It's been a real mind battle lately, between recovery (being carefree with food, weight gain, anxiety about going overboard) and not recovering (isolating, food control, weight loss, rituals). This is a loose-loose situation, just because that's a complete black and white approach.
Since being in a relationship, working, being more 'out there', I've loosened my body/food standards, not on purpose or intentionally, more of a sense of trust in situations and myself. Its all too much a up and down ride because soon enough I'm agonizing over letting myself eat some fries, or eatting dinner after 8pm. This leads to immediate self hate, and either wanting to isolate, or say fuck it and eat junk whenever offered. The affects are showing, I've gained 15lbs since January, and please don't take this literally but, I wanna fucking die.
Where's my motivation, my will, my drive? Oh yeah I want to isolate and be alone so I can loose this weight. I lost all my weight before, in a healthy way, as a full time student and worker, and I was confident with myself. It seems since my ED evolved, it seems loosing/maintaining weight requires drastic actions, including me having a negitive image as an individual to drive me.
If I hate this battle so much, why am I always chasing it?