Thursday, February 12, 2009

Relapse *CAUTION*

God, why was I not strong enough???

The high, the rush. Light headedness, spinning. Acid burning my throat. Heavy, bloodyshot eyes. Tight chest. Hot face.

I did what I never imagined I would do again. I don't know how I am going to explain this, to anyone really. My first thought was, "What is everyone going to think of me? I just won't say anything so no one will pay attention. What will my therapist think? Will she think I haven't been trying?" 

I'm tired of wanting, of needing things. My thoughts and feelings become so overwhelming I feel trapped. Alone.

I ate and puked. Puked, so I will not want to ever eat again. I really believe doing so will "straighten me up" so I will barely ever eat. I know my exact thinking pattern; crave food, think craving food is bad. Feel panicked, worried craving will get out of control. Think about food nonstop. Finally binge to get rid of craving. Purge so I won't want to eat again. Binging and purging is my "Go back to start, and try again at eating perfectly" move.

Will this game against myself ever stop?

8 comments:

  1. {{{Hugs}}}} One slip up does not make a relapse Sarah. I'm so sorry that you are feeling bad. Don't feel ashamed though, it's not a flaw it's an illness. It doesn't mean you are restarting from square one, it just means you had a bad day today. hang in there matey.

    Lola x

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  2. i have been wondering where you've been. i'm glad you were able to "talk to us" i have the flu, so i'm not all "here" todya, but i will say that when i stopped binging and purging, i slipped three times. this year - none. it's a process. it's doable. get right back on the healthy horse. you are not alone!

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  3. One time isn't the end. Just learn from your mistakes, find out what triggered you and find a better way of dealing with it or a different approach. keep the chin up sis, you know you can call me:-)

    Just remember your not on this journey alone. It just feels that way sometimes.

    Love ya!
    boom boom soft ears!

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  4. Lola's right, Sarah. I've been slipping alot lately, but that doesn't mean I'm no longer in recovery. It means I'm beating it, and ed doesn not like that; it wants control.

    I know it's hard, but I believe in you, and I believe that you are stronger than your ed. Keep fighting; you are doing an incredible thing for yourself when you allow yourself room for mistakes.

    They are far less frequent than all of the strength and character you have been building as you continue to fight this.

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  5. I'm sooo sorry Sarah. I've been having alot of this same recurring nightmare. Not sure how to 'fix' it. I understand...

    That's all I can say. Hang in there!

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  6. Thank you to everyone with your comments-you have no idea how much your words help me continue in my recovery, they keep me on the right path. I'm hanging in there and am working getting past this slip. Love you all and thank you again.

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