Friday, January 1, 2010

New Year, Right Now

It's been a long time since I last posted, and a lots happened. Nothing like, life altering, omg kind of events, but you know, the hustle of the holidays, stress, work, never getting enough sleep kind of stuff. I've had good days, or really, good times. I've had more bad days, 'fat' days. The best word to describe how I felt about myself is ashamed. That word is a heavy thing, no pun intended. Shame makes me feel heavy, physically, emotionally, mentally. Like a standstill. I get stuck in a mental zone. And I don't mean a constant mental chatter that's negative and won't stop-I mean feeling like a ghost is on your ass and won't stop following you. You know it's there and it wants something, but you don't know what it is, and kind of don't want to know either.

But (I don't wanna sound like a cliche) it is a new year. 2010. Strange to think about but it brings some light into my life. I've naturally been doing a lot of reflection, and then realized I can't keep comparing things to what was. And instead turn my life into what is. And what is it? It's what I choose to make it, in the moment. Not making up for tomorrow, or postponing things for the next day. Now, now, now. I've known forever (okay past 4 or so years) that living, being, thinking, feeling in the exact moment is the only thing that matters, because you are always in the present moment (yeah I know duh, but who really slows down enough to consider this on a daily basis?). So, obviously, when I'm avoiding old feelings, not having dealt with them then, it affects the presence I'm in. If I'm miserable all the time over whatever, I'm, in theory, always going to be miserable. When I'm upset, I think I'm only upset about the past, or anxious about the future. But I'm really upset then, anxious then. And it doesn't stop. So my resolution, if you want to call it (it's really a life goal) is to be, practice, living in my present moment. The more I practice, the more I will naturally do it. Just like I could get so into a miserable state with my eating disorder, where my thoughts were on auto pilot, and their main focus was on how fat I was, how I shouldn't enjoy anything unless I was skinny. Even when reaching 'skinny' it didn't end, because I was never going to be there with how my mental state was. That cycle we know all too well. Until someone, or something shakes us out of it. We look around, at the real presence we're in, and either wake up or continue in our thinking. And that's what gets me, what gets even psychologists, scientists, anyone, in why we'd continue that cycle of mentality. I may never know, but from experience, knowledge and an open mind I know I really cannot be happy that way. It can't just 'appear' with all those self destructive thoughts.

God bless you if this post made sense to you. Happy New Year!

2 comments:

  1. this post made total sense to me! i need to add living in the present to my list of new years resolutions also. Probably if i lived more in the present my other resolutions would take care of themselves!
    Nice to see you back in the blogworld!

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  2. yes, i can get into that "nothing can be good unless i'm skinny". i do have a weight where i feel i'm allowed to be happy. it's not that low-sounding, but it's low for me. too hard to maintain. at that rate, i get about three "happy" days a year. and then i worry about gaining back the extra few pounds, where i'm thinking "i could be happy if i lost 4 pounds."

    a lot of work. and waste of time.

    thanks for this post. it made me write down some things that are so true for me.

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