Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Too Tired for a Title

I feel physically too tired to write, but my mind is craving to. I had a long day, starting with a nice walk outside with my little sidekick S, whom I babysat this morning until we met her Mom H at work in town to drive to her eye appointment. She's got school vacation, and her summer rec was closed, so I watched her and spent the day with them. I saw so many freakin sweet frames that I'm dreaming to get someday. I currently have thin all black frame GUESS eyeglasses, and they had a beautiful GUESS light brown (no rims on side & bottom lens) framed pair, that I was drooling over. I had a moment of "I want, I want, I want!" Soon... :)

We went over to the Mall afterwords and browsed around, S got a build-a-bear (dog). I want one! I'd skip all that dressing it up and stuff...I'd just like a stuffed animal.

I composed a list of 'Important Self Care' (that's written out on paper too) so I can actively keep my arse in check with doing what keeps me in Happy Healthy Sarah Land. There is a place.

  • Reading Daily (books, blogs)
  • Writing on my blog
  • Staying in touch with my emotions, not suppressing them
  • Expressing opinions/emotions/thoughts to trusted people i.e. M
  • ME FIRST
  • Keeping my space clean/organized
  • Finishing tasks/activities I start
  • Budgeting my money
  • Getting outside
  • Visiting family & friends
  • Decreasing TV
  • Remember "I deserve to take care of myself"
  • Stay in the present
  • Doing things I enjoy, new hobbies
  • Healthy exercising
  • Reach out more & ask/tell what I need
  • Connect and express

Ignore our friend K there, he was doing that in everyone's photos, and we were too tipsy to notice until the next day...=P
Favorite wine EVER. Made right in a town next to mine.
J and I, on our day out!
S, not 3 anymore, on her two wheeler.
Scenery
Us
Nephew & I, his mouth is full of food!

So I'd say summer is, besides the rain, going great. When the sun decides to come out, I will scream hallelujah and escape for a day to the ocean...in one of the three new bikinis...

Monday, June 29, 2009

Recover Me

"What does the week you were born say about you?" with the result The Cusp of Prophecy – Sagittarius/Capricorn Cusp December 19-25.

You are an unusual individual, you may want to have fun, but are too serious to do so. You have highly developed faculties of intuition and sensation. You have mastered the art of silence and do not need speech to get your point across. You leave little doubt to how you are feeling. You do not expect to be liked by other people although you often are. You are independent and do not need the approval of others and that gives you a power and freedom that others lack. You only let a select few into your circle. You have a deep, passionate nature and highly sexual orientation that bind others to you magnetically. You have a great need to be alone. Strengths: Psychic – Inscrutable – Intense. Weaknesses: Frustrated – Antisocial – Oppressive .

Whether or not I got this off doing a Facebook application (cough) it is extremely accurate, although it is a only a spectrum of information.

This morning I got up extra early so I could drive 30 mins further away from work to get myself a Starbucks. I felt I deserved it, as lately I haven't been doing nice things for myself. I repainted my nails last night. Lit candles. The little things.

I knew in recovery that I am the one to hold myself accountable, and didn't think I could rely on others to hold me accountable as well. That's only true if you don't ask them to. Now my bf M is more than willing to hold me accountable, and I've already come up with what I need him to say/do on a daily basis to keep me on the recovery train (only phrase I could think of, queer I know)

A little while back I received an email from Shannon Cutts, author of Beating ANA, and was sent a copy of her book for reviewing, and will be working with her and many others (bloggers) on sharing information about outreach programs and more recovery tools, as well as her Mentor Connect Program. I've already started her book, and I'm coming across tons of tools, that I'm yet to start (writing/cognitive exercises- I have a habit of just reading through the whole book first, then going back to do the exercises). I'm not so good at pausing while reading :). Her book is much more different than many I have read, where its more than just a personal memoir, or a book written by a psychotherapist about prevention, or a workbook with no metaphoric basis. It exposes the ED in the flesh, the raw emotions as they surface, and gives reflective steps to connect how the ED manifested and spreads in more than one area of your life, and why its continuous cycle needs more attention than you might anticipate. AKA hard work! It's a beautiful book and I highly recommend it. When I have completed the book and it's exercises I will make arrangements to have an interview with Shannon.

Hope it is not raining where you are! Its been 3 straight weeks here of rain all day EVERYDAY.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

I Need an ED Patrol

I'm feeling much better today. It might have to do with the fact I woke upon 1:30 PM. That surprised me. M came over last night after we had a long talk. He knew I was not okay, after I directed him to 'read me blog' after I couldn't speak of what was up, and he called me right after. I sobbed through our phone conversation, feeling so guilty for the torn feelings on what was happening. I couldn't get out enough saying how horrible it (ED) is, how it feeds on isolation and being kept a secret. I still do not think he understands how hard it is for me to reach out for help. My biggest fear is that after reaching out, I will still be consumed to carry out an ED behavior, and then it will show, once and for all, that hope is lost for me. There's no scale which can measure how pissed this makes me. So I instantly surrender. I can describe it only like a demon is inside me telling me to give up and that I deserve this pain I feel I try so hard to avoid. This is when I feel crazy, so reaching out means letting others see this, and I don't want them to.

M offered everything and anything to help me. I cried when he offered to take me out to buy me all my safe (foods I need to be eating, not binge foods) foods until Friday, to go to the gym with me, to call me a million times a day when needed. I don't want to disappoint him, so I feel I have been protecting him by not telling him how much I've been repeatedly harming myself with going back to exactly what brought me to the hospital.

I won't go back, I won't load back up on medications. I won't go see doctors and repeat all this again. Why? Because I KNOW what I need to do. I have it all. M said this to me, he said I know exactly what I need to do, and how to do it. How I have come this far, have so much to be alive for. This shined the light on my own self pity, my hunger to be isolated, to be ignored. I won't do that anymore.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Sick of it All

I've been M.I.A. for some time, part of me knows I'm in denial that I'm not doing well. I convince myself, let me just slip today, and I'll give it my all starting tomorrow. I'll blog tomorrow, I'll dive into recovery, all the exercises that shine the light on what's keeping me in ED's grip. When I'm thin enough then I'll enjoy life and be happy. To know all this will not bring me forward at all, yet believing it will, well I guess I'm insane then.

So I feel a few confessions I need to come out. I've been abusing laxatives again. I sleep and isolate when feeling triggered to binge. I've put bruises on my body, beating the emotion of feeling like a fat stupid bitch in far enough that maybe I'll finally get it and stop eating so much. I'm not happy, and I have no energy to put into healthy activity. If I'm not sleeping all my mind and body can handle is to constantly think of food, what to eat, if to eat, and then if laxatives need to be used. I'M FUCKING SICK OF THIS. How did I let myself fall back so far? This insidious inconsistency in my mind body and spirit is too much to bare. Part of me feels my recovery is slipping uncontrollably away from me, and part believes this behavior is voluntary to punish the ugly person I always will be.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Role Models

I thought I'd write a post about role models, and also more specifically, models. As women we all have woman we idolize, for their personality, talent, intelligence, and their bodies. With eating disorders and body images issues, sometimes the ones we idolize are not a healthy image for us. Its hard since our society is drenched by the media with over the top skinny models. What might be harder is when we do find a healthy person to look up to, then before our eyes we see them disappear.

For me, I really embrace the Victoria Secret models. Their bodies are that of a real woman, and on the runway you can see the fierceness and pride in their eyes of themselves. They're mothers, activists, and real. They work hard to maintain their stature, as they are required to be all natural, a VS model requires a natural C cup. Now I know not every woman looks like this, or that they are the average, but they are beautiful women that I envy in more ways than just their bodies. My most favorite is Adraina Lima, she is gorgeous!
This morning I hopped on the net and ordered what you see below. Each item isn't necessarily that color, but you get the idea. Being 22, I feel I still dress, somewhat, like a teenager still. I'm mistaken for being 16 constantly, which I suppose isn't horrible but when you're getting the stink eye while drinking a martini its a bit old. Victoria Secret offers classy, sophisticated and simple clothes, and at a comparably good price. I'm soo excited for these to come in!





Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Medications

I've progressed quite well in coming off my medications. As of now I'm only on Wellbutrin and Buspar [helps with anxiety, but mainly increases libido :)] for anxiety, and occasionally xanx when I need it. My daily concoction includes:

Wellbutrin; 150mg
Buspar; 10mg 2x daily
Energy Plus; dietary supplement
Vitamin D; 800 IU daily (New Chapter Bone Strength Take Care-Highly recommend!)
Metamucil Fiber;(Heart & Digestive Health)
Ortho-cept; birth control (regulate menses, helps PCOS as well)
Cayenne fruit; supplement 3 daily (metabolism support)

So long to Prozac and Pristiq. I actually ran out of Pristiq, and since my psychiatrist was giving me samples only (my insurance does not cover it, and there is no generic) I just stopped taking it. I will say I feel much better with what I'm on now, less "meds" and more vitamins and supplements. From the very beginning of recovery I was very much against going on medications. During my stint of ultimate natural living, I refused to even take Tylenol when I had a headache (I was this way for over a year). I was fearful I would get on medications and never be able to come off them, but that fear was worth concurring to feel better, to relieve myself of the traumatic stress I put my body and mind through.

I'm so pooped and not much in the mind set to write, and I'm feeling its probably due to the rainy weather. Hopefully mine and J's girls day out Friday will be sunny and warm!

Monday, June 8, 2009

Pampering

I just finished 24oz of coffee...I'm wired. I ordered a couple things online today at Victoria Secret and I'm super excited. I haven't had a new bathing suit in a couple years...
The top one with the twisted back I got in white, and the one right above is the color I got. I've had a pretty good week, ED wise which is great. I went to a new nail place and got a full set done. This is only the second time in my life I've had my nails professionally done, and I love them. Its nice to pamper yourself once in a while, isn't it??
I had a real deep conversation with M the other night, and talked about the upcoming future plans. I'm so happy and blessed by God to have someone so understanding, caring, and on the same page about life and their dreams as me. We're working together today till 7pm, and the stores not been real busy. I'm eager to go outside, to tan, and just be in the sun altogether. We both have Tuesdays off so the beach is our go spot. Tomorrow we are going to bust out and clean/vacuum our cars. Mine needs it so. And a wash. Well, I'm going to grab a xanx to calm down, my leg is uncontrollably shaking and driving me nuts.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Good Times

I had an ah-maa-zering day yesterday (I claim the rights to that word right there). Today was good too, but I was(am) soo tired. Anyway, at work Wednesday I got 5 phone contract activations! 3 renewals, and 2 new. I only had a 4 hour shift, so I averaged roughly over $32 with commissions included (not including accessories sales, which I sold 2). Being in customer services and sales can be hard, but I honestly love doing it. Today I got another 3, two new and one renewal.

My best friend J and her fiance came in Wednesday, and got plans! I was stoked, since I knew they were getting great plans and prices for everything. They were getting robbed with their prepaid phones. She got the phone I would have gotten if not my blackberry, an LG Rhythm. They're kick ass phones.

I had to drive to work today, in one of my Dad's cars. An 84 Crown Victoria. I'm so poor at the moment and had no gas, so he let me use it. My car was fixed Wednesday morning, and oil was added. I was deathly close to blowing my engine, since I'm about at 200,000 miles my car burns oil easily. Plus I was over my 3,000 miles. My car drove so much better after the ball joints were replaced, it doesn't pull all over the place.

I had a little get together with a few friends. Longtime friends, C, her boyfriend, A, his girlfriend, M, and B. I had a couple glasses of wine and two shots and I was good. It was definitely a time trip, and I'm amazed at where I once was (rebelling, doing crazy things as a teen with these kids) and now how I feel so much like an adult, and it makes me proud :) Corniest statement of the night! Becoming an adult is a slow process in itself, and I find the more I proclaim my mind, choices, and style of life, the stronger I feel as a person.

Monday, June 1, 2009

The Small Things


I've always had a great liking for movies mostly aimed toward younger audiences. This past Friday M and I took his niece to see Disney's Up, and I wasn't expecting much from it, but I got more from watching this movie than I could have imagined. A few scenes I couldn't help but tear a bit, and I'm usually a tough one to crack. There was a unmistakable message from the movie, particularly to adults, that I wasn't sure the young ones would have picked up on right away, or understand the depth. But I suppose greater understanding only comes with age ::wink:: I won't give away any details, so get out there and see it :).

I'm more than super excited to see my second favorite man in the world (second to M) hosting the Tonight Show later! I used to wait up all night to see him on Late Night and I'm more than psyched that he is the new host for the show, he deserves it.

I don't know if its me not taking my meds very regularly, and a couple not at all (prozac seems to have fallen off my regimen) and this morning I forgot to take my wellbutrin. I ran out of pristiq like a week ago, so its really only been one med for a while now. I feel good, and am hoping by winter to be off all meds for good (cept birth control, and vit D of course)

Car is getting fixed tomorrow, 2 lower ball joints, and an alignment, maybe an oil change. I want to vacuum it out, armor all the inside, and get some things done in town. M's going to stop by later and we'll probably take a nice long walk if its nice outside.