Wednesday, January 13, 2010

WTF?

I woke up yesterday in the utmost horrible mood imaginable. It came out of no where and I was not the least bit pleased. If I could use one word: Anger. or Rage. I felt FAT. Like, uterally, obnoxiously fat. So what do I do? Weigh myself. Confirm what is. In the past few days, I've gained 1lb daily. I know obviously weight fluxuates, but with an eating disorder it's never okay. Adding it's that time of the month, it's expected.
After my blow up with myself, which I'll explain, I'm back down 4lbs, post bloat today. I wish I could have controlled what I did that day, but then again I still feel I deserve what I did, and even now still feel this anger with myself.

I didn't think about it. I just did it. I grabbed my face, and squeezed. Dug my nails in my face. This accompanied name calling. I hopped in the shower, and at the end, was grabbing my fat at the hips, digging and squeezing, and more name calling. Shame on you, you're fat, look at what you did. I punched, and later had bruising on my thighs. I came out of the shower and sighed, and quickly came all the sobbing. The anger was still building up and I was trying to contain myself from screaming and beating the living shit out of myself.

I've done this in the past, but not to this degree. Grabbed at my fat, in disgust, maybe a slight squeeze, but not to directly inflict pain. I felt more of a sadness when I did that. This left a nice wide cut on my upper cheek, scratches, and bruises.

I obviously should not be using a scale. But, like, I have to. I think this. I need this added weight off me. 136lbs is NOT okay. I want my 120lb body back, at least. The one I at least felt 95% good in. I suppose all this anger has built up since the days when it piled up. And my anger with myself is accumulating everyday it's still on and not decreasing. I'm eating well, no binging or overeating at that. But I'm always mad at myself. I feel stupid.

5 comments:

  1. As your blog title says, this is all deception from your eating disorder. I have days like this -- grabbing, pinching days -- and I'm always appalled at how I succumb to the temptation to criticize my body and myself. With perspective, I can see, clearly, that this serves no practical purpose. Usually, these days happen when I'm stressed about something else. I'm either taking out a bad event on my body, or misplacing anxiety on my body. As you said, you're not binging or overeating. You feel healthy. If you did NOT know your weight, if there was no number to fixate on, would you feel happier? I'm sure it would cause anxiety at first, but I would bet that would pass as you grow to trust your body more. It's just doing its thing, being healthy. I hope you can go easier on yourself. It sucks how we can be made to feel like shit like this!

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  2. I can really relate to what you've just said, especially since I've had my period this last week, and lo and behold (after stupidly deciding to weigh myself) the number shoots up = anger, self hatred blah blah blah

    It's scary to put away the scales and give yourself a day without a number, but the more you do it the easier it gets.

    Feeling-fat days are going to happen, but not having a number for the ED to cling on to makes them easier to deal with.

    Something I've been telling myself that helps is that your body knows where it wants to be, and it does not want to be underweight or overweight. It wants to be healthy, and if you learn to appreciate its needs and work with it, it will stay in that healthy place.

    Sarah x

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  3. It's just a number but it's amazing how loaded that one little number can be. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Easier said then done of course but all you can do is try. Hope you feel better.

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  4. Kim, I think if there was no number to fixate on, I'd still(do) critize myself. I actually don't weigh myself often, maybe 3 times a month now (biiigg change from 5x+) It's only when I get these like urges, like needing to pee lol. And if I feel like the number will be unsettling and piss me off, I don't weigh myself. So my freak out was kind of an omg, how, wtf? I did think about if there was anything bothering me, but I think it was pure PMS...hah. That day did suck, but I pushed through w/o any other negative behaviors.

    Mari, your last paragraph is the only thing I can continuely say to convince myself I'm okay at where I'm at, even if I may not be happy at that moment. I am always afraid of just piling on the 50lbs I lost healthily a few years back. That would be my definition of failure. I had more pain at that high weight, (which I had been overweight since 8), then now with my ed.

    Frugalista, thanks so much. I am not sure how the transferance from how my body physically feels went to relying souly on the number on the scale happened, but I want my body to determine how I feel. I have a hard time though even when I don't have a number and just feel fat. It's very uncomfortable.

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  5. Sarah, this post made me sad because you do not deserve the pain you are inflicting on yourself. You deserve to treat yourself kindly and be patient with yourself, cuz you kick ass and take names! That is my wish for you...

    xo

    PS Love your header. The text rocks my socks!

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