Saturday, January 17, 2009

What else is Holding me Back?

Well, jeez its been a long time. Since I've last posted a lot has happened, probably more than I could cover. I am okay. I'm actually really great. I am now in a serious relationship with M, and it's amazing. Everything about us syncs together. We aren't exactly alike, but its this kind of bliss that is so real, I wouldn't even doubt it. He deserves a girl like me, and I deserve a guy like him. Okay I'm done with the mushy stuff (for now).

In therapy with L, I'm getting into what feels like a huge stepping point in recovery. It was one I didn't see. My separation from my Dad as an adult, the pull between me wanting to leave, and him wanting me to stay. Helping me hugely when I am really down or stuck. Yet when I am doing well (like now, things are great), and when I ask for any kind of support, he seems resistant in doing so. I am working on a way to separate myself to be my own human being. It got to the point where I felt I couldn't make any kind of decision without asking my Dad. I really need to know his perspective, so we are figuring out a time when he can be in session with me.

Another realization, is that how much anger drove me to do things in the past. And especially with my ED. The more angry I was the more 'control' I felt. It was my wall to the world. Before my ED, anger drove me to work a lot, go to school full time, do my thing. Around 17, 18, 19 I basically fed off my anger towards my parents to do things, to possible prove myself that I was worthy of attention and love. We were all hostile towards each other. I felt the need to be out of the house. Now at home with Dad and G, its a completely different environment and a house filled with love, and I'm enjoying it. I went through a lot of shit the last two years, but I have learned and grown from it, found myself, and better yet I am loving me for me and standing behind my beliefs and values. I do want to eventually transition out, and I don't want anger to be my motivator.

M is playing me a song on the guitar, so I'm going to watch him=)

4 comments:

  1. I am SO happy to hear of you doing so well hun!!! :)

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  2. isn't it great to be in a great relationship? i'm glad you have someone you adore. it's really helpful when other things are hard.

    yay that your dad will go to therapy with you. i hope that's helpful for you both. i was never brave enough to bring my mom with me. wonder what would have happened.

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  3. I understand the separation; I had to (and still am) separated from my parents so I can recover. It may seem like an oxymoron, but if it works, it has saved my life.

    I hope the music was sweet :)

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  4. I understand the separation part; I am estranged from my parents, which was necessary for me to recover. It may sound like an oxymoron, but whatever works to gain back your life - DO IT.

    And I hope the music was sweet :)

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