Saturday, May 30, 2009

Untitled

Next Tuesday will be my 'last' session with L. I of course can call and make appointments if I deem necessary. I went in with no plan on how to bring it up, but I knew I had to be direct and let her know it's really what I want. My initiative for the last time is to bring in a gratitude list, a way of reflecting on what I have accomplished, which will be a challenge since anything I accomplish seems to mentally diminish and vanish quickly, and then it's always onto the next "I need to fix/do this" to be good enough mind set.

I'm pretty blank for writing right now, my mind has a song that won't stop, I'm thinking of how thirsty I am, and how I'm going to fall asleep (fell asleep at 6pm and now its 10pm...). I've had an affliction with sleeping all the time, like a love for it. I'd rather be out, go to the gym, do things, but nah, I'll sleep.

The extra weight I gained from the rough past month is coming off slowly, which means I need to be patient. I've addressed many thoughts and struggles with my bf, which, omg, talking helped! It's like pulling teeth sometimes, "No nothing will help, don't wanna talk about it." Once I just start talking, most of the time my thoughts so mixed up I make no sense, I feel those ED urges go away. He's always so great, and since talking about our needs (mine needing space, him needed more affection from me), we've come to compromises and understandings for our personal needs.

More jabbering tomorrow I suppose!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Frustrated

I'm feeling emotionally drained right now. Oddly enough because I'm usually not very emotional at all, as I particularly keep it within.

Something I feel is trying to be forced, and I can't pinpoint it. I am who I am, and when my feelings or actions are challenged by another, I don't like it. Part of me wants to just give in and fake my emotions, and the other part just wants to be insensitive to others and be alone. Both are a lose-lose situation. All I know is, I don't know how I feel at the moment, and it needs to be accepted.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Its Going to Rain for 3 Days :(


I am so not feelin too good today. This may gross you out, cause it grosses me out too...When I burp, it tastes and smells of rotten eggs or sulfur. I'm lightheaded, have a stomachache (chest kind of hurts too) and I'm afraid to drink even water, because in general I'm a constant belcher, anything I eat/drink makes me burp.

M went out and picked up some Tums for me, I took two, they taste of chalk of course. I get to look forward to cleaning, doing dishes and misc chores when I get home from work...sooo looking forward to that.

As you can see, I did my nails earlier before I came into work. It's been almost 2 years since I've painted my them, while I was in Massage Therapy School we could not paint or grow out our nails. Since then I've been so used to them being short, and unpainted I didn't have any interest in growing them out, and felt uncomfortable with them being long. I've enjoyed them being long recentley, and decided to go and paint them with a bright peach color. Maybe it will make the rain stop?

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

New Decision & Some Photos

I've processed within myself, as well as others about my decision to stop therapy. I thought this was going to be a difficult decision, since I usually find choices hard to make. I'm doing this for me.

After being in therapy for over a year now, and have gone through countless sessions distraught, angry, frustrated, crying, problem solving, it's resulted in where I am today. I've made peace with my childhood and being emotionally neglected. I've forgiven my Mom, and that anger with her is gone. I've come to understand and change my eating behaviors, and my poor body image, and accept that I will struggle with it, more or less, possibly for life. I know I'm accountable in my choices, and that I have a voice and will use it.

I might go back eventually, I might not. I'm thinking along the lines of once a month, or on a on call basis to plan a session. I'm nervous and excited to think about all the things I will be able to do, since therapy was twice a week, an hour and 15 minutes away, and has limited me in my work schedule. And summer is almost here!


So far, we had a surprise birthday party for my sister in law:


Kids were all about the presents...

My wonderful nephew & I




And our 8th Annual Memorial Day Party:


Father & Son

Coolest thing to have in your backyard

Before the sun & hot weather decided to come out!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Recovery Treatment Secrets

The book I'm reading, Purge, is awesome. It brings back memories of when I was in treatment, and all the small things that I had forgotten, or put in the back of my mind. It also really shows just how much I tried to be perfect at recovery, how I suppressed some real issues with myself.

I was able to adjust the meal plan to incorporate no gluten/dairy, which was a relief. Lets just say I got sick of peanut butter real fast since I didn't have milk, yogurt or butter as a choice for fat. I ate everything always in a timely manner at meals and snacks. I didn't try to hide uneaten food, play with my food, or spark an attitude. (This doesn't mean I didn't want to, I almost spoke up when I noticed my cranberry juice had high fructose corn syrup in it, and wanted to switch to the OJ since it did not). I gave up caffeine and alcohol completely as advised. The third day there my head hurt so bad from the caffeine withdrawal I couldn't think straight. I didn't weigh myself at home. (Program ran from 7am to 7pm, and I had a 1 1/2 hour drive to get there, then drive 1 1/2 hours home) I didn't eat outside of program, and I wouldn't have wanted to since I secretly was hoping for my weight to go down. Before entering I started binging without purging, hoping the cravings would go away, and then I could 'start eating perfectly again.' Those cravings obvious wouldn't stop, because they were just stuffed feelings. With me not purging them I was a loose cannon ready to explode.

I thought of the best answers I could come up with to dumb metaphoric questions (what would be 'right' for recovery, please the counselors, not necessarily my own answers) I fantasized about being thinner again, paying close detail to girls there I thought had ideal bodies. I wanted to call bluffs on what the therapists said at times, how they paid way too much attention to media being the conveyor of an eating disorder. I felt urges to correct the dietitian (being obsessed with healthy food you know ingredients of almost everything, and knowing how your body feels eating certain foods), I wanted to roll my eyes at some of the stupid 'therapy' activities we had to do. I felt at times like a kid who couldn't be trusted or taken seriously. I didn't realize until now how much real emotion, especially anger and sadness I held back. I had my eye on the prize, focus on doing everything 'right' in recovery, leave and be all better. That doesn't happen.

Don't get me wrong, it changed my life. It helped, opened my eyes, but the real work on my eating disorder development was not addressed or dealt with, and I don't think it all has been yet. I simply now could not even tell you the flow of events, the switchover from being a healthy, vibrate, outgoing, driven 19 year old to one that was afraid of any failure, food, and becoming fat. I am good at holding emotions at bay, and to the unknown eye look content with life and myself. Letting emotions out feels like a lost cause to me almost. I was so emotional as a child, sensitive, talked back at my mom, and this didn't give me exactly what I wanted: love and attention.

Something is holding me back from moving forward mentally, I don't know quite what it is, and I have a hunch I won't want to ever let it go.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Need Therapy Ideas

It's so effing hot today. 91 last that I knew. And I'm at work till 7pm of course. Afterwards M and I are going to Borders to pick up the book I ordered, Purge. I read good reviews so far. Has anyone read it?

I had therapy today and lately its been very bland, our conversations seem lost in themselves. I've taken notice on when I'm feeling well and in a good space. I'm able to reach out for help when I'm upset, I'm eating well and active. But I feel misplaced being there. I've come to associate going to therapy with still being deep in my problems, time to vent, feel hopeless, and leave with some hope or new drive. Now when I go in I feel pressure to dig into my brain, try to think of something wrong, or something that might go wrong, or even worse turn something into a negative. I've conditioned myself this way, and L sees how hard it is for me to come into therapy naturally beaming and talking about dreams and aspirations, which I'm just not that type to boast about wonderful things so freely, especially when I know its 'therapy' and I feel the obligation to come in to 'fix' or figure out something. What if there's nothing to figure out? How about I just come when I hit rock bottom? I said this to her, laughing, but kinda serious at the same time.

I feel as though when asked, "How does that make you feel?" "What do you think about so and so doing/saying that?" "What made you decide that?" It comes across so vague too me, and whilst in my "therapy mode" I try and probe it, pick it apart and see whats 'wrong' with the situation. As like in Jeopardy, she gives the answer but I don't even friggin know the question. My part in this is to let go of the image that still being in therapy means I'm never going to get better, and I've ask of L to be more assertive, have mental/behavioral exercises, and to let me know what she believes I'm still struggling with and jump on it.

Any good advice, or know of a good sites with therapy exercises that have helped in recovery for you? L is looking in on this as well, and I am too. I know talking is not enough for me now, and my problems and issues are not as obvious and so easy to pinpoint, that they need to come out in other ways (like my blogging!) I float around enough with thoughts in my head all day, and I find no use of it for me doing that in therapy.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

This Might Sound Like Rambling

Had a really great day. I went to the gym for a bit, and I already can feel that excitement I get from working out. A sense of power, physical strength. Like I'm some kind of super hero and everything is great. In reality exercising so helps my all around health, not just physical. Its amazing how much your thoughts and moods can completely change your life. It's not that anything "changed." It became more you chose to see and believe things differently. But perception for me has not been nice %90 of the time.

M and I have been together almost 5 months. He is amazing and I feel blessed for him being part of my life and family. He lets me feel okay about just letting go, experiencing, and being accepting of myself. This Evening we went to H's and her daughter's house and grilled up some venison steak, mixed veggies and had corn on the cob. Tried the new Twisted Tea-Citrus Green and it was much lighter tasting and much better in my opinion. I don't like dark drinks/liquor. Wine is my preference. We came back and played some basketball (I won of course), then went on a nice walk.

As we were walking back to the house, we held hands. The sun is setting, cool but comfortable air. I cleared my head, no thoughts at all. I said "Sometimes its just nice to clear your head and not think about anything. It's pretty nice." I felt so in the moment, and it began to feel like I was 5 years old again, holding the hand of my first crush. That feeling of giddiness you never want to go away. Safe.

I'm being majorly distracted by Law and Order, so I might as well watch it!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Focused

I accomplished so much today, it feels great. I'm fighting off those voices, the ones that say, "Well you're still fat so it wasn't good enough." I need to push forward and move on...

To review:
Went to the gym for 2 hours :)
Cleaned, vacuumed, mopped, dusted whole house
Emptied trash
Did a ton of dishes
2 loads of my laundry
Cleaned litter box
Did my nails
Cleaned out my paperwork/mail

I ate well today too. Breakfast consisted of slow cooked oatmeal w/chopped bananas & cinnamon, 2 scrambled eggs, 2 rice cakes with almond butter. Lunch I made stir fry shrimp with peppers and onions, and dinner I cooked venison, steamed broccoli and beans. I've also had 3 oranges today, and 1 apple after dinner.

Tomorrow all I need to get done is transferring all my direct bill pay accounts to my new checking account number. As well as make an appointment for my car to get a front end alignment.

Keeping busy and focused is helping a lot right now.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Swaying Indecisions

As with a lot of things, I'm indecisive,...do laundry today, or tomorrow? Whites first? Hot or cold? Change the cat litter while I'm downstairs or do that last? The simplest tasks can become essay questions to me that put pressure on me like its the final exam and I didn't study.

Tonight, I took Layla out of her cage (I have two pet rats, btw). I thought it would be nice to give her a snack. I thought, well why not cheese itz? I'm sure rats love those.

Wait, no, those aren't good for you. Refined wheat and additives. I wouldn't eat them.

Wait, what? She's a RAT, she doesn't give a damn, it's food. Why should I decide if she can or cannot eat a friggin cheese it?

My ED transferred onto my pet. I've noticed this before, with my cat, checking the ingredients of her cat food. Checking ingredients of what my family eats. Feeling wrong when giving my nephew chips or a treat he asks for. Feeling disgusted as my boyfriend has a hamburger and fries from McDonald's.

Feeling crazy I have this much thought into not just what I eat, but what others put in their mouths too. Aside from this, my swaying thoughts are more about myself and my acts for recovery. I'm reading this great book that addresses food addiction; 1/3 of my ED. It involves the 12 steps as in AA, and makes complete sense. Abstaining from certain foods, which I already do, but the nail in the head was the "substituting" of trigger foods, like with soy ice cream, gluten free cookies, tortilla chips, etc. Just passing my 'healthy enough test.' Convincing myself these are acceptable, even healthy, is a load of crap. If it's good for me, why not eat a lot, just like eating a bunch of broccoli? I'll convince myself its no big deal. Not because they aren't a good alternative, its because they trigger my food addiction, and my brain knows it. Lots of processed foods contain chemicals, aka "drugs" to food addicts, which trigger a binge, or over eating. Even 'healthy' alternatives, gluten/dairy free products, can trigger a binge. This would be bad for me since I have been tempted to purge even acceptable amounts of these foods. The other part of me is so pissed I've gained weight recently, it wants me to starve. Either way I cannot continue to eat these triggering foods. Especially since I am noticing my eating is from emotions or boredom.

Abstinence is huge for me, and so is finding balance so I do not cut out every food group and become fearful of eating altogether again. I think it is so critical I work on this part of my ED as well, because only focusing on the "not starving myself" part leaves me jumping to the other side-gluttony.

One decision is clear, I'm sick of swaying. I want balance and my body is screaming for it.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Turd-day

Gosh, what an interesting Thursday I had yesterday. Ever had a bad day, not just something happening and it being shitty, but shitty things happening all day long? Let's review...

9:30am; wake up late, alarm did not go off. Rush to get ready for therapy, leave at 10:10am, need to be there at 11:00am, takes 1 hour and 15 minutes to get there. Traffic is slow.

11:20; driving around the Old Port (busy city in Maine), and finding no parking spots, or garages that are open. Concert is going on at the Civic Center. Ugh. Call L and let her know situation, schedule again for Tuesday. BTW, I'm driving on empty, gas light has been on a half hour at least.

12:00pm; find a gas station finally, after taking a short cut which wasn't the one I was trying to get at. Gas station shut down, go to next one mile down the road. Pull in, take a left to go around pumps to get to opposite side. I hit (scraped, I found out, phew) a car when taking the turn to get to the other side. She takes my information, I leave.

3:00pm; at work. Check my bank account online to make sure it matches my checking book. WTF? Overdraft fees, so I'm $-105.

7:30pm; driving home from work. Flat front passenger tire out of nowhere. Cop sees me and turns around, and was nice enough to change the tire.

I went home, vented to my Dad, and had a glass of wine and a hot bath. To wrap it up, I have major money worries. I'm in complete debt above my head. I'll be okay though, I know wasting energy on a bad day isn't worth it.

Hope this post cheered you up if you're feeling blue! If not I hope you got a laugh out of it, cause I can at least laugh at myself. I never thought I'd be able to do that.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Changes

Been a rough couple of weeks. I've addressed in therapy how much anger I'm carrying deep inside me, and how badly I want it out but feels like I can't find a way to express it.

I'm sick of the "I can't" I put in my general view of life. Even worse are the "I should", which trigger the ED monster within me. It's bad enough when things become black and white, but when you want to rebel after choosing, you've lost complete hope in your own sanity. It's time to fucking do what I want. Do I want need to do to regain my mental and physical health, loose the added weight put on by stress. Pamper myself. Say no to others when I want. Blog everyday again, make more new connections.

I know the steps I need to take and so here it goes.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Writer's Block

I'm really considering changing my blog web address. I feel a complete writers block knowing a few people in my life that have access to read this blog.

To anyone that has changed their blog, would I only need to change the web address? I really do not want to change the name if at all possible.