Monday, January 18, 2010

Kinda Excited! ;)

I just finished my taxes via Tax Slayer. Matt has done it this way for years now, and instead of asking my friend Heather who works for a payroll company (she does it for free), and waiting weeks to get the money, Tax Slayer is super quick, and my money will be deposited within 15 days. Only drawback is there is a $14.90 charge for processing, etc no matter if you choose direct deposit or have a check mailed out. Nothing is ever free folks. I totally plugged Tax Slayer...whoops.

So, being employed part time, I will be receiving $654 back (federal & state), and in 5 minutes already planned what I'm doing with it. So I must share cause I'm like that, and I'm excited.

$200 will be going to my credit card. That's going to be nice.

$185(est) I will be buying an iPod Touch! Yessa. Did you know the iTouch and the iPhone are exactly the same and the only difference is you cannot make calls, and it does not have a camera. I work for US Cellular and could never switch to AT&T because A) they suck B) they suck C) bad customer service, NO cell service in most all of Maine, and overpriced plans. My master mind plan is to purchase the iTouch, that has wi-fi, so the net and facebook, etc is available to me plus my music, and apps galore. This means I will cancel my Blackberry Service, which runs me $24.95/month, and cancel the $5.95 insurance. I am going to save $31 a month on my cell bill! I'll be buying a Motorola VE20 (basic phone) and simply use it as a phone. (BTW, my plan's a National 1000, free incoming calls from anyone, nights and weekends @7pm, and free mobile to mobile (US Cellular customers--->US Cellular customers.), for $49.99/month!

The remaining $269, either I will need to put $100 or so down for my laptop to be repaired which I'm expecting. Anything left over from that is going to our (Matt and I) first kitchen table.

Finally no more sitting at our coffee table for dinner...

Saturday, January 16, 2010

I Go Up, I Go Down

Talk about a rollercoaster week. Yesterday was by far a frustrating, pull your hair out and stomp your feet on the ground day. It was in particular two events I let really get to me and put me in a damper.

My registration is past due, since November. My license is expired this past December 20th. So I'm officially a driving target for the po-po's. If I were pulled over I would certainly be arressted. One of those might fly by with a warning, but both would be a double wammy for me.

So since both have been in need of doing, I've been driving everyday, cautiously. Except as of a few days ago, I'm getting too paranoid, so I carpool with Matt to work as much as I can, and if I have to I'll drive his car. His car is legal, and driving mine around with an orange sticker would stick out compared to the new 2010 white stickers. It is just luck that I haven't been pulled over. But if I had, then have no license, I'd be in deep.

I was on my marrily way to withdrawl $ from the bank, and during my journey there and back, Gray to Windham, then back to Gray town office, I spotted 4 COPS. 2 of them were sitting waiting to prance on whatever car, and you never if it's gonna be you they pull out for. But alas, I made it to the Town Office. "Friday 8:30 to NOON." Goddammit. It's 2:30pm. So I go back to Windham, where I drive past 2 cops that total 6(!) seen, and take Matt's car, and leave mine there. I head to Portland to renew my license, and low and behold, CLOSED. Just for THAT day. For a MEETING. For real?

I could should have called/googled these places in advance, but being the stubborn person I am, was very expectant that my luck would not be like this. I got teary eyed, but realized, hey, I can go Tuesday when they are both open, and I haven't been arressted...But at the time it was just. not. fair.

Another thing that's just not fair is my laptop decided to shit the bed this morning. I don't know what's wrong with it yet, but there is a place in Portland that will tell you what's wrong with it for $20 and if you decide to fix it there that $20 will go towards the repairs. Sorry Geek Squad you are overpriced. I'm not like so sad about it only just the fact that anything I've added to my Docs, Pics, etc is not backed up on a CD. I did however do it about a month ago when I upgraded to Windows 7, so I'd only be missing a few things if all my files are gonna be toast. Also, I have Matt's comp to use, and at work I'm sitting at a desk with a computer in my face all day. Joy.

Sigh. Feels good to get these clustered thoughts out.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Better Day I'd Say

MmmMmmm....That's a homemade mojito margarita right there! (Mom would be proud... no wait, she's a recovered alcoholic) . Today was a better day by far. I got my paycheck which included my commission so I was relieved I could calculate the list of my monthly bills, etc with it. I also very much need to and will register my car. It was due in November. If that's bad, also my license is expired as of 12/20/09. I can't change my birthday, but will plan in advance not to buy/register a car near the holidays.

If anyone has noticed, depending on how you read my entries (right on my blog, or through reader) my layout has been completely spastic. I wasn't feeling any of it. It's finally how I'd like it to be. Not too busy, or too plain in my eyes. Shitty thing is that when I changed my template, alllll my links to blogs and such went out the window. I was upset, but not lost because I follow all those blogs I had linked, plus more that weren't. Phew. So I started over, and that's okay. If you read my blog and aren't on there, yell at me =)

Tomorrow is my day off and I'm trying not to overwhelm myself with ideas on what I want/need to do. I already know, and need to stop thinking into each one so much, because they are only just small events during my day. Plus it makes me mucho anxious. *Be in the in the present*

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


I woke up yesterday in the utmost horrible mood imaginable. It came out of no where and I was not the least bit pleased. If I could use one word: Anger. or Rage. I felt FAT. Like, uterally, obnoxiously fat. So what do I do? Weigh myself. Confirm what is. In the past few days, I've gained 1lb daily. I know obviously weight fluxuates, but with an eating disorder it's never okay. Adding it's that time of the month, it's expected.
After my blow up with myself, which I'll explain, I'm back down 4lbs, post bloat today. I wish I could have controlled what I did that day, but then again I still feel I deserve what I did, and even now still feel this anger with myself.

I didn't think about it. I just did it. I grabbed my face, and squeezed. Dug my nails in my face. This accompanied name calling. I hopped in the shower, and at the end, was grabbing my fat at the hips, digging and squeezing, and more name calling. Shame on you, you're fat, look at what you did. I punched, and later had bruising on my thighs. I came out of the shower and sighed, and quickly came all the sobbing. The anger was still building up and I was trying to contain myself from screaming and beating the living shit out of myself.

I've done this in the past, but not to this degree. Grabbed at my fat, in disgust, maybe a slight squeeze, but not to directly inflict pain. I felt more of a sadness when I did that. This left a nice wide cut on my upper cheek, scratches, and bruises.

I obviously should not be using a scale. But, like, I have to. I think this. I need this added weight off me. 136lbs is NOT okay. I want my 120lb body back, at least. The one I at least felt 95% good in. I suppose all this anger has built up since the days when it piled up. And my anger with myself is accumulating everyday it's still on and not decreasing. I'm eating well, no binging or overeating at that. But I'm always mad at myself. I feel stupid.

Friday, January 8, 2010

This and That

Okie dokie folks, I'm posting sort of on a regular basis, which is super awesome. January 6th marked Matt and I's year anniversary. I love him so much, and in one year so much has happened, that I've moved further in my recovery having him with me. At times I didn't see this and even thought I've breaking away from him (which I believe was my Ed speaking) I feel at a good balance with things, which is not a bad way to start 2010 right??

One of my gifts this Christmas was from a gift certificate from Matt, to the Nail place I go to religiously every 2 weeks. Annnd since, well, its my gift, I'll be a little daring and go for color! And a nice design on each ring finger. For months now, I've been only doing french. I was too scared of any kind of color clashing with anything. And to my surprise, they came out frickin sweet!

The design is hard to see, and I can't get any camera I have to pick up the fine detail, so that's as good as it gets. Today, as part of my birthday present from last month, I got my hair done. A full weave highlight (two tones of blonde). Its weaved very tight so it doesn't look streaky, like most highlights. Its overall two toned, and looks natural. I'm happy to get the red out of my hair! I was also happy to have my aunt Cici, who's been doing hair for over 20 years, and owns her own salon, do it for me. (Don't mind the pony tail hump in the first pic)

Gail, my Dad's fiance [they are getting married this spring =)] came over to my apartment and helped me make vegetable soup from scrap! I was really nervous about this, thinking it would be bland and I'd screw it up somehow, but it turned out great. Plenty of spices (basil, sea salt, pepper, onion spice, parsley, marjoram, and season all) with the fixings (veggie stock, diced tomatoes, long grain brown rice, carrots, celery, onion, zucchini, peas)

I'm so ready to zonk out on the couch and do about nothing until bedtime =)

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Can You Guess Where I Live?

Only in Maine...

Friday, January 1, 2010

New Year, Right Now

It's been a long time since I last posted, and a lots happened. Nothing like, life altering, omg kind of events, but you know, the hustle of the holidays, stress, work, never getting enough sleep kind of stuff. I've had good days, or really, good times. I've had more bad days, 'fat' days. The best word to describe how I felt about myself is ashamed. That word is a heavy thing, no pun intended. Shame makes me feel heavy, physically, emotionally, mentally. Like a standstill. I get stuck in a mental zone. And I don't mean a constant mental chatter that's negative and won't stop-I mean feeling like a ghost is on your ass and won't stop following you. You know it's there and it wants something, but you don't know what it is, and kind of don't want to know either.

But (I don't wanna sound like a cliche) it is a new year. 2010. Strange to think about but it brings some light into my life. I've naturally been doing a lot of reflection, and then realized I can't keep comparing things to what was. And instead turn my life into what is. And what is it? It's what I choose to make it, in the moment. Not making up for tomorrow, or postponing things for the next day. Now, now, now. I've known forever (okay past 4 or so years) that living, being, thinking, feeling in the exact moment is the only thing that matters, because you are always in the present moment (yeah I know duh, but who really slows down enough to consider this on a daily basis?). So, obviously, when I'm avoiding old feelings, not having dealt with them then, it affects the presence I'm in. If I'm miserable all the time over whatever, I'm, in theory, always going to be miserable. When I'm upset, I think I'm only upset about the past, or anxious about the future. But I'm really upset then, anxious then. And it doesn't stop. So my resolution, if you want to call it (it's really a life goal) is to be, practice, living in my present moment. The more I practice, the more I will naturally do it. Just like I could get so into a miserable state with my eating disorder, where my thoughts were on auto pilot, and their main focus was on how fat I was, how I shouldn't enjoy anything unless I was skinny. Even when reaching 'skinny' it didn't end, because I was never going to be there with how my mental state was. That cycle we know all too well. Until someone, or something shakes us out of it. We look around, at the real presence we're in, and either wake up or continue in our thinking. And that's what gets me, what gets even psychologists, scientists, anyone, in why we'd continue that cycle of mentality. I may never know, but from experience, knowledge and an open mind I know I really cannot be happy that way. It can't just 'appear' with all those self destructive thoughts.

God bless you if this post made sense to you. Happy New Year!