Monday, April 20, 2009

What's up

A month back or so, my entries became less and less, in frequency and content. I suppose I've been neglecting my reasons for not writing, but told myself I could suck it up and do without. Its more than one reason, and I do not want it to inhibit me from this form of therapy-writing-which has changed my recovery into something more life changing.

Knowing that I have many (family) members with access to this, well, can feel exposing. I have nothing to hide, but feel too much out there. Having my bf M have access, makes it even tougher to appear "okay" all the time, both literally and figuratively. I thought this blog was here so I could be real with myself, others in recovery, and not feel alone in my daily 'life altering' situations.

Having too many real-life-relationship readers, I at times, and apparently as of late, feel threatened and want to invert into myself again. What do I do? Hey Ma, Bro, M, don't read my blog anymore, I'm not trying to hide anything, I just feel more of a need to fake I'm okay knowing that you read it?

I miss this blog and others a great deal, so much that I can't fake I'm well enough without all the support and great people I've been lucky enough to acquire friendships with.

This past couple weeks or so, I've been feeling quite low about myself, in each aspect. Add to that a whole butt load of laziness. Too guilty to keep bitching and moaning, because, well "But Sarah you're so pretty, how can you think that?" When I say fat and ugly, it pertains not only to my exterior, but my interior as well. My surroundings are even fat and ugly. I need to take physical action on my problems, and I can't begin to do so without comprising of the real context of them through expressing myself here.

I want to come back. Saying this brings tears to my eyes.

4 comments:

  1. Hey Sarah!

    I've found myself in a bit of a simular situation. I have a couple of family members and 2 work collegues who sometimes take a look at mine and for this reason, I've found myself editing things I say and ending up not really communicating what I feel I need/ want to- which, like yourself, was one of the reasons I wanted to start blogging, to have support and get things off my chest within a community of others experiencing simular things- and now I can't tell them to stop reading!! To start out, I told them as I felt it would help me if they could see a little deeper into what actually goes in my head whilst the rest of life goes on around and no-one sees anything.
    Now I worry that they maybe weren't ready to hear a lot of what DOES go on inside me... an example for me is something that occured this weekend when I was away with my mom and she had no idea what I did re: a purge episode- and I SO need to share it- but my dad reads my blog. Difficult one. Take care hon. Xx

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  2. Sarah- I was just wondering what was going on with you. I think this is a lot of the reason that I don't have my personal blog - that and I don't know that I would really write. Others people's blog posts force me to be more honest with myself than I usually am. I'm great at avoiding!
    Hang in there and I hope you can figure out what you need to do to continue to be true to yourself!
    Thinking of you.

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  3. Yeah.
    I've only got one Real Life person who knows, and he's someone I trust completely--and he'd know all of what I post anyway. *sigh* It's no easy, though.

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  4. i have the same feelings. i was just thinking that i can't write anything i want because so many people i know read my blog. i just posted on my old blog, balancing the scales, hoping that my family won't look there.

    sorry you're feeling low. i go so in and out of moods and feelings. for a while, i was feeling really quite well. then i felt awful for a while. now, i'm in the middle, leaning toward good.

    i think some of the hardest part is keeping hope during the low times. and trusting that really -- we will feel better again.

    keep us posted.

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