Friday, October 30, 2009

Lazy Day

I don't feel much like myself lately. Adjusting to these medications could be why but I'm going through the motions. Insurance refused to cover Pristiq, and instead said they would cover Cymbalta, which I'm hearing is basically the same thing. With Wellbutrin alone, my anxiety is too elevated, and when I say anxiety I don't mean irrational worrying, it's more of not being able to sit still, extreme leg shaking and I seem to trip over my words which I never do (It feels like my tongue got stuck to the roof of my mouth) Having the antidepressant added brings these down a considerable amount.

Other than that I have no appetite, which I'm not complaining. I'm nauseous sometimes, and get headaches, until I eat something. It's hard to eat when you don't feel hungry. Thankfully I am not experiencing any insomnia as of yet, which makes me very happy. I've lost weight, and Matthew has noticed. I am too afraid to go on the scale. I just want more than anything to be at my normal (healthy) weight that I was even before my ED started. And I want more than anything to have a healthy regulated appetite that doesn't consist of crazy thoughts of extreme eating or restricting. least I'm feeling this way now, but it took me going back on medications, which makes me feel loony. More on this later I suppose...

I feel kind of blah right now. Day off, want to clean the apartment, go to the gym. But this big leather coach, and having wireless Internet finally working on my laptop again (after 4 months of not working!) I feel attached to sitting here and browsing the net for a while.


Saturday, October 17, 2009

Life's a Marry-go-round

I'm back again. I suck at writing on a consistent basis, but I desperately want to urge to again. So now at this moment I have the urge, probably because of recent happenings.

I've been a miserable mess, and not that I couldn't see it or was denying it, I was only denying myself help. I would try and pray away my pain and horrible thoughts of wishing to die, but everyday still brought the same feelings. Everyday brought a tougher time trying to get out of bed and find a reason to even shower. I've realized my weight gain over the past months has been because of my depression. I relieved the depression the only way I knew how (well the only thing that would actually work temporarily) by eating. Nothing else worked. Forcing myself to read books, spending time with friends and family, etc). Even when doing things I used to enjoy I could not shake the miserable dread I felt all through my body, and the uncontrollable urge to eat. I was hating myself more and more everyday. My OCD was coming back in attempt to alive the anxiety, which only aggravated it more.

I was so sick of myself and how I felt, but had no desire or will to do anything about it. Writing that sentence makes me wanna cry, the pure frustration from this made me feel so helpless.

My boyfriend become so concerned about me, he went to my Dad and Gail, and shortly I received a call from Gail asking how I was. And of course I broke down. I called the doctor and made an appointment to get me back on medications. If I hadn't gotten that push I don't know where I'd be right now.

Thankfully since I've had a psychiatrist before, I know which mix of meds I need. At the time I can't go back to her since my insurance does not cover her services. I asked to be back on the Wellbutrin XL 150mg, and Pristiq 50mg. I was not ready for what my doctor informed me though.

Wellbutrin is covered on my insurance, but Pristiq isn't. And problem is there is no generic of it, which would be covered for me. Pristiq is $141 A MONTH. I started crying, and my doctor sent in a PA to try and get it covered. They denied. So now I have to wait until my Doctor gets back on the 23rd so she can personally call them, and hopefully they will. The only reason I got it free before is because my psychiatrist had weekly samples of it, and just gave me 4 at a time since she knew I wasn't covered.

Wellbutrin gets in your system fairly quickly, so I'm feeling relief already, and THANK GOD. The big difference is I'm feeling energy and desire to do stuff again. My doctor assured me not to feel bad that I had to come back to medications, and that going off them before might have been just to soon. (Cause soon as you feel happy are fine, you think its time to get off them...which in my case was not a good idea).

I also want to find a therapist. I would go to my old one, but honestly I just feel she was not hitting issues I needed to work on. In better terms I didn't feel she was aggressive enough in questions, and didn't offer exercises, and was not focusing on my ED like I wanted. I mostly talked and half the time I didn't know what to talk about. I guess I'm saying I need more guidance in my recovery. I'm going to contact the hospital I went to, and ask which therapists they know around that will take the insurance I have.

I feel victorious and at the same time a failure, that I'm back to where I was last year before I went to the hospital. This shit sucks.