Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Eating Disorder in Me

I'm not quite sure why sometimes I try. Try to explain myself in context to others, craving their complete understanding. When it comes down to it, no one quite knows what it's like being who you are. 

The conversation with M was all over the place. I don't think he, nor my Dad for that matter, really see my Ed as something affecting my life twenty-four seven. He knows its something I will deal with all my life, but seems to think it's just easy to control. How, it's just food, and doesn't understand how I can/can't eat when I do. I tell him some of the ways I act, show/don't show emotion, interact is in twined with my Ed. Growing up with an Ed most of my life, it has defined me. And at times it grips onto me so hard and can convince me I am a walking Eating Disorder. When I'm down, you can guess what I'm upset about. It's a big mess of emotions that presentably look like body and food problems, but in itself I can't get down to the real reason I'm down. This is all I can say while I know it is not my body nor food, but somehow these things are accountable in my miserable state. The indifference of my passing emotions does not feel stable and safe, while food and body are concrete in that objective I can control easily.

Any other addict makes sense to him, drugs for example. Food just seems to...boring? How can someone be addicted to that behavior? It might be like me telling him I'm addicted to a necessity, which I am. It's bizarre but that's what it is. 

Why am I at odds with how he sees my Ed? In limbo (recovery) my Ed behaviors may be at bay, but the emotions underneath I still have no idea to deal with (good and bad), and my Ed wants at every opportunity to strike with each one.

5 comments:

  1. Interesting thought on how parentals view the ED. Perhaps it IS b/c it's so common (food), that no one wants to worry.

    Sad, but truth well spoken here.

    I am always rooting for you, Sarah.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey,
    I feel the exact same way...it's so difficult to try and explain your thoughts (about food 24/7) and behaviors to people, it's very true that nobody can truly understand unless they've experienced it. If it's any consolation to you, I get it; we all do. I think the fear of people not understanding is why I haven't told my family about anything. Someday I hope it's all more understood...

    ReplyDelete
  3. you are absolutely right! take it from a drug addict, alcoholic and anorexic/bulimic. even my drug and alcohol counselors know NOTHING about eating disorders. EDs are something in and of themselves, and almost no one understands. everyone "gets" it when i'm not drinking. no one understands my eating issues.

    i find that men in particular get VERY confused. in my experience, most men just get lost when you try to explain. give yours time. he'll learn.

    eating disorders are the most complicated of all.

    i'm glad you posted this. it resonated!

    ReplyDelete
  4. This post nearly made me cry- I feel EXACTLY the same way as regards my ED and other people. I have become my ED in every way- through the worst times and through times of apparent recovery, it is there from waking to sleep CONSTANTLY and influences everything I do, even when I am displaying wellness. And the frustration from lack of other people understanding or grasping just how massive a deal it is, sometimes is what I attribute to never being able to make a complete recovery, including health proffessionals.Thank you for this post, I feel less alone knowing that someone else feels that way too- I just wish we could all find a complete cure from this hell.
    Take care, Luv Sar. Xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. sarah; there are really good days. as much as i whine, i have really, really good, easy days. many days now, i don't pay attention to what i eat. i bitterly resent the days and times that pull me back, perhaps because there are so many "normal" times.

    it really gets easier. yes, when i'm traveling for days with my brother, i get antsy about his constant eating. that's the worst of it -- traveling can set me back. but not always.

    sometimes now, i even have the great fortune to get... bored of my eating disorder, and i don't pay attention for a couple of days. can you imagine -- bored! if you'd told me that five years ago, i would have screamed at you.

    it is so very hard that no one "gets" how massive it is (except us!), but then it starts to get less massive.

    am i rambling or sounding preachy, or something? i hope not. i want to share hope. it gets better. it gets easier. i NEVER thought it would. it does.

    ReplyDelete