But (I don't wanna sound like a cliche) it is a new year. 2010. Strange to think about but it brings some light into my life. I've naturally been doing a lot of reflection, and then realized I can't keep comparing things to what was. And instead turn my life into what is. And what is it? It's what I choose to make it, in the moment. Not making up for tomorrow, or postponing things for the next day. Now, now, now. I've known forever (okay past 4 or so years) that living, being, thinking, feeling in the exact moment is the only thing that matters, because you are always in the present moment (yeah I know duh, but who really slows down enough to consider this on a daily basis?). So, obviously, when I'm avoiding old feelings, not having dealt with them then, it affects the presence I'm in. If I'm miserable all the time over whatever, I'm, in theory, always going to be miserable. When I'm upset, I think I'm only upset about the past, or anxious about the future. But I'm really upset then, anxious then. And it doesn't stop. So my resolution, if you want to call it (it's really a life goal) is to be, practice, living in my present moment. The more I practice, the more I will naturally do it. Just like I could get so into a miserable state with my eating disorder, where my thoughts were on auto pilot, and their main focus was on how fat I was, how I shouldn't enjoy anything unless I was skinny. Even when reaching 'skinny' it didn't end, because I was never going to be there with how my mental state was. That cycle we know all too well. Until someone, or something shakes us out of it. We look around, at the real presence we're in, and either wake up or continue in our thinking. And that's what gets me, what gets even psychologists, scientists, anyone, in why we'd continue that cycle of mentality. I may never know, but from experience, knowledge and an open mind I know I really cannot be happy that way. It can't just 'appear' with all those self destructive thoughts.
God bless you if this post made sense to you. Happy New Year!