Friday, February 27, 2009

Finding my Grip

The last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster of uncertain emotions. Slips. Fall backs. 

I know I will never find the "core" to what started my Ed. I'd be digging in history far too much, as I already seem to do subconsciously on occasion. I'm finding my triggers though, but that's not enough. It's the communication of these that is most important. My relationships in life.

Something is different though. I feel a greater power over my cynical side. It's not washing over me as it usually does. I've simply had enough of it, that I can't continue believing I'm that bad of a person for wanting my life. This hostility is coming to an end, because I finally want it to.

Fear is temporary. Communication will kill the disorder.

5 comments:

  1. Oh so sorry to hear things are crappy, it's so easy to feel like all your hard work has fallen away when you have a run of slips, but it's just the ED talking. Making it easier for you to relapse altogether by making you believe you'll never escape. Sending you some positive vibes

    Lola x

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  2. lapse and relapse are built in to the disorder. the best we can do is exactly what you're doing. getting through it and getting back. i do think that one day we suddenly realize we haven't lapsed in a really, really long time. i assume there will be slips along the way through life, but i'm not sure they're forever.

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  3. There is a reason communication i so vital to humanity. Left alone, in isolation, we resort back to that which kills us.

    Fear IS temporary. That was a brilliant last sentance, Sarah. I believe in you.

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  4. ' I've simply had enough of it, that I can't continue believing I'm that bad of a person for wanting my life. This hostility is coming to an end, because I finally want it to.'

    That's the key, Sarah. YOU are at that point where you make the decisions. Now that you want it to end, you must fight to get there.
    Hang in there.

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  5. To All-Thanks for the positivity, I really appreciate it, especially now. Times like these can feel permanant, but now I fully realize I need to utilize my support team and not internalize my problems, I simply had no idea how impacting communication is on recovery-I was focusing too much on what I was doing 'wrong'.

    Love you all!

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