The last few days have really been a turn around for me. I've come to terms with accepting I am in control of what I eat, in a positive non body-mind-soul abusive sort of way. Eating is a minute part of my life, and there is much more to out there for me. It used to look like this:
If I were feeling...
Anxious: Want to eat. Eat things not good for my condition (in terms of PCOS; ice cream, cookies, candy, chips, anything I knew was not healthy)
Angry: Want to eat.
Sad: Want to eat.
Happy: Want to eat, but would start to feel guilty for wanting food.
Guilty: Want to eat secretively, again junk food.
Basically any emotion would trigger my brain into a cycle of trying to think what I need to eat to feel better, stop that emotion. This was very automatic. I broke this cycle after the hospital, but in recent weeks sometimes it starts up again. I have to really take responsibility, pause, and gather my real thoughts. In the past when restricting, my emotions were so gone I just never wanted to eat. It was easier then. I'm learning to feed my emotions with something other than food. The big benefit of being able to feel and think clearly again is the ability to know that eating will not make it better.
Whenever it came to binges, I'd break my rule of my gluten/dairy free food. I'd say fuck it, if I'm going to eat a lot mine as well make it worth it. And of course I'd not only regret it because of the perceived 10lbs I would instantly gain, but because I knew it was not helping my PCOS. I'm really seeing now just how interconnected my Ed and PCOS are, and how fine a line it is with food. The biggest step for me was accepting it's okay that I don't eat like everyone else, to not feel like I have to eat pizza because everyone else is, or because someone asks me to. Honestly most of the time fear of weight was not the first thing in my mind when it comes to eating food. It's the affects from it. I'm allergic to gluten and intolerant to dairy, I've learned that. Once I was off these foods initially I felt so much better in terms of mind and body. More are sensitive to these two things than people may know.
I need to say though, at first I was proud of my new diet, that I had followed for PCOS. I embraced it, told others, spread the knowledge I was gathering about the affects of certain foods, and about PCOS in general. My final presentation in school was about PCOS. Then slowly over time I became embarrassed, ashamed of how I ate. Getting too many comments on how skinny I was, and how my diet was weird. I broke down when an ex of mine, who I was splitting up with said "The way you eat is fucked up. It's not normal." I started to believe it. I was more attentive to what I ate, always feeling shame with whatever I ate. Before when overweight I felt shame, and now that I was at a healthy weight, I still felt shame over eating. I couldn't win. I did not feel normal anymore. I had fear with whatever I ate, justifying it's ingredients and nutrients, and the amount I ate. I stopped telling people how I lost weight, afraid of judgement. I imploded on myself, switching between overeating, purging, restricting, confused on how to eat at all. Then slowly my Ed evolved and took full force.
I am not an Ed. I am not PCOS. I am not a diet. These do not define me. If my Ed voice can speak such evil volumes about myself and my body, I only look forward to how much power my real voice will speak for who I truly am.
I am proud of my weight loss. I am proud I am over coming an eating disorder now. I'm proud I've gone through this. I'm proud of who I am.