Sunday, February 1, 2009

WTF is Normal?

I feel like I'm some heightened individual, who is so sensitive to their own feelings/surroundings/thoughts, it almost feels like I know too much, but I don't want to know this much(or have so many feelings...). Whatever part of the subconscious mind that stores past events, it's like always on, and my part of the brain that takes in sensory from the present moment is MIA. I can recognized this, and sadly I still can't retrain my subconscious, and I want to so badly. So this ends up in me faking emotions. Some are real, they really are. Some are so real that when they go away I think the worst. Some situations trigger my old thinking patterns. Especially now, when I am so in control of my life, with so many choices, I'm resorting to old survival habits.

Starve.

Then I think I will be able to handle anything. I'll be numb. Wait, I feel that way now. My black and white logic is flashing two choices in my head:

Recovery, loose control, get fat, hate self.
or
Go back to Ed, feel numb, be skinny, hate self.

You could probably guess which one I want right now. Eating food makes me feel so weak at times, it reminds me of before, when I lost weight. How much I HATED my self and my body. How I would not go to school just because I felt I looked too fat from behind. How much I was conditioned to turn to food for any and all emotions-this too numbed me, but made me fat.

I feel when looking in the mirror I see my old self, my old body. I immediately get pissed. Think of all the shitty things in my life, and how I'll never accomplish great things. Struggling. I really don't want this, I feel like someone is playing a trick on me to feel and see this way, what feels like all the time. Did I deserve this?

My weight loss is the thing I am most proud of in my life. To loose 50lbs, healthily, was such an epiphany, an awakening of how to treat my body. Schooling in Massage Therapy only heightened my sense of well being. The Ed came after I graduated. Somehow anything I did in life was never good enough, especially for me.

I talked with my mom the other day, and felt some huge transition in how I observed her and my Dad's relationship. I always felt Dad just wanted her to get a job, contribute, be a better mother. I felt my mom was avoiding this all on purpose to piss him off, and to make me feel like the biggest burden in her life, the reason she couldn't. My Mom wanted support, emotionally, someone to understand. Their needs did not get met.

"You wanna know what it really is? I don't trust you." is what my Dad said to my Mom before she moved out. He didn't trust her from all the times she left him and my brother to go get drunk, be gone for days. Given my Mom has been sober 23 years, exactly when she was pregnant with me, those 18 years later he still did not trust her. My mom was trying to stay sober, and was so sick she could not raise me with complete attention, affection, and love. I put myself in her shoes, with an Ed, if I had a child now, would I be able to fully BE there for them? Will my Ed always be poking at me, trying to pull me away from complete care and love for a child? And to not replace the child as myself, ignoring my needs to stay out my Ed. I would never want to put a child, my child, in this situation.

Balance. I feel that huge urge to be perfect, and I don't even know what perfect is. There is no perfect, but I want there to be. Balance isn't perfect. You can although be mastered in anxiety and depression, with a side of OCD. You can not eat, you can shut yourself out from the world and others. My perfection looks like insanity-doing the same things over, and expecting a different result.

Last night, I slept 15 hours. After taking 3 xanax to calm me down, it did some good. I almost went out, to buy food, lots, eat it, pretend I'm okay with it, then purge it. The pills knocked me out before I could put anymore thought into getting up to go to the store. Not only that, I could actually physically feel what I would feel like if I had binged. I imagined it, and felt this cold, hard, sad rush in my body. That also stopped me too.

My Dad kept my mom and I in our house, to raise me, because he loved us. He still does. When not having trust in a relationship, things obviously can not work. He knew my Mom leaving with me meant many possible different father figures in my life, instability. My Mom was staying to get better, to seek a better relationship with my Dad. When it came down to it there was just to much past damage for it to work.

Mom, if you are reading this, I love you. You are a good person. It isn't any one's fault. As dysfunctional of a family we were, it was there, a family.

My Ed is shaped in many ways; my childhood, self image/self esteem, current thoughts and feelings about these things. I have suffered with every Ed, I have gone a few months without what felt like one-the time I lost all of 50lbs. But it was that foundation that my Ed really flourished on. Anyway that I eat now is dysfunctional. Eating/not eating triggers other parts of my Ed. It's complete madness.

I never wanted this to happen.

7 comments:

  1. Hey Sis,

    Good post! Its refreshing to see it all in front of you. The family relationship that is. It is rather dynamic, but in its own way it made us who we are. And its not wrong or shameful to come from a "broken" or "troubled" home. Some of the most influential people alive have come from a rough past. We learn and teach. Thats life's cycle! We just need to keep that in mind sometimes during our journey.

    Love ya!
    Jerk, Nerd, Idiot, and Butthead :-)

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  2. Scott, it is refreshing. Im so flustered it took me 22 years to finally see it for what it was.

    And, no, you're a jerk, nerd, idiot, butthead!

    HAHA love you.

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  3. Your first paragraph really hit me. I know exactly what you're talking about here. Sometimes, I feel so raw, like all my nerves are exposed to the elements, and the littlest things upset me or make me anxious. It's like, "no wonder I resorted to drastic measures to deal!" There is some kind of odd comfort in starving, but you and I both know that the "hate self" part remains...and, as counterintuitive as it is, undoing the behaviors (slowly, mind you) is the only way out. I'll be thinking of you. Trust me, I know it's hard...

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  4. Wow. My parents were just the opposite. My Dad has been sober since I was 4, and she has never let him forget it. EVER. And guess who's the alcoholic now?

    Mom.

    Yikes, I had to take 3 Klonopin to calm me down last night. We're sailing in the same boat.

    I applaud you for your honesty. You are an amazing person!

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  5. You are amazing. I can't get over how self-aware you are. Yes, it might be extremely exhausting sometimes, but at least you know why you feel what you do most of the time. I don't know what goes on in my head - you express how I feel before I even know what's going on!!

    Mine started (this time) from losing weight(eating healthy and working out) too. I just got sucked in and can't stop. :\
    I was a chubby kid and never really grew out of it. I'm terrified that if I start eating I will blow-up again. I'm afraid that without my strict rules that I won't be able to stop myself.

    Living - er, surviving this way is exhausting!
    Keep up the good work!

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  6. Kim, thank you so much. The feeling of exposure is so true, not only to the elements but feeling exposed in general, which is not what I ever want, but it happens cause its life. Undoing old coping mechanisms is the hardest in recovery-its the very hardwiring of my Ed.

    E, at least we're not alone in our boat! Thank you!

    Afterglow, self awareness is good to have, but if I'm aware I'm upset and can't immediately fix it, my awareness focuses completely on how shitty I feel, and I can't focus on anything else. Which leads to me blaming myself, thinking I did something wrong, etc. I can SO relate to the 'blowing up' fear. I have extremely black and white views on eating, blah.

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  7. The problem is I know that I have black/white thinking. I'm working on it, I really am, but after living 24 years this way, it's hard to change.

    I think we may be a little bit too alike :)

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