It's so effing hot today. 91 last that I knew. And I'm at work till 7pm of course. Afterwards M and I are going to Borders to pick up the book I ordered, Purge. I read good reviews so far. Has anyone read it?
I had therapy today and lately its been very bland, our conversations seem lost in themselves. I've taken notice on when I'm feeling well and in a good space. I'm able to reach out for help when I'm upset, I'm eating well and active. But I feel misplaced being there. I've come to associate going to therapy with still being deep in my problems, time to vent, feel hopeless, and leave with some hope or new drive. Now when I go in I feel pressure to dig into my brain, try to think of something wrong, or something that might go wrong, or even worse turn something into a negative. I've conditioned myself this way, and L sees how hard it is for me to come into therapy naturally beaming and talking about dreams and aspirations, which I'm just not that type to boast about wonderful things so freely, especially when I know its 'therapy' and I feel the obligation to come in to 'fix' or figure out something. What if there's nothing to figure out? How about I just come when I hit rock bottom? I said this to her, laughing, but kinda serious at the same time.
I feel as though when asked, "How does that make you feel?" "What do you think about so and so doing/saying that?" "What made you decide that?" It comes across so vague too me, and whilst in my "therapy mode" I try and probe it, pick it apart and see whats 'wrong' with the situation. As like in Jeopardy, she gives the answer but I don't even friggin know the question. My part in this is to let go of the image that still being in therapy means I'm never going to get better, and I've ask of L to be more assertive, have mental/behavioral exercises, and to let me know what she believes I'm still struggling with and jump on it.
Any good advice, or know of a good sites with therapy exercises that have helped in recovery for you? L is looking in on this as well, and I am too. I know talking is not enough for me now, and my problems and issues are not as obvious and so easy to pinpoint, that they need to come out in other ways (like my blogging!) I float around enough with thoughts in my head all day, and I find no use of it for me doing that in therapy.