Thursday, March 26, 2009

Recovery

I have been at work almost an hour, and its been dead so far. This month of March I've done poorly with commission and I'm convinced it's because this month of the year is always wacky for me. February I kicked ass-beating the other part timer who's been here 8 months.

Read blogs yesterday, threw out a few comments. I don't mind whether I get a comment back when I comment of course, I enjoy the benefit of of speaking my mind to another persons views, whether relating or otherwise which is often helpful for them and myself. I'm behind on responding to those who have commented on my posts as of late, which I don't know if I'll get to, but I'm working on that. Having an ongoing conversation after the fact, gets my mind working more on recovery. Feedback of any kind helps tremendously.

Not too much action otherwise. I was very humbled yesterday and E spoke her truth about where she has been with recovery. With that I need to admit is that, I had been using the scale (decided today it needs to go) browse websites for thin images, and some isolation and attempts to protect my Ed)

So, thank you E. It's a reminder I not only need to be honest to myself, but to everyone as well to move forward in recovery.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Affirmation This

I'm not one for affirmations, but the one I came up with really helps my anxiety and smacks me back into reality.

Worrying about:
Past=Excuses (regret, analyzing, not forgiving self)
Future=Fear (repeating mistakes, failure, uncertainty)

But, there is only is, and will ever be:
The Present, and what I make of it. If I'm content in my present, dealing with anxieties rationally, taking care of myself, doing things to my best ability, then that's enough. Its enough to just be in the present itself, but yet its so easy to flip back and fourth between the past and future thoughts as if they were the only thing that determines who I am.

Forgiving others is easy, myself, not so much. It's extremely vital I do so in that I can remain present and begin to enjoy myself. Thinking of the future only adds anxiety, and sets me up for disappointment if things do not turn out as expected. This "slump" I went through for the past month, I view as my body rebelling my strict routine and expectations. In my mind I hated this, but my body was screaming "LET ME!" Whether I sat on my butt, watched TV, or ate after 7pm, it's still going to be okay.

The question less asked, and even answered is, "What do you want?" Not tending to my needs, immediate or otherwise, automatically my subconscious gets anxious, something is not right. Whether I just need to voice "Hey I don't like that." Or if I accept to do a favor I don't have time for, I need to at least vocalize this. I have a tendency to keep all thoughts internal, and as with anything that builds up, the space it takes leaves less room for other things that are important to me.

Every days a new day, and that's the way it will always be.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Body Fight

I've been so up and down lately. Feeling okay, great, then completely in anguish about everything (aka my body). Why is my body everything to me? Why does it hold such a power over my life? I can mentally work on knowing its not, but the outside world enforces that our bodies are what speaks loudest.

While reading Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters, I'm observing how my adolescence seemed like a huge punishment, body morphing and developing, moods changing, hormones raging, uncontrollable occurrences happening with no say over it. Not only was my body changing and feeling like a reject of God, flawed in every way, I could find no answer to why and how to handle what was occurring.

Numerous doctor visits, screaming matches with my mom, diagnosis of PCOS, I had some inclination of my bodily functions, but still felt no kind of control over them. Puberty should have been enough, but adding PCOS on top of that fueled my self hatred to the max.

I had two appointments yesterday, with my therapist and psychiatrist. Meds are changing again-my level of anxiety sure feels like depression, since I feel I could crawl in bed and not move again. I'm back on Wellbutrin which gave me energy and motivation to do things, just on 150mg instead of 300mg since that amount aggravated my anxiety more. I'm slowly coming off Prozac while I'm adapting to Pristiq. Pills, pills, pills. I'm so not for them but its relevant I am in need of them in recovery.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters

I'm updating even though I don't really know what I want to talk about. This happens to me in therapy, when I arrive I'm at loss for what I feel about things. Last few days have been okay, the only real upset is my body perception-funny how that one thing can dominate every aspect. More frustrating that I can see this and how impossible it feels to ignore.

I have been reading Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters. In all my Ed reading material I've come across and read, I have never found a better book that I can whole heartily feel connected to, think yes! that's exactly it. Not that it simplifies the disorder, but her writing makes the issue more concrete, and palpable no matter the cause of the Ed. I'm so drawn in by how the author depicts the mentality of generations of women, with the opposing forces between our dreams, beliefs, desires, fears, and our need for unreachable perfection. Anyone that denies this epidemic for a quest in perfection is lying. Whether its about weight, career, relationships, education, appearance, I believe woman today are trying to be the best in all of these-at once. I highly recommend this book to everyone.

I'm pretty beat, so I will end this short. It's been pretty shitty my lack of energy, but I think since Spring is coming soon it will soon change.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Eating Disorder in Me

I'm not quite sure why sometimes I try. Try to explain myself in context to others, craving their complete understanding. When it comes down to it, no one quite knows what it's like being who you are. 

The conversation with M was all over the place. I don't think he, nor my Dad for that matter, really see my Ed as something affecting my life twenty-four seven. He knows its something I will deal with all my life, but seems to think it's just easy to control. How, it's just food, and doesn't understand how I can/can't eat when I do. I tell him some of the ways I act, show/don't show emotion, interact is in twined with my Ed. Growing up with an Ed most of my life, it has defined me. And at times it grips onto me so hard and can convince me I am a walking Eating Disorder. When I'm down, you can guess what I'm upset about. It's a big mess of emotions that presentably look like body and food problems, but in itself I can't get down to the real reason I'm down. This is all I can say while I know it is not my body nor food, but somehow these things are accountable in my miserable state. The indifference of my passing emotions does not feel stable and safe, while food and body are concrete in that objective I can control easily.

Any other addict makes sense to him, drugs for example. Food just seems to...boring? How can someone be addicted to that behavior? It might be like me telling him I'm addicted to a necessity, which I am. It's bizarre but that's what it is. 

Why am I at odds with how he sees my Ed? In limbo (recovery) my Ed behaviors may be at bay, but the emotions underneath I still have no idea to deal with (good and bad), and my Ed wants at every opportunity to strike with each one.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Checking In

I'm here! I've been doing well, last night M and I had a big conversation pertaining my Ed. I will get into it later, but I felt very exposed afterwords like I had shown a part of me better off hidden.

We are about to go out to dinner with M and his parents (who I'm meeting for the first time) I will blog either tonight or tomorrow morning.

Love you all, and hope everyone is well!

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Pride

The last few days have really been a turn around for me. I've come to terms with accepting I am in control of what I eat, in a positive non body-mind-soul abusive sort of way. Eating is a minute part of my life, and there is much more to out there for me. It used to look like this:

If I were feeling...
Anxious: Want to eat. Eat things not good for my condition (in terms of PCOS; ice cream, cookies, candy, chips, anything I knew was not healthy)
Angry: Want to eat.
Sad: Want to eat.
Happy: Want to eat, but would start to feel guilty for wanting food.
Guilty: Want to eat secretively, again junk food.

Basically any emotion would trigger my brain into a cycle of trying to think what I need to eat to feel better, stop that emotion. This was very automatic. I broke this cycle after the hospital, but in recent weeks sometimes it starts up again. I have to really take responsibility, pause, and gather my real thoughts. In the past when restricting, my emotions were so gone I just never wanted to eat. It was easier then. I'm learning to feed my emotions with something other than food. The big benefit of being able to feel and think clearly again is the ability to know that eating will not make it better.

Whenever it came to binges, I'd break my rule of my gluten/dairy free food. I'd say fuck it, if I'm going to eat a lot mine as well make it worth it. And of course I'd not only regret it because of the perceived 10lbs I would instantly gain, but because I knew it was not helping my PCOS. I'm really seeing now just how interconnected my Ed and PCOS are, and how fine a line it is with food. The biggest step for me was accepting it's okay that I don't eat like everyone else, to not feel like I have to eat pizza because everyone else is, or because someone asks me to. Honestly most of the time fear of weight was not the first thing in my mind when it comes to eating food. It's the affects from it. I'm allergic to gluten and intolerant to dairy, I've learned that. Once I was off these foods initially I felt so much better in terms of mind and body. More are sensitive to these two things than people may know.

I need to say though, at first I was proud of my new diet, that I had followed for PCOS. I embraced it, told others, spread the knowledge I was gathering about the affects of certain foods, and about PCOS in general. My final presentation in school was about PCOS. Then slowly over time I became embarrassed, ashamed of how I ate. Getting too many comments on how skinny I was, and how my diet was weird. I broke down when an ex of mine, who I was splitting up with said "The way you eat is fucked up. It's not normal." I started to believe it. I was more attentive to what I ate, always feeling shame with whatever I ate. Before when overweight I felt shame, and now that I was at a healthy weight, I still felt shame over eating. I couldn't win. I did not feel normal anymore. I had fear with whatever I ate, justifying it's ingredients and nutrients, and the amount I ate. I stopped telling people how I lost weight, afraid of judgement. I imploded on myself, switching between overeating, purging, restricting, confused on how to eat at all. Then slowly my Ed evolved and took full force.

I am not an Ed. I am not PCOS. I am not a diet. These do not define me. If my Ed voice can speak such evil volumes about myself and my body, I only look forward to how much power my real voice will speak for who I truly am.

I am proud of my weight loss. I am proud I am over coming an eating disorder now. I'm proud I've gone through this. I'm proud of who I am.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Holding Myself Accountable

To "set in stone" I am bringing fourth a proclamation that will 1; make recovery more straightforward, and 2; will leave no room for excuses cause I made the damn statements.

1. Follow my dietary plan to treat/help my PCOS symptoms. No gluten (found out I'm allergic, I get hives, yay...) No dairy, only low GI Index /processed (for blood sugar). Plenty of veggies, fruits, nuts, and lean animal protein. This is do-able, it's been done, and done with out ED behaviors. I need to respect this just as much as I need to respect my need to nourish myself, because food needs to be there to support and heal my body, not my feelings.

2. Make every attempt possible to not eat alone. To not feel out of place, or guilty if my food is not the same as others at meal times.

3. Always grocery shop with someone (M, Dad, G, etc...) Prepare and stick to needed list before going.

4. Express my emotions even when they are not directly pertained to "food" or my "body" or how I "look." These are only the symptoms of what is bothering me.

Based on my last two appointments, new grasp on my anxiety, and the feelings with myself and family, I see committing to the above crucial in embracing my continued recovery/life with as minimal inflicted pain as possible. These are my top priorities in recovery right now.

P.S. Love myself, be an individual and express myself, cause there will never be another me=)

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Communication Heals

The last couple of weeks have gone by in much like a foggy haze-moments I'd rather forget, some I can't remember straight. 

Therapy, which is one part of my support team, is like a validating kick in the face (which I need often) that I'm okay and it's not my body or the food that is the problem. My psychiatrist L asked me today, as I was anxiously shaking my legs, "What do you think has been bringing on all this anxiety?" I reply with smugly with "I really think its the food." She laughed and I did too, knowing that's the easiest way to look at it but it's not what is causing my emotions to go whack. Part of me really thinks it's the food that causes anxiety-which in my case with PCOS and my gluten/dairy free diet it does affect. I started talking about things, my thoughts on how I feel about the relationship with my Dad, my eagerness to leave the house, and the lack of support I feel in recovery at home. Outside of my therapists I solely rely on myself-and of course up until recently my blog and other bloggers, which I believe has kept me in my recovery. Its extremely vital to me to have the support of everyone going through the same emotions, struggles, and revelations and for some unknown reason I've been slacking on this vital support. My mind believes once I'm doing well, I can skip this and that, miss a day of blogging, etc, and that I'll be able handle things just as well. Well, nope I can't.

As weird as this might be to say I need all of you. I need your support. I need your comments. I need you to continue to write on your blogs. Good or bad days please be there, I need to know that I'm not alone in this isolating disease. I need you all to know how much all of you mean to me in my life, my recovery. 

My medictions were adjusted today, I'm slowly going to come down on my Prozac, and have been prescribed to Pristiq, which is targeted towards the neurotransmitters Prozac doesn't affect in lessening my anxiety. Apparently my anxiety is not in control, which I could see that being possible, since I've been very conditioned to being anxious most of the time, and not wanting to admit anything is wrong. Pristiq is a lot like Wellbutrin, but while on Wellbutrin I was more motivated, my anxiety made me feel manic. I've been off that for a while now and do notice a difference.

The bf's rubbing my feet I must go now=)

Reminder to Self

Will be posting tonight-there is a lot I need to share, and just needed to post this so I will get on my behind to do it and not forget=P

Love to each and everyone one of you who read, or whose blog I read as well=)