The high, the rush. Light headedness, spinning. Acid burning my throat. Heavy, bloodyshot eyes. Tight chest. Hot face.
I did what I never imagined I would do again. I don't know how I am going to explain this, to anyone really. My first thought was, "What is everyone going to think of me? I just won't say anything so no one will pay attention. What will my therapist think? Will she think I haven't been trying?"
I'm tired of wanting, of needing things. My thoughts and feelings become so overwhelming I feel trapped. Alone.
I ate and puked. Puked, so I will not want to ever eat again. I really believe doing so will "straighten me up" so I will barely ever eat. I know my exact thinking pattern; crave food, think craving food is bad. Feel panicked, worried craving will get out of control. Think about food nonstop. Finally binge to get rid of craving. Purge so I won't want to eat again. Binging and purging is my "Go back to start, and try again at eating perfectly" move.
Will this game against myself ever stop?