Thursday, March 19, 2009

Body Fight

I've been so up and down lately. Feeling okay, great, then completely in anguish about everything (aka my body). Why is my body everything to me? Why does it hold such a power over my life? I can mentally work on knowing its not, but the outside world enforces that our bodies are what speaks loudest.

While reading Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters, I'm observing how my adolescence seemed like a huge punishment, body morphing and developing, moods changing, hormones raging, uncontrollable occurrences happening with no say over it. Not only was my body changing and feeling like a reject of God, flawed in every way, I could find no answer to why and how to handle what was occurring.

Numerous doctor visits, screaming matches with my mom, diagnosis of PCOS, I had some inclination of my bodily functions, but still felt no kind of control over them. Puberty should have been enough, but adding PCOS on top of that fueled my self hatred to the max.

I had two appointments yesterday, with my therapist and psychiatrist. Meds are changing again-my level of anxiety sure feels like depression, since I feel I could crawl in bed and not move again. I'm back on Wellbutrin which gave me energy and motivation to do things, just on 150mg instead of 300mg since that amount aggravated my anxiety more. I'm slowly coming off Prozac while I'm adapting to Pristiq. Pills, pills, pills. I'm so not for them but its relevant I am in need of them in recovery.


  1. Hi, I've been reading your blog for awhile (lol, I feel like a stalker when I say that- swear I'm not!) and I just wanted to say that I identify with so much of what your write. At the moment I'm finding it EXTREMELY difficult to not focus on my body and how disgusted I am with it, and I was actually just (this week) diagnosed with PCOS :( Ick!

  2. Good luck Sarah. It turns out I'm allergic to wellbutrin - it gave me a rash. Now i'm not on anything until next week and i've tried that before. This makes me incredibly nervous.

    You know that it works for you, but make sure you stay on top of why you stopped taking it. Just be careful.

  3. yes, it is such a hard fight. it drives me nuts, myself - always having to calm myself down about my eating and body size.

    i've heard great, great things about pristiq. i so hope it works for you.

    i have huge mood swings. i spend a lot of time telling myself -- this too shall pass. and it really does.