Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Busy Month

This month will for sure be a busy one, and I hope and pray to God I can handle it without resorting to mindless eating. If it's not one thing it's another when it comes to my ED. I've experienced/had every ED there is, and currently I'm working on staying out of the over eating spectrum.

I'm obviously not staying in touch with my feelings and emotions when the thought to munch on something yummy pops up when I'm not even hungry. It's painful because it reminds me so much of my childhood, when my mom was not emotionally there for me, and I turned to food to numb whatever was on my mind. And now having gained some weight since Matthew and I have been together makes it that much more uncomfortable and painful. I'm not liking my body and am especially not comfortable having someone show affection and desire towards it. I need to have patience, and focus on activities rather than food, what and when I'm eating. I know when I make my main focus food, my anxiety shoots up, my mind freezes, and I think the only way to ease the stress is to eat.

I need to blog more, and read blogs more. It so helps and I know it. I need to make this important time for me. I am not in therapy anymore. Laying in bed all day on my days off waiting for my anxiety and what I'd blatantly call my pissy-screw-life-I'm-fat mood to just disappear, isn't realistic or productive.

So as of October 1st, me and my love will be in our own place. I'm excited, nervous, anxious, happy, grateful. I need to take things slow and steady, and keep reminding myself it takes time to find and look for places, packing, unpacking, settling in. It will be OK.


  1. Think of this month as a fresh, new start! ED doesn't even have to pop up once. Try writing notes to yourself and reading them whenever you have an ED related urge, be it binging, purging, restricting, etc... It WILL help, trust me. :)

  2. I know moving in together comes with a lot of emotion. It's a big step. I think it's great that you're staying aware of your eating, too! You're right -- it will be OK :)

  3. I understand the feeling of wanting to lie in bed all day - I end up committing to it most of the time! But I am fighting it a little each day by forcing myself outside. Even if it's just to go to the bank.

    It's amazing how it lifts my mood....


  4. Yep bloging can help put your mind in order. Or least reveal the crazy. And reading them help's me too. I feel a little more connected.

    Trust your body but over eating every now and then will not make you fat. Trust your body. That's what my shrink tell's me. I'm not sure I believe that you try it and let me know if it works.

    Good luck in the new place!

  5. Blogging helps me sooo much when I am struggling! It has saved my ass more than once.
    I get the feeling about not being comfortable about weight. I am waaay out of my comfort zone weight wise, but just trying not to think about it and trying to focus on being healthy. It's hard because part of me really believes that if I'm not hyper vigilant I will just let myself go and get really big. i am just starting to try to trust my body and myself with food.
    Congratulations on the new place! I hope it works out!

  6. congrats on the new living arrangements! it's really exciting. i found it a little nerve-wracking too.

    have you considered swinging by the therapists for a check-in. i, myself, can't imagine living without therapy.

    i'll bet your bf loves you and your body unconditionally. can you try to see yourself thru his eyes? is it possible you don't need to lose weight at all?

    hey, look who's talking. my sweetie would love me with more pounds. i'm the one tormenting myself!

    imagine a life without ED!

  7. Just checking out your blog. :) It's great. How did the move go? Congrats.

    I'm a recovered individual myself. The journey's a hard one, but you seem like a confident and sweet person who will make it. Take care.