The conversation with M was all over the place. I don't think he, nor my Dad for that matter, really see my Ed as something affecting my life twenty-four seven. He knows its something I will deal with all my life, but seems to think it's just easy to control. How, it's just food, and doesn't understand how I can/can't eat when I do. I tell him some of the ways I act, show/don't show emotion, interact is in twined with my Ed. Growing up with an Ed most of my life, it has defined me. And at times it grips onto me so hard and can convince me I am a walking Eating Disorder. When I'm down, you can guess what I'm upset about. It's a big mess of emotions that presentably look like body and food problems, but in itself I can't get down to the real reason I'm down. This is all I can say while I know it is not my body nor food, but somehow these things are accountable in my miserable state. The indifference of my passing emotions does not feel stable and safe, while food and body are concrete in that objective I can control easily.
Any other addict makes sense to him, drugs for example. Food just seems to...boring? How can someone be addicted to that behavior? It might be like me telling him I'm addicted to a necessity, which I am. It's bizarre but that's what it is.
Why am I at odds with how he sees my Ed? In limbo (recovery) my Ed behaviors may be at bay, but the emotions underneath I still have no idea to deal with (good and bad), and my Ed wants at every opportunity to strike with each one.