I saw my therapist L on Wednesday, and as usual, uncovered more repressed feelings, and they would be directed to my adolescent years. My consciousness of my body in space made me nervous. I was aware of this at a young age (6 or 7 I believe). As I grew older, changes were happening, I developed early. Period at age 10. Birth control at age 12 (periods were extremely abnormal). And many other things were changing with my body. I did not understand why, or how to stop these changes I didn't understand.
During those years, I had no one to turn to-I never trusted my Mom's opinion, in that I truly thought she was always lying to me, and didn't care. I'd ask, do you think I'm fat? No. Can you help me with my homework? Go ask your father. Can you drive me to a friends in town? No I'm busy. Throughout adolescence I gave up asking my Mother for anything, or help with anything. I came to believe she just did not give a shit, and that I was a huge stress to her, and she made that clear many times to me. I was emotionally alone, felt no connection or trust with my Mother, did not feel important to her.
In my teen years, I became depressed, and would inform my Mom I wanted help with it. It took more than a few screaming matches for her to give in, take responsibility of her child and help me feel better. Our home was a war zone for a good 8 years of my life. I was filled with resent, anger and disappointed in that my Mom was not acting in a motherly loving way I wanted and most importantly needed. I saw other friend's mothers, envying their involvement in their child's life. I felt unwanted, that I had too many needs, and that my feelings did not matter to anyone.
As an adult, I know my mom was sick. She stopped drinking when she was pregnant with me, and is now 23 years sober. I had talked to her shortly ago, and learned that she did not know how to interact with me. She explained I was upset one time, crying. She called her sponsor and asked for help, "What do I do?" they responded, "Give her a hug, comfort her." My mom's reaction was, "Well, how do I do that?" I also cannot recall her playing and interacting with me. If we did things together, it was always what she wanted. Things that didn't interest me. What about what I wanted? Our roles were very reversed to say the least.
With her lack of knowing how to be a nurturing, forgiving, loving mother, I often thought she was just plain stupid at times. She did not understand things, and could not process others' thoughts and accept there may be a different view. Now I understand how she, when having me, had just became sober, and had no idea how to care for a baby. Growing up my Mom's mom was very controlling. Work came first, then the kids. My mom was constantly controlled, belittled, and made to feel a failure. Her father was an alcoholic, who could not keep jobs. My grandmother was the breadwinner. My Mother did not feel important to her mother as well, in that her mother never gave her the attention and care she needed.
Without having proper care, growing from infant to adult, can affect people in all different ways. I became quiet, withdrawn, self conscious and had low self-esteem. This isn't any one's fault. Now, I am able to comprehend what has happened, forgive, and learn to excel. Breaking the traits that you grew up with, developed with, observed all are hard wired in the brain. My mother did not know how a child needs to be treated, was in recovery for alcoholism, and had limited emotional support. By third grade my need for my Mom was replaced by food. Food could help any mood, like a mom would. Help me feel better, happy, at least for the time I'm indulging in gorging my feelings.
I now know that the child inside me, is being neglected, by myself. The way I treat, think, and view myself. Continuing a deserved punishment from my past feelings and actions. Starve, restrict, and if you eat 'wrong' foods there are consequences. This fear is so real to me. It is real, in that I've experienced it. The food I used to eat left me unhealthy, and was extremely addicting. Either eat very limited types of food, or eat everything and go mad. My fear of if I eat 'normally' I will gain all the weight I lost, and people will not care for me anymore, think I'm out of control. Sadly, as I see it now, I became more noticeable after loosing all my weight. I liked this at first, then said, wait, why now? Answer: My body. Why: Now it's acceptable and worth others' time. But WHY? It reinforced the thought that my body was bad, wrong, and unwanted all my adolescence, so much my mother didn't care and couldn't handle me. I changed and started to be the center of attention. I grew strongly to hate this, wanting no one to look at me, notice me, think of me.
It is getting late, and I have much more to say, let out, feel, move past. To anyone that reads this, I will tell you that you are not alone with your struggles. They may be different, but they affect our lives. I want these affects, negative or positive, to give me strength to love myself and others. And feel life is worth living.