Monday, August 24, 2009

Feeling Amess

I need to jump aboard the honesty train, not that I haven't been honest, technically I'm just keeping mum about yucky feelings that nag me during the day. Those one's that bring me down, make me feel weak and useless-so I ignore it to feel strong. Which is only a temporary fix that does more harm them good.

I've gained a substantial amount of weight in comparison to my lowest weight. I'm still in a healthy weight range for my body type and height, but don't like it. All my clothes don't fit right. I subconsciously blame it on the "relationship comfort" but that's not at all fair to Matthew (I'll be using full names now, I'm a-o-k with it). I can continue in a sense, blaming him for why I'm up X amount of pounds, but that doesn't help or fix my issues with my weight. I've gone into this irrational fear I will never loose this weight, and that I'll gain more, and tragically I'll end up back where I was 3 years ago-nearly obese. So I worry, with my mental scare tactics, and panic thinking the solution is to just break up with Matthew and that will make it better. He knows all about this, and made a good point I couldn't see. He isn't my eating disorder. I cannot take it out on him. I will not take it out on him. He notices I use punishment type methods to loose weight, which is what I'm used to. That makes me a pretty miserable type of person if you are around me. No fun and games, no smiling, all seriousness. Matthew sees this as crazy and its frustrating at times cause I want to be hard on myself, and of course he doesn't want me to feel that way. He like anyone else doesn't want to be around a mopey person.

I've got to work hard. Work hard on keeping healthy, working out, being happy, positive, reach out. I need to know this will be the key to loosing my pounds I gained. These are the reasons I lost weight in the first place (before ED reared it's ugly head). Because honestly looking back I put on the pounds because deep down I didn't feel I deserved everything I had, and I used eating to ease boredom, doubt, and confusion. This time ED is going to be in the back corner trying to get me anytime it can, but God, I have put so much time and effort into working with my ED, that I need to trust I can do it again without falling into that end again (Anorexia).

Thank you Erika, for nominating me as one of the blogs you see as brilliant. You know for sure you are in my top of all time. I'm sorry I've been a lazy ass and have not sent you that book, and I'm going to put it in my calender so it will get done!

Monday, August 10, 2009


Hello! First off, my boyfriend M is doing well. He had surgery on his lung so another collapse is going to be nil. We're moving forward, and by October 1st we will be in our first apartment =)

I'm sorry for never updating (that is to those who even read my blog), and I hope no one got too worried. I don't know why I'm slacking with writing, it could be my busy schedule or that I feel I have nothing to talk about. And if I do it seems my energy is directed toward walking to my bed for some zzz's. Anywho, things are OK, not great, in terms of body-image wise. I'm heavier than I want to be, and I know these pounds are from being 'relationship comfortable.' Anyone been in that boat?

As for M, he wants to get in better shape too. More in terms of strength and cardiovascular, as his weight is low, and he could afford to gain at least 20lbs. We've been doing walks together, and I've taken him on my traditional 4 miler I like to do. We're doing our best to keep each other motivated.

Feel free to keep in touch with me via facebook, if you have one. I'm on there a lot!