Went to therapy, decided I would risk the drive. Honestly I'm glad I chose to. I had a couple of really intense dreams last night, and we discussed them. I was able to correlate the events with the feelings I'm experiencing (or trying to experience, or avoid). Considering I hadn't had a dream in over 3 weeks, I urgently wrote everything about it down when I woke up.
I've noticed in my efforts towards acceptance with things (aka the experience of life) is missing a crucial step. Surrendering. You can't accept and still run around doing, thinking, avoiding the same things, expecting different results (insanity anyone?) I need to stop. Smell the roses. Instead, I get near the rose, bend over about to take a whiff, then book it before enjoying that aroma of nature. Sometimes even if I were to smell the rose, I wouldn't believe I'm really smelling it, or I would totally avoid smelling the rose all together.
Ed doesn't want to surrender. It wants to avoid, avoid, avoid. Not feel. It wants things the same, which means everything else, opportunities, feelings, my life are being held hostage. Deep inside I want to thrive and grow. Ed convinces me I'm better off without those things, because I would fail anyway at trying for that. Failing is not allowed, so do what I am best at-having my Ed.
I WANT to fail. I WANT to feel emotions. I WANT to need. I WANT to learn. I WANT to experience.
Surrender. Accept. Live. Trust.
That's what I want, and I want to FEEL it, and be okay with life as it is, knowing I can handle it, make decisions and mold my life into how I WANT IT.