A month back or so, my entries became less and less, in frequency and content. I suppose I've been neglecting my reasons for not writing, but told myself I could suck it up and do without. Its more than one reason, and I do not want it to inhibit me from this form of therapy-writing-which has changed my recovery into something more life changing.
Knowing that I have many (family) members with access to this, well, can feel exposing. I have nothing to hide, but feel too much out there. Having my bf M have access, makes it even tougher to appear "okay" all the time, both literally and figuratively. I thought this blog was here so I could be real with myself, others in recovery, and not feel alone in my daily 'life altering' situations.
Having too many real-life-relationship readers, I at times, and apparently as of late, feel threatened and want to invert into myself again. What do I do? Hey Ma, Bro, M, don't read my blog anymore, I'm not trying to hide anything, I just feel more of a need to fake I'm okay knowing that you read it?
I miss this blog and others a great deal, so much that I can't fake I'm well enough without all the support and great people I've been lucky enough to acquire friendships with.
This past couple weeks or so, I've been feeling quite low about myself, in each aspect. Add to that a whole butt load of laziness. Too guilty to keep bitching and moaning, because, well "But Sarah you're so pretty, how can you think that?" When I say fat and ugly, it pertains not only to my exterior, but my interior as well. My surroundings are even fat and ugly. I need to take physical action on my problems, and I can't begin to do so without comprising of the real context of them through expressing myself here.
I want to come back. Saying this brings tears to my eyes.