Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Busy Month

This month will for sure be a busy one, and I hope and pray to God I can handle it without resorting to mindless eating. If it's not one thing it's another when it comes to my ED. I've experienced/had every ED there is, and currently I'm working on staying out of the over eating spectrum.

I'm obviously not staying in touch with my feelings and emotions when the thought to munch on something yummy pops up when I'm not even hungry. It's painful because it reminds me so much of my childhood, when my mom was not emotionally there for me, and I turned to food to numb whatever was on my mind. And now having gained some weight since Matthew and I have been together makes it that much more uncomfortable and painful. I'm not liking my body and am especially not comfortable having someone show affection and desire towards it. I need to have patience, and focus on activities rather than food, what and when I'm eating. I know when I make my main focus food, my anxiety shoots up, my mind freezes, and I think the only way to ease the stress is to eat.

I need to blog more, and read blogs more. It so helps and I know it. I need to make this important time for me. I am not in therapy anymore. Laying in bed all day on my days off waiting for my anxiety and what I'd blatantly call my pissy-screw-life-I'm-fat mood to just disappear, isn't realistic or productive.

So as of October 1st, me and my love will be in our own place. I'm excited, nervous, anxious, happy, grateful. I need to take things slow and steady, and keep reminding myself it takes time to find and look for places, packing, unpacking, settling in. It will be OK.