Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Will This Numbness go Away?

Didn't have to go into work today, kinda bummed. Not as bummed as I am about the 18" inches of snow we're getting! Is it Spring yet?

Went to therapy, decided I would risk the drive. Honestly I'm glad I chose to. I had a couple of really intense dreams last night, and we discussed them. I was able to correlate the events with the feelings I'm experiencing (or trying to experience, or avoid). Considering I hadn't had a dream in over 3 weeks, I urgently wrote everything about it down when I woke up. 

I've noticed in my efforts towards acceptance with things (aka the experience of life) is missing a crucial step. Surrendering. You can't accept and still run around doing, thinking, avoiding the same things, expecting different results (insanity anyone?) I need to stop. Smell the roses. Instead, I get near the rose, bend over about to take a whiff, then book it before enjoying that aroma of nature. Sometimes even if I were to smell the rose, I wouldn't believe I'm really smelling it, or I would totally avoid smelling the rose all together. 

Ed doesn't want to surrender. It wants to avoid, avoid, avoid. Not feel. It wants things the same, which means everything else, opportunities, feelings, my life are being held hostage. Deep inside I want to thrive and grow. Ed convinces me I'm better off without those things, because I would fail anyway at trying for that. Failing is not allowed, so do what I am best at-having my Ed.

I WANT to fail. I WANT to feel emotions. I WANT to need. I WANT to learn. I WANT to experience.

Surrender. Accept. Live. Trust. 

That's what I want, and I want to FEEL it, and be okay with life as it is, knowing I can handle it, make decisions and mold my life into how I WANT IT. 

God please.


  1. Hey :) I feel you on the snow...we have enough to last all winter!
    Failing is totally allowed...and I hear you on the avoidance, it's so much easier to just avoid, but gets you nowhere. It's your life, and you only get one shot...

  2. Unfortunately, that's exactly what I'm doing too... getting near enough to the rose, then running like hell to get away from it.

    We know what we need to do, it's the doing part that isn't working!

  3. Becky, avoidance gets me no where fast. But my Ed wants me to think I'm getting somewhere. I'm fighting hard, and this blogging community helps so much=)

    Amanda, perfectly said, "We know what we need to do, it's the doing part that isn't working!" This relates to me immmensely in the fact I was not brought up to dream, learn and try new things, and be excited about it. I was taught to be afraid, not trust, and not mess up on anything. Don't do it if it can't be done perfectly. I'm trying to unlearn this.