Things are well, they really are. In the realistic world that I'm in, things are going great. Why is it never enough? Oh yeah I want to be thinner. That dictates half my mood, often subconsciously. Why do I want to loose weight? I really honest to God don't know. All I could say is it will make me happier, solve all my problems, boost my self esteem, create world peace (okay last part is a bit out there). And with recovery I already know loosing weight won't accomplish these things.
It's the high of believing I'm getting to 'that place' by loosing weight. Except I never get there. The high of excitement about getting to weigh yourself in the morning, giving you that extra push to do even better that day to still loose more. The high of being at a gathering, only munching on carrots and celery while everyone is stuffing their face with chips and cookies. The high of what feels like no one else in the world could achieve, and a feeling of difference from everyone. Identity.
Is it so crazy I want to keep recovering, but also so want to restrict, make rules, and loose weight?
With all honesty, I've been cutting out certain foods. I'm not eating full meals. I know how few a changes I could make to loose weight. Why am I afraid of maintaining a normal weight? I most of all want the outside of me to appear different, as in the mirror I see a person I can't stand to look at. I had a significant dream about mirrors a few nights ago, and how when I looked into it my reflection was upside down, as was a few items in the room (a bathroom), like the sink upside down on the ceiling. I talked with my therapist about how the correlation between mirrors and bathrooms, how much they are a part of our lives. Bathrooms mostly involve routines with our bodies, how we shower, wash our hands, do our makeup, dress, etc.
We bath/shower, do our "duty", there's the infamous scale, often a mirror over the sink, all which are related to the body, in the flesh, and most of the time you are alone in this very room. You have no choice but to be up close and personal with your body. If my subconscious has believed I think I look fat in the mirror, than even as I try to change my thoughts, mirrors trigger that inner part of me to say I'm still fat. As many other things do; scales, certain foods, etc can all have a subconscious label. (i.e. if you saw a snake in your kitchen, you might freak out if snakes aren't your favorite animal. Your subconscious will increase your heartbeat, getting ready for the Flight or Fight response.)
The daily reminder through these things is a key foundation which may regulate our mood, thoughts, and actions that impact our lives. I believe this is why living with an Ed, feeling/sensing something 'different' , not part of our routine, we immediately need to find a way to fix it so it doesn't disturb this routine. Fight or Flight, Starve or Binge. It's important to know, there's a third response; freeze. Freezing gives opportunity to think, take in sensory information, and make a logical decision. Adding OCD to the picture makes recovery even more daunting, but accepting that I see all this is huge.
I'm learning how to freeze.
What do you see now that you are in recovery?