Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Better off Alone

It's been a real mind battle lately, between recovery (being carefree with food, weight gain, anxiety about going overboard) and not recovering (isolating, food control, weight loss, rituals). This is a loose-loose situation, just because that's a complete black and white approach.

Since being in a relationship, working, being more 'out there', I've loosened my body/food standards, not on purpose or intentionally, more of a sense of trust in situations and myself. Its all too much a up and down ride because soon enough I'm agonizing over letting myself eat some fries, or eatting dinner after 8pm. This leads to immediate self hate, and either wanting to isolate, or say fuck it and eat junk whenever offered. The affects are showing, I've gained 15lbs since January, and please don't take this literally but, I wanna fucking die.

Where's my motivation, my will, my drive? Oh yeah I want to isolate and be alone so I can loose this weight. I lost all my weight before, in a healthy way, as a full time student and worker, and I was confident with myself. It seems since my ED evolved, it seems loosing/maintaining weight requires drastic actions, including me having a negitive image as an individual to drive me.

If I hate this battle so much, why am I always chasing it?

4 comments:

  1. The old 'grass is always greener' theory, ya know?

    By jumping off the fence and choosing a 'side', we make a committment to where we want to be - and that's scary.

    Keep on fighting, dear.

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  2. So you'd rather be all alone and miserable, than out with people, LIVING your life so you can keep your ED in tact. Not that's not living.

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  3. i gain weight easily when i relax. i too wish to be alone, so i can be thin. when i stay at my apartment, i eat so lightly, and it shows on the scale. when i eat at my boyfriend's (which i usually do) we have real grown-up meals, and it shows on the scale.

    sometimes, i do enjoy a night or two alone in my apartment. but a part of it is knowing that i'll restrict and be happier in the morning.

    so weird, isn't it?

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  4. E- thanks hun. Its hard committing to a 'side', when I do, my brain likes to conjure up ideas about a different side of things, how to get there, and how it will finally be better. This is a cycle I need to stop.

    PTC- I sure know its not living, but its what is comfortable and safe to me. Its an addiction. The maintainance of recovery is more tourture than the disorder at times=/

    Lissy- It is weird, and such a guilty pleasure. Its self satisfying to feel that control, but so shameful at the same time knowing that something like restricting and loosing weight is exciting.

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