I've been so up and down lately. Feeling okay, great, then completely in anguish about everything (aka my body). Why is my body everything to me? Why does it hold such a power over my life? I can mentally work on knowing its not, but the outside world enforces that our bodies are what speaks loudest.
While reading Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters, I'm observing how my adolescence seemed like a huge punishment, body morphing and developing, moods changing, hormones raging, uncontrollable occurrences happening with no say over it. Not only was my body changing and feeling like a reject of God, flawed in every way, I could find no answer to why and how to handle what was occurring.
Numerous doctor visits, screaming matches with my mom, diagnosis of PCOS, I had some inclination of my bodily functions, but still felt no kind of control over them. Puberty should have been enough, but adding PCOS on top of that fueled my self hatred to the max.
I had two appointments yesterday, with my therapist and psychiatrist. Meds are changing again-my level of anxiety sure feels like depression, since I feel I could crawl in bed and not move again. I'm back on Wellbutrin which gave me energy and motivation to do things, just on 150mg instead of 300mg since that amount aggravated my anxiety more. I'm slowly coming off Prozac while I'm adapting to Pristiq. Pills, pills, pills. I'm so not for them but its relevant I am in need of them in recovery.