if others accept you for who you are, then you will be okay. Really. The one's that don't accept you probably do not accept themselves. Once you accept yourself, anything is possible.