Saturday, May 16, 2009

Swaying Indecisions

As with a lot of things, I'm indecisive, laundry today, or tomorrow? Whites first? Hot or cold? Change the cat litter while I'm downstairs or do that last? The simplest tasks can become essay questions to me that put pressure on me like its the final exam and I didn't study.

Tonight, I took Layla out of her cage (I have two pet rats, btw). I thought it would be nice to give her a snack. I thought, well why not cheese itz? I'm sure rats love those.

Wait, no, those aren't good for you. Refined wheat and additives. I wouldn't eat them.

Wait, what? She's a RAT, she doesn't give a damn, it's food. Why should I decide if she can or cannot eat a friggin cheese it?

My ED transferred onto my pet. I've noticed this before, with my cat, checking the ingredients of her cat food. Checking ingredients of what my family eats. Feeling wrong when giving my nephew chips or a treat he asks for. Feeling disgusted as my boyfriend has a hamburger and fries from McDonald's.

Feeling crazy I have this much thought into not just what I eat, but what others put in their mouths too. Aside from this, my swaying thoughts are more about myself and my acts for recovery. I'm reading this great book that addresses food addiction; 1/3 of my ED. It involves the 12 steps as in AA, and makes complete sense. Abstaining from certain foods, which I already do, but the nail in the head was the "substituting" of trigger foods, like with soy ice cream, gluten free cookies, tortilla chips, etc. Just passing my 'healthy enough test.' Convincing myself these are acceptable, even healthy, is a load of crap. If it's good for me, why not eat a lot, just like eating a bunch of broccoli? I'll convince myself its no big deal. Not because they aren't a good alternative, its because they trigger my food addiction, and my brain knows it. Lots of processed foods contain chemicals, aka "drugs" to food addicts, which trigger a binge, or over eating. Even 'healthy' alternatives, gluten/dairy free products, can trigger a binge. This would be bad for me since I have been tempted to purge even acceptable amounts of these foods. The other part of me is so pissed I've gained weight recently, it wants me to starve. Either way I cannot continue to eat these triggering foods. Especially since I am noticing my eating is from emotions or boredom.

Abstinence is huge for me, and so is finding balance so I do not cut out every food group and become fearful of eating altogether again. I think it is so critical I work on this part of my ED as well, because only focusing on the "not starving myself" part leaves me jumping to the other side-gluttony.

One decision is clear, I'm sick of swaying. I want balance and my body is screaming for it.

1 comment:

  1. i just wish that food could more like -- just food. it's so powerful, isn't it? drives me nuts.

    good luck with all you're doing. you are one of the hardest working people!