Friday, June 26, 2009

Sick of it All

I've been M.I.A. for some time, part of me knows I'm in denial that I'm not doing well. I convince myself, let me just slip today, and I'll give it my all starting tomorrow. I'll blog tomorrow, I'll dive into recovery, all the exercises that shine the light on what's keeping me in ED's grip. When I'm thin enough then I'll enjoy life and be happy. To know all this will not bring me forward at all, yet believing it will, well I guess I'm insane then.

So I feel a few confessions I need to come out. I've been abusing laxatives again. I sleep and isolate when feeling triggered to binge. I've put bruises on my body, beating the emotion of feeling like a fat stupid bitch in far enough that maybe I'll finally get it and stop eating so much. I'm not happy, and I have no energy to put into healthy activity. If I'm not sleeping all my mind and body can handle is to constantly think of food, what to eat, if to eat, and then if laxatives need to be used. I'M FUCKING SICK OF THIS. How did I let myself fall back so far? This insidious inconsistency in my mind body and spirit is too much to bare. Part of me feels my recovery is slipping uncontrollably away from me, and part believes this behavior is voluntary to punish the ugly person I always will be.

5 comments:

  1. Time to step up and get some more help, Sarah...before you slip further down the hole. You can do it!

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  2. (((hugs))) Sarah...

    I didn't realise how much I used, "Well there's always tomorrow", until a friend brought it to my attention. Just like a New Year's resolution.

    Today is a new day. Let's just focus on that - and not berate ourselves for what happened yesterday or what we 'could' accomplish tomorrow if we really tried.

    You ARE amazingly beautiful, inside and out.
    <3,
    e

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  3. you hit the nail right on the head when you named your blod "ed deception" cause that's what ed is. A deciever! Ed wants you to believe that starving yourself will make you feel better. That obsessing about food/weight/calories is the only possible way to live. That you can't be happy without being unhealthy. You know this is all a lie! Try to figure out what is really going on with you right now; why you are turning to these coping mechanisms. Recovery is not easy, but niether is life with ED.
    (hugs)

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  4. I remember reading some women talk about how great recovery was and feeling so flabbergasted. I was thinking this is not GREAT - This is awful! I feel like I'm being ripped in half from the constant static in my head between Sick Voices and Healthy Voices and my desire to be oh so engrossed in The Endless Quest For Thin...
    And the self talk can be so brutal...It is amazing how we say mean things to ourselves..things we would NEVER say to another human being.
    I think what the women were saying was that EVENTUALLY it does get easier and it feels wonderful to be out of the grip of ED. I just could not even imagine it. Recovery can be a long hard battle but sooo worth the fight. You are doing great to recognize where you are slipping and to ask for help, that is one way to be true and fight the deception. Take care!
    s

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  5. PTC, I finally did reach out, and thats the hardest step to take.

    E, thank you for your words, they are always helpful

    Lisa, I've came to what was bothing me, and a huge weight (anger/pity/frustration) was lifted just from finally addressing it, even if I couldn't fix it immediately.

    Saa, I so agree with you, and some days I am that woman that talks about how great recovery is. I think though if I didn't have those days I wouldn't be able to make it through the bad ones. My ED expects me to be able to never have bad days, and if I do then everything is worth nothing. Once that cycle starts its hard to reach out for clarity that everyone feels like shit sometimes, and that theres other healthy ways to get through it.

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