I'm feeling much better today. It might have to do with the fact I woke upon 1:30 PM. That surprised me. M came over last night after we had a long talk. He knew I was not okay, after I directed him to 'read me blog' after I couldn't speak of what was up, and he called me right after. I sobbed through our phone conversation, feeling so guilty for the torn feelings on what was happening. I couldn't get out enough saying how horrible it (ED) is, how it feeds on isolation and being kept a secret. I still do not think he understands how hard it is for me to reach out for help. My biggest fear is that after reaching out, I will still be consumed to carry out an ED behavior, and then it will show, once and for all, that hope is lost for me. There's no scale which can measure how pissed this makes me. So I instantly surrender. I can describe it only like a demon is inside me telling me to give up and that I deserve this pain I feel I try so hard to avoid. This is when I feel crazy, so reaching out means letting others see this, and I don't want them to.
M offered everything and anything to help me. I cried when he offered to take me out to buy me all my safe (foods I need to be eating, not binge foods) foods until Friday, to go to the gym with me, to call me a million times a day when needed. I don't want to disappoint him, so I feel I have been protecting him by not telling him how much I've been repeatedly harming myself with going back to exactly what brought me to the hospital.
I won't go back, I won't load back up on medications. I won't go see doctors and repeat all this again. Why? Because I KNOW what I need to do. I have it all. M said this to me, he said I know exactly what I need to do, and how to do it. How I have come this far, have so much to be alive for. This shined the light on my own self pity, my hunger to be isolated, to be ignored. I won't do that anymore.