Thursday, April 30, 2009

Yum

I've got the most killer hiccups-maybe had too much wine. I'm only half way through my second glass. It's delicious, something I haven't tried. It's white Merlot and very light and fruity.

M came over tonight and watch a movie with me, rubbed my feet, and assured me he understood my mentality. (I had a talk with him about how I felt at a time that I should just break up with him, spare him, isolate myself, just to loose the added weight that's been driving me nuts). He supports me in the loosing weight area, since he knows I've been eating just to look normal in front of him, even when I wasn't the least bit hungry-which triggered me hugely. It's complicated with a mix of anorexia, bulimia, orthorexia, and binge eating. Majorly confused doesn't even cover it when I'm in the midst of a meltdown, or slip, or I should say situation when food and my body have turned into the 'issue' when it's really something else.

Honesty is the best policy.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Better off Alone

It's been a real mind battle lately, between recovery (being carefree with food, weight gain, anxiety about going overboard) and not recovering (isolating, food control, weight loss, rituals). This is a loose-loose situation, just because that's a complete black and white approach.

Since being in a relationship, working, being more 'out there', I've loosened my body/food standards, not on purpose or intentionally, more of a sense of trust in situations and myself. Its all too much a up and down ride because soon enough I'm agonizing over letting myself eat some fries, or eatting dinner after 8pm. This leads to immediate self hate, and either wanting to isolate, or say fuck it and eat junk whenever offered. The affects are showing, I've gained 15lbs since January, and please don't take this literally but, I wanna fucking die.

Where's my motivation, my will, my drive? Oh yeah I want to isolate and be alone so I can loose this weight. I lost all my weight before, in a healthy way, as a full time student and worker, and I was confident with myself. It seems since my ED evolved, it seems loosing/maintaining weight requires drastic actions, including me having a negitive image as an individual to drive me.

If I hate this battle so much, why am I always chasing it?

Monday, April 20, 2009

What's up

A month back or so, my entries became less and less, in frequency and content. I suppose I've been neglecting my reasons for not writing, but told myself I could suck it up and do without. Its more than one reason, and I do not want it to inhibit me from this form of therapy-writing-which has changed my recovery into something more life changing.

Knowing that I have many (family) members with access to this, well, can feel exposing. I have nothing to hide, but feel too much out there. Having my bf M have access, makes it even tougher to appear "okay" all the time, both literally and figuratively. I thought this blog was here so I could be real with myself, others in recovery, and not feel alone in my daily 'life altering' situations.

Having too many real-life-relationship readers, I at times, and apparently as of late, feel threatened and want to invert into myself again. What do I do? Hey Ma, Bro, M, don't read my blog anymore, I'm not trying to hide anything, I just feel more of a need to fake I'm okay knowing that you read it?

I miss this blog and others a great deal, so much that I can't fake I'm well enough without all the support and great people I've been lucky enough to acquire friendships with.

This past couple weeks or so, I've been feeling quite low about myself, in each aspect. Add to that a whole butt load of laziness. Too guilty to keep bitching and moaning, because, well "But Sarah you're so pretty, how can you think that?" When I say fat and ugly, it pertains not only to my exterior, but my interior as well. My surroundings are even fat and ugly. I need to take physical action on my problems, and I can't begin to do so without comprising of the real context of them through expressing myself here.

I want to come back. Saying this brings tears to my eyes.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

April Already!

I figured I would update, since I can't sleep, and because its been ages since I've written a post and I want to let everyone know I am okay=)

Life has been really good, as it should be. I've become extremely close with my bf, spending time with family, focusing on work, and doing my best to treat myself well and continue therapy. The biggest change and thing that has helped my anxiety, is voicing my opinion. When I get that little "urge" to say something, whether its personal or not, I do not ignore it. My sensitivity to my triggers are heightened in the sense that I can confront them ahead of time. 

I miss all of you, reading your blogs, and writing. I hope everyone is well, and that anyone who celebrates Easter or doesn't, I wish you a wonderful day=)