I woke up yesterday in the utmost horrible mood imaginable. It came out of no where and I was not the least bit pleased. If I could use one word: Anger. or Rage. I felt FAT. Like, uterally, obnoxiously fat. So what do I do? Weigh myself. Confirm what is. In the past few days, I've gained 1lb daily. I know obviously weight fluxuates, but with an eating disorder it's never okay. Adding it's that time of the month, it's expected.
After my blow up with myself, which I'll explain, I'm back down 4lbs, post bloat today. I wish I could have controlled what I did that day, but then again I still feel I deserve what I did, and even now still feel this anger with myself.
I didn't think about it. I just did it. I grabbed my face, and squeezed. Dug my nails in my face. This accompanied name calling. I hopped in the shower, and at the end, was grabbing my fat at the hips, digging and squeezing, and more name calling. Shame on you, you're fat, look at what you did. I punched, and later had bruising on my thighs. I came out of the shower and sighed, and quickly came all the sobbing. The anger was still building up and I was trying to contain myself from screaming and beating the living shit out of myself.
I've done this in the past, but not to this degree. Grabbed at my fat, in disgust, maybe a slight squeeze, but not to directly inflict pain. I felt more of a sadness when I did that. This left a nice wide cut on my upper cheek, scratches, and bruises.
I obviously should not be using a scale. But, like, I have to. I think this. I need this added weight off me. 136lbs is NOT okay. I want my 120lb body back, at least. The one I at least felt 95% good in. I suppose all this anger has built up since the days when it piled up. And my anger with myself is accumulating everyday it's still on and not decreasing. I'm eating well, no binging or overeating at that. But I'm always mad at myself. I feel stupid.