Monday, August 24, 2009

Feeling Amess

I need to jump aboard the honesty train, not that I haven't been honest, technically I'm just keeping mum about yucky feelings that nag me during the day. Those one's that bring me down, make me feel weak and useless-so I ignore it to feel strong. Which is only a temporary fix that does more harm them good.

I've gained a substantial amount of weight in comparison to my lowest weight. I'm still in a healthy weight range for my body type and height, but don't like it. All my clothes don't fit right. I subconsciously blame it on the "relationship comfort" but that's not at all fair to Matthew (I'll be using full names now, I'm a-o-k with it). I can continue in a sense, blaming him for why I'm up X amount of pounds, but that doesn't help or fix my issues with my weight. I've gone into this irrational fear I will never loose this weight, and that I'll gain more, and tragically I'll end up back where I was 3 years ago-nearly obese. So I worry, with my mental scare tactics, and panic thinking the solution is to just break up with Matthew and that will make it better. He knows all about this, and made a good point I couldn't see. He isn't my eating disorder. I cannot take it out on him. I will not take it out on him. He notices I use punishment type methods to loose weight, which is what I'm used to. That makes me a pretty miserable type of person if you are around me. No fun and games, no smiling, all seriousness. Matthew sees this as crazy and its frustrating at times cause I want to be hard on myself, and of course he doesn't want me to feel that way. He like anyone else doesn't want to be around a mopey person.

I've got to work hard. Work hard on keeping healthy, working out, being happy, positive, reach out. I need to know this will be the key to loosing my pounds I gained. These are the reasons I lost weight in the first place (before ED reared it's ugly head). Because honestly looking back I put on the pounds because deep down I didn't feel I deserved everything I had, and I used eating to ease boredom, doubt, and confusion. This time ED is going to be in the back corner trying to get me anytime it can, but God, I have put so much time and effort into working with my ED, that I need to trust I can do it again without falling into that end again (Anorexia).

Thank you Erika, for nominating me as one of the blogs you see as brilliant. You know for sure you are in my top of all time. I'm sorry I've been a lazy ass and have not sent you that book, and I'm going to put it in my calender so it will get done!


  1. it is SO hard to find a healthy, happy weight without falling into odd behaviors. i'm trying to figure out how to maintain where i am, but not to start restricting and becoming crazy about my weight, my scale, my food intake.

    it IS a lot of work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm feeling it's worth it.

  2. Keep fighting ED. Tell yourself that you're eating for nourishment! To survive. It's what you need. :) Good luck!